Friday, February 22, 2008
A tourist asks me what my greatest fear is. I reply that I live in dread of being sued for damages. At least being eaten by a predator is over fairly quickly. These legal disputes can drag on for ever while rapacious lawyers feed on your liquid assets like leeches. Thankfully, no one would waste time pressing a suit against me in the
This ugly business of suing people first came to my notice in
Libel is less of a worry in
“Watch where yer goin’ yer big hairy baboon!” he snarled.
“Are you addressing me or your wife?” I asked in reply, seeking clarity on the facts before commenting on his outburst.
This perfectly straightforward question caused him to swing his fist wildly at me. Fortunately, I managed to intercept the blow with my head, which caused him to drop to his knees and bleat like an injured moose, clutching his hand in agony. It turned out that he’d broken several bones, but he could hardly blame me for that. Or so I thought. A month later, when we were giving a show in
The ringmaster wanted to take legal advice, but I argued strongly against it. I told him to leave the matter in my hands and let me bear the consequences. All I did was return the letter to sender after writing the following sentence at the bottom with a fountain pen:
The demands made in this communication are frivolous and without merit.
I never found out what the denouement was, because we left the country a week later. As a precaution, however, I arranged for all my
These wretched lawsuits seem to get sillier and sillier. The latest one that made me want to thump my chest was a claim for $6 million by an exhibitionist street performer who calls himself “The Naked Cowboy”. He alleges trademark infringement by a maker of confectionaries that used the nude cowpoke motif in an advertisement. This is preposterous. If a man can copyright stripping off his clothes and putting on a cowboy hat, the law is an ass with carrot up its backside. How I wish someone would find an old photo of Wyatt Earp in the buff to prove that this bare-bodied busker was not the originator of his cockamamie modus operandi. The living descendants of Mr Earp could then sue Billy the Nekkid for the very transgression he accuses others of. “Let every poisonous snake enjoy a dose of its own venom,” as we say in the jungle.
Really, this is one of your best!
Nekkid cowboy, indeed!
(and as someone with not a lot of junk in her trunk, I agree: suggesting that a lady has a big bum sounds kind of nice)
True, of course, but we lawyers need to eat, too.
Yet, I believe I am on the side of the angels inasmuch as I defend against the frivolous. My favorite to date: Defending a driver who struck a pedestrian. On a highway in the middle of a dark night, where the pedestrian was underage, drunk, and mooning passing motor vehicles.
I should maybe contact her to settle this.
Actually, what fun that would be!
Would you thump your chest if I were naked with only a cowboy hat on? ;-)
For what it's worth, some of us Americans don't have the litigation bug. I stepped into a hole in the pavement downtown and bashed my knee up the other day and I won't sue: it was my own damn fault.
he was later charged with assault
Joanne: It's one of the few quips I've heard from a clown that was worth repeating.
Randall: I hope you pointed out what an idiot the fellow was for mooning at night. Does he think his white butt shines in the dark?
Missy: That's a funny sort of photo to leave lying around. I hope your brother-in-law doesn't have unresolved anger issues...or perhaps it was an affectionate memento?
Janooni: I would hand you a robe...after first giving you a rubdown.
Emma: I wouldn't have given him a penny until he proved he wasn't boring. Make him perform in a cowboy hat and briefs for his cash.
Mary: I remember that the money-grubbing tyke tested negative for HIV, so for all we know they were practising safe sex.
Kiki: I hope the jury acquitted him.
Naughty Girl: You're so naughty! I feel like spanking you whenever you leave a comment.
Mzungu Chick: Heh, I was waiting for someone to complain about that! I would certainly contribute to your legal fund, Miss Chick. You never deserve less than the full monty.
Sidhu: They should have offered her a free apron and bib.
Kyknoord: Maybe it would. It's a good way of summarising pages of legal argument.
So he was outdone by an M&M. Big blow to a hunk of a man with an ego to match. Maybe the M&M was a bit more well-endowed.
Ohhh...! You are SOoooo witty, gorilla! (I'd NEVER have thought of this :-))
Nursemyra: Are you suggesting I shave my body, Nursie?
Clea: Many thanks, Clea. The man is vain, no doubt about it. I bet he thinks every woman wants to squeeze his buns.
Pi: I thought I was quite civil in the circumstances!
Eve: Well thank-you, Eve, but the credit really belongs to the clown. I try to avoid anatomical comparisons of that kind.
Mutley: Nudity has already been done - you'll have to think of something else to trademark.
Just my humble opinion *blush* x
It's entirely their fault that i shall wake up tomorrow with a mouth like a parrot's arse and a head like an inflamed testicle. I expect to get at least 50 million. Wish me luck.
Mrs Cake: I'm sorry you were distracted by the tongue, Mrs Cake, for there were other points for you to probe.
Nursemyra: I can imagine you with desire, Nursie, but not weak with it.
Asym42: You haven't a leg to stand on, my dear fellow.
Ms Ubermouth: Whatever gave you that idea? I'm more of a wigless judge, really.
Hammer: There is much in what you say, but I would advise against touching a lawyer's tongue.
Sam: Boss Hogg was my favourite.
What a delicious comeback you delivered to that oafish buffoon.
The fat asses called my boss immediately and complained. While laughing his ass off, my boss fired me... because it was his fat assed sister. Whatever. That was many years ago. Now a days when I'm asked such questions I simply say "Well, our sandwiches are really really tiny."
It's easier for them to hear about tiny sandwiches rather than fat asses. Take it from me.
See example here, on sale from a Lashkar:
Mosha: I suppose 200,000 per annum is not a lot when you believe you're a superstar. I hope he's paying hefty legal fees so he loses his metaphorical shirt as well as real one.
Native Minnow: Clowns love to think that they're hilarious. On rare occasions they are.
Upset Waitress: Maybe you're in the wrong job. That story could be a scene in a comedy pilot.
Mr Boyo: One of the blokes on that t-shirt seems to be naked from the waist down and the boots up, which is an interesting reversal of the New York concept.
Lady Daphne: That would be letting him off too easy, milady. He ought to carry you as well.
Ulaca: Witch-doctoring is the favoured profession for gifted homosexuals in my neck of the woods. Lawyers are not respected unless they have at least two mistresses, which rules out the gays.
Glamourpuss: That cowboy's ecdysing looks very half-arsed to me. You should sue him for making a hash of it as well.
Wait.....don't monkeys throw around their poo? Still.
You're lucky "loss of consortium" wasn't also included, although judging by the lass' looks, maybe there wasn't a lot to lose.
The Naked Cowboy is all a bit silly. I'm surprised he didn't sue The Naked Cowgirl, although really, I could think of better things to do to her than sue.
...Like discuss the finer points of pastie application and possible nipple chaffing.