Monday, July 30, 2007

A new direction

An American visitor resembling Quentin Tarantino explains his plan for seducing a former beauty queen in his tour party. He confidentially informs me that he will look directly into her eyes and declare:

“I’m going to give you a new direction.”

The idea behind this statement is that the woman will subconsciously hear the words:

“I’m going to give you a nude erection.”

This will subliminally implant the image of a phallus in her brain, causing her vulva to engorge and dilate like that of a female gorilla in oestrus. She will then drop her pants and bend over for the man to do his stuff.

I watch him closely as he shuffles up to the woman and stares at her like a hungry coyote. He drops his bombshell. She makes a face like a chimpanzee smelling a hippo fart and puts on her shades before walking away brusquely. I know not the condition of her vulva, but imagine it to be constricted as tightly as the anus of an ostrich having its tail feathers plucked.

I shake my head and gaze sadly into the blue African sky. A male gorilla takes no pleasure in witnessing a fellow primate make a hash of his species’ mating rituals. If only the man had been here a few months ago to observe a master in action. This gentleman was another American, resembling the actor John Cusack. While tending at the bar, I watched him exchange pleasantries with the female guests during the cocktail hour. One of them asked him what he did back home.

“Right now, I’m taking a break from wife-hunting in South Dakota,” he said a little sheepishly.

The ladies were evidently intrigued by this admission and spent the rest of the evening questioning the man about his plans and ambitions. The youngest and prettiest female in the party fluttered around him like a moth near a candle, gently tugging at his jacket sleeve to get his attention. She and the man quickly developed an understanding. By the end of the safari, they understood each other very well indeed.

Let’s analyse the key words in the man’s statement to see why it was so effective.


Indicates to females that he is ready to commit his worldly goods to the right woman until death-us-do-part (or shirt-off-his-back in earlier divorce settlement).

Taking a break from…

Indicates to females that he will not put them on the spot by suddenly popping the question, causing untold embarrassment and sweaty knickers.

South Dakota

Isn’t that a giant cornfield where tractors outnumber people? Why is he limiting his choice to a handful of straw-chewing farm girls? This young man needs to broaden his horizons!

The final point of interest about the statement is whether there was any truth in it. Having examined the man’s paperwork at the safari camp, I cannot pronounce definitively on this question. But given that he identified himself as an insurance salesman residing in New York City, I am inclined to scepticism.

It’s a tough world for the single girl, having to make on-the-spot judgements about whether a man is an honest suitor or just honestly dying for a fuck. Following every date with a lie-detector test has been known to kill the romance in a relationship. I wish I could offer some foolproof advice, but can only suggest that she look for inconsistencies and use her feminine intuition.

Gorilla Bananas can’t solve all of your problems.

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Hahahahaha...i so enjoyed reading this! You are so funny la!

But you know eventhough that line has been used a thousand years over, women still fall for the whole "i am looking for a bride" trick, God alone knows why

This false sense of comfort that there are actually men out there (whether real or not) who are not looking for a quick lay but a long-term relationship?!!!
Oh where were you when I was on the market?

Meeester got me by pontificating to an assembled group about his love of running out of his cottage into the surrounding fields naked. He then turned his attention to me (a woman he had never met) and said, "Want to join me?"

I would be intersted to know what you make of that.
Very clever, Mr Bananas. I can only hope that my intuition will somehow make a dramatic come back and help me find Mr Right, instead of Mr Right Now.

After all, there is a world of difference between your soul mate and someone who is good in bed. (Or so I hear. This is assuming that your soul mate can not do both, of course. And that you even believe in soul mates. If you disagree on both items, just disregard this comment all together)
In my humble experience , young ladies invariably fall for every stupid line going , before you throw you knickers in the air in truculent distbelief girls , what else explains the continued success of serial philanderers and swordsmen. The only reason I can come up wih Mr Bananas is the engorgement mentioned in your excellent post , must starve the brain of oxygen and lead to the sober equivalent of beer goggles.
Even insurance salesmen from New York look search for real love at times. Not all of them are souless, amoral bastards right? Still, I'm inclined to think it was a line though. It's a little too "Shucks, ahm jest lookin' fo' somebuddy to unnerstan' me" for my liking.
If I'd ever had a daughter I would have named her Vulva.
Does wife-hunting require a stun gun or does one just go straight in for the kill, thus saving years of hassle further down the line??
"dying for a fuck" ... when are we not? And my vulva is engorged just reading about nude erections...imagine if I saw one!
I am quite certain, Sir Cliff would disapprove of this post.

I once had a guy tell me he was a fighter pilot. I was very young then, but I didn't believe him. Plus, he was kind of smarmy...
And who cares what Cliff thinks. You are performing a, well, a service, advice giver.
Sabrina: Hello and welcome, Miss. I didn't know it was such an old line. I pity the men who really are looking for a bride.

Misssy: He said the right thing. A man who likes to run naked outdoors with his woman is good husband material. I wrote about this here.

Rosanna: You've got plenty of time to find Mr Right, Miss. And if he really is Mr Right, he'd do anything to please you in bed, you'll just have to teach him.

Beast: That's a very cynical theory, Beast. Perhaps women who want to be loved by a man are apt to indulge in wishing thinking when a handsome rake takes an interest in them.

Fatman: Insurance salesmen are trained to look and talk like the ideal son-in-law. Unless South Dakota really is full of eligible spinsters, he was spinning a yarn.

Lady Daphne: So that a lover who spoke her name would telling her what he truly wanted?

Goth: For some, it's a lasso round the tummy followed by a lifetime of marital bliss. Even tortured souls ought to wish for the happiness of others, Goth.

Jenny: You must use a very reliable method of birth control!

Trish: Cliff would be out of his depth in this discussion, Trish. And you deserve more than any fighter pilot could offer.
Oh I am sorry Mr Bananas, I shall endevour to 'Think Like Sir Cliff' in future........The Lord only knows where that may lead
You are sweet!
The difference between chat-up lines 1 and 2 is the difference between a rock and a finely tooled (npi) lobster fork when it comes to cracking a hard shell and revealing the soft, juicy innards. But they are both chat-up lines. No man would start a comment with the opposite sex by introducing himself as a quester unless he had a bit of... questing on his mind for that evening.

I would be intrigued by such a John Cusacky bloke though, I can't pretend I wouldn't be. But I would know what he was about. That might make a conversation even more delicious.
It's called my ass!
No, sorry, I tried two or three times but there is no engorgement and no dropping of the pants.
I never thought Martin Blank resembled Tarantino.

I thought you could solve all my problems.

I am having no luck at all. Do you think I should try his approach oh Guru? I do not want to get married again. Its depressing. I have been placing offensive personal ads instead...
Beast: Think like Superman, Beast. He had the power to look through a woman's knickers but never misused it.

Trish: Call me 'Sugar' Bananas if you want, Trish.

Sam: But some John Cusacks really might be wife hunting! That's what makes it such a mind game!

Jenny!: These low tech solutions can be very effective.

Minx: Oh dear! Maybe if you got someone to gaze into your eyes while saying it...

Mosha: Martin Blank was too gentlemanly for a Tarantino movie.

Mutley: The "nude erection" line might just work for you. No woman would take it seriously and you might end up humouring them into bed.
I have had to cross and uncross my legs repeatedly during this story..
I will add that all this talk of nude erections and the hunting and gathering of my vulval parts has completely thrown me off my domestic ministrations...
Oh dear.
Stungun....stungun....hmmm. Spanishgoth's suggestion for "wife hunting" is damn intriguing. I'm just surprised it hasn't been presented by the stungun manufacturer's marketing department previously.

"The Voltron 4000!! Intruders breaking in your house? Zap 'em with this baby! Black people walking down the street making you uncomfortable? Zap!...or perhaps you're looking for lurve? Sneak up to the one you like guessed it...Zap!!!Kiss date rape drugs for good with Voltron 4000! Voltron!!!"
a.) Glad I'm already married to my "soulmate" (hate that phrase)and to my great relief, he is a wonderful, generous lover. (see, it only took me four tries at the marriage game but I eventually got it right!)

b.) C'mon...all men think about is getting f*cked. How is it with gorillas?

c.) South Dakota if full of weirdos according to my 15 year-old son.

d.) Any sensible gal would pick John Cusack over Quentin Tarantino...
Hello GB,
Does the Congo ever know what you get up to on Blogspot?
Give me a new direction, GB.
I don't care how scary a surgeon you'd make. :)
John Cusack guy sounds like one clever primate.
I knew a guy who actually did all that subliminal crap, and he swore by it. It seemed interesting, and I was starting to become convinced that there might be something to it, but then his brother informed me that he hadn't been laid in over 2 years.
These are pretty basic male tactics and women should not be seduced by them.

Setting aside my dislike for QT, who looks like the result of a bizzare union between Stephen Hawkins and a banana, the only way to nab a member of the opposite sex and force them into marriage is violence, nailing them to the floor until they either propose, or just long enough to steal their wallet.
Domestic Minx: The thought of you crossing and uncrossing your legs may be equally distracting for some, DM.

Fatman: What are the advantages of a stunned wife? Apart from a bit of peace and quiet, that is.

Angelissima: Men and gorillas want to fuck, but they also want other things, which explains why you have a devoted husband. I'm surprised Mr Cusack isn't more of a heartthrob.

Suzy: I'd love to Suzy, but first I'll have to get my medical licence!

Diesel: I thought so, but look at all the women here who say his motives were transparent.

Captain Smack: Maybe he'll get laid if you give him the "new direction" line.

Mermaid: Suppose you meet a John Cusack lookalike who really is looking for a wife? Nailing him to the floor might put him off the idea.
I wish I could offer some foolproof advice, but can only suggest that she look for inconsistencies and use her feminine intuition.
Brilliant advice, as usual GB. The only problem with trying to use one's feminine intuition while talking to a chap one has picked up at a bar, is that one is usually a little pissed. The best advice might be to simply give him one's phone number and meet up with him once sober when it is easier to separate the wheat from the chaff or the one's who want to use you like a cheap sex toy from those with serious intentions.
Isn’t that a giant cornfield where tractors outnumber people?

There used to be gold there. I have it on good authority that gold has a direct effect on the average female vulva. Please note the term "average".
What exactly is a vulva? I mean exactly - I do know where it is...
“Right now, I’m taking a break from wife-hunting in South Dakota,” he said a little sheepishly.

Ya see, if spunky old John Cusack said that to me, I would interpret that as 'I'm looking for some dirty shagging that will lead absolutely nowhere.'
tarentino is very talented and whatever tactics he uses to get the vulva is condoned (and will be used) by me. as for south dakota, i've been told girls that like corn are really into carressing your genitals
I don't care about no licence, GB, honey.
Love you my hairy old ape.
I mean, one can always say these things in the Congo and not be heard. Shh!
Mr Mutley , a Vulva is a swedish car , Mr C drives one, or am i getting my c*nts mixed up
When courting a lady, I just cut straight to the chase and wave my engorged member in the lady's face.

It usually works, although sometimes it does result in me doing some jail time.
Hm. I don't think a John Cusack lookalike will be looking for a wife in South London. No, nailing a bloke to the floor while he's looking the other way is a much better way to get a man.

Mind you, reading Lord Likely above, I think he's got something there - the direct approach has got to count for something. I don't have an engorged member, but I can wave my stapler in a man's face and nod knowingly.
Emma: Unless, of course, she wants to be used like a cheap sex toy.

Kara: A coating of gold dust might improve its appearance, but probably not its taste.

Mutley: I think it's a catch-all term for all the bits and pieces around the female gusset.

LaughyKate: Well that's easy to say when he's not gazing into your eyes.

Raffi: Quentin is a one-trick pony and those South Dakota girls would be too ladylike for his movies.

Suzy: Thanks, Suzy, you're just what a hairy old ape needs!

Beast: And their slogan was: "you have to be a dildo to drive one".

Lord Likely: Hypnotizing victims into compliance with a snake dance certainly brings things to a head without delay.

Mermaid: Snapping your hole-punch in front of his nose would perhaps give a more obvious signal.
Angelissima is right: John Cusack doesn't need a chat up line, and they don't work for Tarantino, he is just WRONG.

Any girl worth their salt can smell a bad chat up line a mile away... unless they are gagging for a shag in which case they will welcome the effort!
I'm with Angelissima too - John Cusack definitely gets my vote over Quentin Tarantino, who looks like he's run face first into an angry gorilla's fist.

Best chat-up lines were in the Austin Powers films:
I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
Nice legs... What time do they open?
You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
My name is Bananas ......remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
Miss Cheese: I didn't think Quentin would be your cup of tea. As for John, he's a very fine actor.

Mrs Table: Good lines if you want to make a woman groan rather than moan. I seem to remember one of them from my circus days.
Clearly where I am having difficulty is that when a man says "new direction" I hear "new direction".

The other day I was talking about the unwary purchasing of cute puppies with enormous paws. And everyone heard "enormous balls".

I must have something very wrong with my hearing or speech processing center. Is there some treatment I can get?
Words of wisdom BG, words of wisdom indeed.
Maybe you should start a dating training agency for your hairless male cousins, you could turn a decent quid out of that I would imagine.
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