Monday, June 04, 2007

The naked truth

The American Association for Nude Recreation sent me an e-mail last week. It seems they are finding it difficult to recruit young members and need new ideas for promoting their creed. My reputation as a lateral-thinking ape obviously precedes me. They were presumptuous, however, in supposing that we gorillas approve of humans prancing about in the nude. Those with a good natural covering of fur don’t need clothes, but bare skin in the open air attracts buzzing insects and makes the snakes hiss.

I’m not surprised that the nudists are pining for fresh meat. It must be disheartening to see the bodies around you getting wobblier by the year, a mirror to your own sagging flesh. But if they want to attract spring chickens to the farmyard, they’ve got to sort out their charging structure. A flat fee per nipple is clearly nonsense. Young humans may not be financially astute, but even they must realise that they shouldn’t have to pay for having their goodies ogled by a bunch of ageing hippies.

I wrote back with several recommendations. Start by offering free vacations to firm-bodied newcomers. Don’t advertise or you’ll be deluged with applications from crusty-balled exhibitionists. Hire a team of people to scour the modelling agencies for talent. What should they look for? Top-notch booty. Cherchez le derrière is the motto for the nudie recruiter. Unlike the female bosom, the buttocks are of equal interest to both sexes and can be stared at while the owner is looking the other way. And if the hindquarters are first-rate, the other bits and pieces will usually be up to scratch as well. Pay the butt-hunters a fair commission for every quality rump they deliver and offer appearance money to the peachiest bums on show.

Then there’s the problem of young men having erections, an unwelcome distraction in a nudist colony. An exposed stiffy makes the maidens blush. The experienced ladies will wonder who caused it and get into competitive arguments, while the men will make vulgar jokes about playing a game of hoopla. Young male recruits must learn to suppress all thoughts of sex with mental images of Sunday School, hard-boiled eggs and Fanny Cradock. But there’s no harm in allowing the breeze in their groins to induce a moderate tumescence. A middle path between the broom handle and the dead mealworm is what’s required.

Lastly, the recreational activities need to be more appealing. Volleyball and tennis are negative clichés – for all their foolish bravado, humans don’t really want balls hurtling at them when they’re naked. Solo sports are surely more appropriate. I should imagine that women would find horse-riding quite stimulating. It might take them back to their teenage years, when they used to dream of galloping stallions. As for the men, swimming in heated pools containing life-sized mermaid dolls might be the thing to get their juices flowing. Real mermaids would be better, of course, but there are limits to what can be achieved on a fixed budget.

My final point was a gloomy one. Nudism is a declining pastime because its premise is flawed. Humans cannot go back to the pre-serpentine condition of Adam and Eve. Clothes, imagining what’s beneath them, and taking them off, are too important a part of how modern humans get sexually aroused. To cast them aside is to blunt one of the sharpest arrows in the sexual armoury. When a man meets a woman in alluring dress, he sees a soft-centred chocolate in a bright foil wrapper. Removing the wrapper and biting through the coating is an essential part of the whole experience. It also gives him the gumption to carry on chewing if he’s got the one with the nut in the middle.

Yey - first
I like naked gorillas......on toast, well, with a bit of marmite
Naked women are good too - but not the..... slightly chubby variety (trying to be politically correct)
I'm a prude, so I'd never, ever go to a nude beach. But should I ever feel the need to start taking nude holidays, I'll be sure to ask you first.
...humans don’t really want balls hurtling at them when they’re naked

...beg to differ. Most of the films I see are based on this very premise. Young man goes to repair a photocopier. Is suddenly surrounded by a group of horny secreteries and has to make sex with the lot of 'em before he can go home to his Peruvian girlfriend. Who will then have sex with him. And all his friends.

I was naked on a train once. And now I have a criminal record.

Moral of the story: Don't do drugs.
There's also the problem that it's generally too *bleep*ing cold to go starkers in this country unless you have a nice coat of fur.
That place in Italy where they banned fat ugly people from the beach had the right idea.
Damn, that's no sunbathing for us, then.
The real problem is that the wrong people go nude. But even then even though Ms R could, she prefers to be a soft centred chocolate in a bright foil wrapper.
God forbid one is left with the pineapple creme...

While I feel, generally, that it is rather more tempting to have the gentle delusion of clothing rather than a volley of balls hurtling toward me, I am sadly reminded of a most miserable and regrettable incident where the clothes really didn't make the man... and were hiding something rather mealworm than chocolate...
There was no nut in the middle.
There was simply a bright foil wrapper...
I love the feel of soft silk over a girls firm breasts just a thought.
Did you know that donoughts are very popular and important part in at nudist establishements activities.

Your reference to the legendary Mrs Craddock reminds me how good it is to make ring donoughts like Fannys.

There is a very popular competition with the ladies to see how many ring donoughts a chap can carry without using his hands.

By chance the chaps happen to like the game where the ladies get said donoughts off without using their hands.
Aye, it be a fair point you make there GB.
Clothes are more than just a modesty retaining tool, they can inspire people, make them physically ill, cause traffic chaos, etc
Wonderful things clothes.
Without them, we would not have anything left to imagine. It would be like picking up a book and reading the ending first, rather than enjoying all the different strata and discoveries involved that lead up to the climax.
I shed a tear when I read this. If the Florida based nudist camps are suffering declining numbers, I can only imagine that numbers in places where nuts easily freeze, like Aberdeen and Great Yarmouth, have dwindled to double figures.

you are spot on as always GB and I reckon that nudists will have to go the way of the dodo, as an inevitable part of evolution.
Goth: A slightly chubby woman, like Kate Winslet, is the finest thing in the human race.

Rosanna: Thank you, dear. I'm sure your naked body would drive men insane with lust, so it's just as well you're a prude.

Fatman: That sort of ball-hurtling seems dangerous rather than sexy. I hope you didn't make vulgar remarks to the ladies when you were naked on that train.

Mr X: You could always try the back garden.

Domestic Minx: You speak in metaphors, my dear DM. Shouldn't you devote a post to this incident?

Mr Ratty: A good thought. I expected you to say something about the picture.

Uncle Norman: That sounds more like an orgy than innocent naturalism.

Zuba: Too true! I've often felt queasy after seeing a man wearing a beret.

Emma: Group nudism is on the way out, but I hope that naked couples will continue to chase each other in their back gardens.
Ms Robinson : Sorry for missing you out. Welcome indeed! I'm sure you have much to tell us about the pleasure of being unwrapped in the right way by the right man.
I enjoy nude trampolining on weekends during the warmer months. I just make sure that I've had a wee before I do so - nobody wants to witness a leaky bladder I feel.

But that's just me, eh? Always thinking of the next guy...
I would like to be a "butt-hunter" sounds so exciting! You could also play ring toss with the erect men! That might be fun as well!
dirty hippies! without adam and eve, we wouldn't have our wonderful armani exchange, d&g, gucci, etc. besides, when you don't wear clothing, how can anyone tell your ever-important financial status? beyond that, i don't like looking at saggy organs. God bless cosmetic surgery.
Jungle Jane: Ahah! For once JJ underestimates the grossness of man! A forthcoming post will open your eyes, my red-haired piss virgin.

Jenny!: But would you be willing to squeeze the butts to make sure they were firm?

Raffi: The nudists should allow rich men to wear expensive dick jewelry.
Men in fur coats shouldn't throw stones at the naked or they'll get a bird in the bush and no stitch in time to save them.
Or something.
However, not every chocolate in the box will aquiesce to being bitten without biting back, wrappers or no.
Can I be a nudist that wears shoes? I have such lovely shoes. It would be a shame to cast them aside for some silly ideal about the natural form, you know?
Kara's right! Ideally, I'd be a nudist with a pair of funky espadrilles and an enormous hat (to prevent freckling.) If I was anywhere North of Paris though, I'd be a nudist with apparel. The spirit would still be there, you see, but it would be hidden under soft, warm cozy clothes.
"my red-haired piss virgin"

What the fuck is one of those?

Does she never go to the toilet? Ever?
I have no wish to join a group that consists mainly of other men who look worse than I do and the odd female with the obligatory National Geographic tits and appendix scar, especially if membership of such a group requires an annual subscription.
If the money were burning a hole in pocket I would subscribe to Hustler which I would then read at my leisure whilst lounging, spreadeagled and naked on my sofa and get far more enjoyment in the comfort of my own home without the irritation of getting sand under my foreskin.
On the down side, you can hardly use sand under the foreskin as an excuse for rubbing one out on the sofa if caught doing so by the wife whereas on the beach nobody can prove it isn't true.
My God, GB.
What has your blog done to a nice sweet girl like me? :-)
I guess my Carry On films are child's play compared to your raunchy specialist subjects.

My reputation as a lateral-thinking ape obviously precedes me.

Really now????????
Dear gorilla bananas. You fail to look into the real reason young people don't want to join the hordes of leather-skinned hippies. Cause they don't wanna become one. Sun smart living has made it's mark around the world in the ozone-holed society, and I want to escape skin cancer in any way possible. And I don't want to look like I'm wearing a leather body suit by the time I'm 40. Perhaps if we would only (d)evolve and grow lots of gorilla hair, then we could enjoy the nudey rudey lifestyle.
A woman in a nice dress or a naked woman? its a toss up and you can get into trouble for staining dresses.

Grab ass is a game for all the family to play or todger tether.
Hi again GB,
I'm still in town - original location. Travelling only next week. This week just getting my strength back. Because of the lack of nutrition. But the worst is over. I'll write a post later today & will be keep you informed. :-)
PS: Have you shaved today? hee-hee!
Mrs Table: "A bird in the bush" sounds interesting. I think women have a better nest than men with a place to incubate the eggs as well.

Kara: I think they'd make that allowance for you, given your high level of foot shame.

Sam: "Nudist wearing clothes" is a brilliant name for a book or maybe a band. You'd better patent it quickly.

Goth: Heh! You've not quite understood. Friday's post might help.

Eddie Waring: Hustler is still in business? How do they compete with the internet?

Suzy: Good girls read everything but blush at the right moments. I've been growing a beard since I was born. Glad to hear you're getting your zest for life back.

Mrs Moi: Good point. Wasn't that the slip, slop, slap campaign? I think you could still get away with the occasional 15 minute nude romp around the garden.

Knudsen: But how would a girl react to a nude Knudie?
"to blunt one of the sharpest arrows in the sexual armoury".... could anybody else have put it more politically correct? :))) cool, post, GB, love your style.
I expected you to say something about the picture.

My god, am I really that transparent?
However she is displaying a rather nice pelt, got any more?
Sure, I will squeeze butts to check the quality of their firmness!
I do go to the toilet Spanishgoth. It's just that my piss doesn't stink...
Evening Mr B

You are clearly a 'rump gorilla', I too am a rump girl, in fact the male rump is one of the few things that makes The Little Cheese melt...

That aside, I wouldn't dream of joining a nudist beach. As you say, it denies one the mystery and excitement... and it means that sand can get in some really unpleasant places.
I can see no objection to nudism Mr Bananas indeed I am nude right now - do you have a webcam??
I once had a girlfriend who wore large, baggy clothes, a big, floppy hat, glasses, and kept her hair in a pony tail. You would have no idea, seeing her out in public, how attractive she actually was (very).

Dating an exceptionally beautiful woman can be a real pain in the ass sometimes, but this was nice for me because guys were not hitting on her or trying to make off with her everywhere we went, yet I still got all the goodies at home.
Kissmenow: Thank you, Miss, I try hard to avoid giving offence.

Mr Ratty: Is the pelt really the best thing about her? I think you've had one too many Brazilians.

Jenny!: How could I have doubted you?

Jungle Jane: Piss with no smell JJ? How will men know when you're in heat?

Miss Cheese: All gorillas are rump gorillas, so you'd be a sister to us. We'd teach you how to greet a male by touching rumps.

Mutley: Webcam? You've been having too much excitement as it is. "Put your draws on and take your gun off" as Mr Eastwood once said.

Captain Smack: It sounds as if she wanted to be appreciated for her personality. I expect she was until you got her naked.
GB, my words of wisdom for today are that I don't know why you chose a pic of a girl with small tits. You are such a BOOBIE man!
(Plus, this is what happens when I'm well. I come & hog your comment box with all kinds of nonsense. :) )
Oops...I mean APE!
I am a boobie ape, Suzy, but that doesn't mean I prefer big boobies. All sizes have their own particular attractions. Incidently, I am also a rump and thigh ape. And I like the back and shoulders as well.
It is the curse of the human primate condition, 'Nanas. Our hairlessness is God's reminder to us that we enter the world in the state of original sin. We envy you, fully hirsute in your prelapsarian idyll.
Booby ape hmm? Mr Bananas, Ms R wishes to draw your attention to an article in this morning's Guardian by Dr. Glenn Smith who obviously has a doctorate in Nudity. Apparently "naturist environments potentially offer a unique space to explore the breadth of sexual feelings." I thought that was called an orgy. Explain please.
Conan: In my view "original sin" is a positive type of sin, quite unlike the spirit of the devil that requires exorcism. Papist dogma needs revision.

Ms Robinson: Piffle. If a baboon made that argument to me, I'd give him a thrashing and send him back to primary school. Humans don't need a naturist environment to explore their sexual feelings.
Excellent post gb, rich in food for thought. It got me what point does slightly chubby become mildly fat? Or does it depend who's putting it on?
Laffing me ass off here, dude. Why you no visit no moor?


I wonder if the heavenly bodies that saturate the media make it easier for one to practice as a nudist, or harder - as an aroused fellow, I mean.

Back in the day, flesh was glimpsed barely, so the nudist may well have been more prone to Skyward Elavation.

Maybe it is not so much of a problem these days, now that one can buy 'nuts' off the middle shelf at the newsagents.

It takes away some of the verve and recklessness of the nudist, for me at least.
dh: We gorillas don't have much body fat, so I'm not sure. Perhaps 'fat' is more about texture and shape than actual width.

Birdy: Sorry, mate, difficult to keep track of all the blogs I've visited.

Mosha: You can't have an erection for ever, so nudism inevitably means you're going to stop getting one when you see a beautiful female body. You decide whether that's good or bad.
Mr Bananas: I have been catching up with some of your posts. I don't love you yet but in time I think I may.

Thank you
Read away, Ms Robinson. I want to be loved by you. The love of a beautiful female is the best thing on Earth.
Mr Bananas, so amusing and compelling is your writing that I am considering leaving, for a limited time only, a further pic of Ms R on her site as a reward.
Fuck feminism. Men who are funny and clever deserve pictures of women's breasts (clad of course. Done
"A middle path between the broom handle and the dead mealworm is what’s required."

Ahhh, the Middle Way. It's a very Zen course of action.
Gorilla spirituality is quite close to Buddhism, Trish.
Yer final paragraph sums it all up. The only exception being Cherie Blair. She looks as rancid when she is near naked as when she is encased in concrete. Preferrably encased in concrete.
I would like to urge the nudists or aspiring nudists to donate their clothes to those in the third world who do not have sufficient clothing to cover themselves, on account of poverty.

They could donate these closer home, as well, to those who are homeless and jobless.
It's easy for a gorilla to make fun at our complicated mating situation you have an exclusive harem!
Your observations regarding nudism were hilarious and unfortunately true. Who the hell wants to view swinging appendages that had been indiscriminantly fondled to excess during their halcyon days back in the 60s?

Nuditry and all of the accompanying cockamamy ancillary ideas are more or less well past the best before date. I can't find it mentioned anywhere in the Web 2.0 Manifesto.
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