Friday, June 22, 2007

Dracula's castle

Good sense has prevailed in Romania! The government has agreed to return Dracula’s castle to the descendants of the legendary bloodsucker. It was surely wrong to deprive people of their property because their ancestor was a bit eccentric. We all have skeletons in our cupboards, quite possibly the remains of some night prowler who got a stake through the heart. Who really knows? My lineage is as untainted as they come, but even I can’t be certain there wasn’t a neck-nibbling gibbon in the Bananas family tree. Let he among you who is free from fangs suck his own toes.

Now the Romanians claim that Vlad Dracul was unfairly maligned. They insist that he only ever bit women in the normal rough-and-tumble of coital frenzy. All that stuff about chasing English virgins and drinking their blood was revisionist history dreamt up by Bram Stoker. The real Count Dracula was the leader of national liberation movement. He slew Turkish invaders without mercy, impaling their bodies on well-greased skewers like so many kebabs. Crooked merchants and cantankerous women were punished more severely. The historical sources agree that he was sadistic but fair.

Dracula films have been banned at the safari camp since the Great Chimpanzee Riot of ’98. In a moment of queer fancy, the camp manager decided to screen an obscure Brazilian version of the story in which the lunatic Renfield is played by a man in a chimp mask. The chimpanzees watching at the window smacked their lips in annoyance when Renfield started jumping about in his cell. All hell broke loose when he was shown trying to rape his bedside cabinet. If there is one insult that drives chimps crazy, it’s the suggestion they have unnatural relations with trees. Depicting a chimpanzee trying to mate with an item of furniture is tantamount to an accusation of necrophilia. Swarms of infuriated chimps besieged the guesthouse for three whole days, digging up the shrubs and shitting in the swimming pool. I eventually negotiated peace terms in which the offending videocassette was handed over for ritual dismemberment.

The last good Dracula film I saw was the one starring Gary Oldman, who hammed it up in grand style. It was all quite diverting, yet I left the cinema feeling that the real Vlad couldn’t possibly have been that light-hearted. Remember the scene where the old Count shaves Jonathan Harker with a cutthroat razor, licks up a dollop of his blood and lets out one of those rip-roaring evil laughs? Very ironic, but there is no historical record of Vlad Dracul moonlighting as a barber, let alone laughing at his own jokes. The one surviving portrait of him presents the face of an utterly humourless bugger. Not that one can blame him, of course. It must have been hell waking up every morning to the stench of rotting flesh and the din of caterwauling widows which he himself had created. No peace for the wicked, as the saying goes.

Vampire films are past their sell-by date anyway. Watching slender virgins having their necks bitten gets boring after a while. We gorillas are rump apes. I’d like to see more booty in the cinema, both virginal and non-virginal. I’m currently working on a movie plot about a toothy dwarf who preys on women with big wobbly arses. He is eventually undone by a lady with a posterior as firm as it is enormous, thanks to her daily “buns of steel” exercise regime. The dwarf breaks his teeth on her taut flesh and is led away in shame to a new career as a horse-fellatiator. I like films to have a strong moral message.

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Dwarves get all the bad roles. 'Austin Powers', 'Little Man'. And now you want to humiliate them further? I hope you plan to pay well!

But you're right (of course) about vampire flicks. The last ones I saw were the Blade trilogy, and they were were shite.
Vlad doesn't impress me. Real men don't take such pains with their ringlets.

How can you tell if a rump is virginal or non-virginal just by looking? You would think you'd have to peer quite closely, and deploy gyneacological instruments to detect that.
She has a bubble butt like me.
"The government has agreed to return Dracula’s castle to the descendants of the legendary bloodsucker."

Just wait 'til the family starts suing for the royalties from all the Dracula movies.
GB, have you already selected your cast for your movie? With a bit of makeup i am certain I could play the dwarf.

Will they be real bottoms I am expected to suckle, or are they props? If they are real, consider your dwarf casted.
Mr GB.
Sucking a girls blood through a tear in her neck is so passée.
With today's technology it is made so simple - look here

The blonde lady who is waiting for something, I can see the dwarf's teeth marks or are they pimples on her cheeks.
That's what I like about your writing, GB. You bring it home full circle, starting with impaling and ending with bum-biting. Fabulous.

Hi GB,
Read me tomorrow (Saturday). :-) I'll have a new post up. Today's is still stale.
I'll also read your Dracula post tomorrow and seal your box with my blood-curdling comment. :-)
Lord Milky: Humiliation is a relative concept. Dwarves have thick skin and will shrug off the jeers if you pay them well.

Sam: Virgin rump has no teeth marks on it, never having been bitten. It also sounds different when you smack it.

Ms Smack: I knew you had a great one, but I'm still interested in your thighs.

Ms Sparrow: I think they've missed the boat, hardly anyone watches them these days.

Jungle Jane: You always want to be the active one, JJ. Don't be so macho, let someone suck your bum for a change.

Mr Ratty: That sort of blood is undrinkable, we call it red yolk in Africa. I'd envy the dwarf who got to nibble the one in the picture.

R. Sherman: Thanks, Randall, I try to cater for all peversions.

Suzy: OK Suzy, I'll be round to read it.
Extremely enlightening Mr bananas and your warnings about monkeys and trees will prove to be useful, shall tuck away this nugget of information like a pencil behind my ear for later use! It would be wrong to annoy an ape I think especially a super strength chimp!

On the topic of old movies and indeed new - how accurate is King Kong? have you ever written about this and if so when? I need this information for a special reason as one of his relatives is terrorising a friend of mine and it would be nice to see him off!
Mutley, you satirical pooch, you know very well that King Kong is complete balderdash! I wrote about it here.
Dracula A.D. 1972 with Christopher Lee. Hugely entertaining and plenty of obligatory shots of ladies heaving bosoms, the trademark of a good Hammer film. A tasty young Stephanie Beacham is in it too sporting a pair of very tasty tats. She was a fine specimen wasn't she?

I'm getting carried away. Post more pictures of that young ladies bottom.
I would like to see a cartoon of a Buddhist monk dispatched by stake to be reincarnated as a born again Christian Evangelist.
And I would like ot see more dick in movies! You guys already get a whole lot more tits and ass to look at then us girls! It's just not fair!
Okay GB. I can be submissive. Will you be changing your film script so that the dwarf is the one with teethmarks on the bum??
Miss Jenny,

Surely it is Steven Segal you need to be watching. The fellow is 100% dick.
You hammer nails into people's head and you get a bad name, whats that about?

The last vampire film I saw was Steel Magnolias as that sucked the life right out of me.
Eddie Waring: Those Dracula films were all tit and no bum. I'm glad you appreciate the pictured one, it deserves a lot of attention.

a.a.a-h: That would be a demotion for the Buddhist monk. Mr Segal has the face of a constipated moose: he is all blocked anus.

Jenny: I like a woman who likes dick. You only like circumcised ones, right?

Jungle Jane: You wouldn't be right for the part of a dwarf, JJ. I need you for the role of a tart who likes being spanked by a gorilla.

Knudsen: I bet you got thrown out of the cinema for shouting "lezzer".
Woman are suppose to like dick! We are not called fuck holes for nothing! Really, any dick on the big screen is good dick! Cut or's better than looking at more fucking tits!
So that's why I couldn't get on yr blog today at work.

(stares with rueful ammusement at massive picture of ladies rump.....)
I take it the rump in question is one of your regular entertainers at safari camp? Can you tell me what happened after you took the picture?
The Count's descendants have a right to rake in their share of the moolah.
I would give Christopher Lee a pint any time. Jimmy Nesbitt would make a great Vlad, if his new series Jekyll is anything to go by.

Didn't someone try to blame the origins of AIDS on a green monkey biting a human? Or was it the Russians trying to destroy western society ...
Whenever that Gary Oldman "Dracula" is on television, I can't help but watch it. I don't know why, exactly.

Jenny is correct. There is not enough male nudity in the movies these days. They really need to get working on that!

Are all men "ass men" these days? No good old-fashioned leg men or breast men around anymore? Pity.
Jenny!: Men who can act well and get erections in front of a camera are probably quite rare. You do want good acting, don't you?

Ill man: I am shocked that this blog has been censored.

Ms R: Very gentle rubbing and licking would have been appropriate. It would be a desecration to bite a rump like that.

Sidhu: They could always open the castle to guests.

Lady Daphne A chimp may have given the virus to a human, they'll shag anything.

Trish: You've got good taste, because he's a very good actor. I never realised that leg and breast men were in short supply. The butt is much harder to get right.
"It was surely wrong to deprive people of their property because their ancestor was a bit eccentric."

A bit eccentric? You mean, like Hitler was "a bit naughty" or Victoria Beckham is "quite slim" or Japing Ape is "mildly amusing".

I think there's a compliment in there somewhere, Mr Ape!
I think it's their 'naughty website detection software' , it's a tad on the sensitive side.
Dear gorilla bananas. Behind the iron curtain, people like to refer to skewered kebabs as 'shashlyk'. I wonder if turkish shashlyk is still all the vogue in Romania after all these centuries?

The dwarf could also have a career neutering cows. Or dogs. Cows might me too tall.
As you know, I am partial to a little biting...
I wonder now and then about my deep, dark possible links to Romanian royalty and access to their presumable fortune made off the shenanigans of a certain Vlad.

Now, whose bum will I have to bite to get a part in this exciting new venture of yours??

I am perturbed by the presence of the indeterminable object in the right hand corner of your bulbous arse photo...

Oh dear, I have looked at it again and realize it is the background evident between her parted thighs..

In my partly inebriated state it looked for all the world like a mossy stake that Vlad himself may have used for impaling cantankerous women...

I might go and have a lie down now...
I wouldn't want Dracula as my property, would you, GB...especially with all that blood-sucking involved! :-) Rather have...
GB, you know what...
I've only just seen a picture of the girl's bottom because it took forever to download. Naturally, I'm choking...
Do you plan to spank it? :-)
A fluffer in equine porn flicks?
That's a whole new career path I haven't ever really thought of to be quite honest.
The human brain is a strange thing.
It would seem the ape brain is even stranger.
Hate to be a spoilsport but Bran castle has been much maligned (for touristic reasons). The associations with Vlad Tepes are quite tenuous. His real castle is a heap of ruins elsewhere.
I have been wondering about Vlad - he seems to have a lot of hair - doesn't seem very practical if you sucking blood,also the moustache would get in the way...
I vaaaaaaaant to sark YOR BLUD!
Mrs Table: I noticed it! Thank you, ma'am, I kiss your hand.

Ill man: What kind of pervert instals bottom-detecting software?

Mrs Moi: The impaling days are over, thank heavens. I once heard that Australian sheep are neutered by mouth.

Domestic Minx: As you are a married lady, I would insist that you only bite women's bottoms. Your own succulent posterior should be on the receiving end too.

Suzy: I wouldn't spank it, it's a work of art really.

Zuba: I was thinking of a stud farm, but now you've put other ideas into my head.

dh: Vlad would surely find Bran Castle suitable if he were alive.

Mutley: He'd get blood on his moustache, but maybe he'd enjoy it. Men with moustaches drink milk, don't they?

Ms Smack: Who ya talkin' to, pretty lady?
That guy Vlad is it the same Vlad the impaler? His portrait looks pretty familiar but then again most portraits of that era did ... I am wondering whether or not I've been here before but my memory is so terrible I cannot recall ... nice blog though ... I jumped in via friends of friends blogs ... come see mine if you like it is a glorious saga of my downfall (shouldn't joke actually it really IS) but I'm trying to climb up again ... ok all the best to you

take it easy
Vampires? Fuck me. I mean, say what you will about the tenets of cannibalism, at least it's an ethos.

*Also, each Autumn my bathroom is somehow taken over by enormous Cave Crickets and I've taken to calling them "Silverbacks". I realize that's not strictly relevant to the post, but I thought you might enjoy it, what with being a Gorilla...
GB, the perverts I work for it would seem...........
I've often thought how cruel Dracula's parents were calling him Vladimir. Its a mouthful anyway, let alone if you have sharp incisors. I bet he cut his lips a lot, poor sausage.
Well, good on Romania for turning the castle back over. Maybe it will stop the tourists flocking their in droves, though I doubt it.

Tourists seem to love a good blood-sucking story.

PS: Gary Oldman was great.
Gledwood: Best of luck with your problems, hope you find a way out of them.

Kristin: Invite me over and I'll eat them for you.

Ill man: If you get a googlemail account, you can read blogs without loading the pages using the google reader.

Miss Cheese: How soft-hearted you are. Dracula would have kicked his blood habit with a girlfriend like you.

Rosanna: Fantasy trumps history in the tourist industry. The Romanians should get Gary Oldman to do commercials for them.
Vampires suck.
I have done plenty of sucking in my time, yet no-one has made a film starring Gary Oldman about ME.

Where is the justice, I ask.
Gary Oldman is a genius
Damn it...yes I do want erections and good acting! Why is that so hard???
Eat my "Silverbacks"? I'm quite certain I've never been more offened!
Thanks for the answer to my question, GB.
How strangely thoughtful of you, my gentle ape.
yours puzzled-ly...
mr bananas - as I have just embarked upon a rigorous gym routine that is sure to result in buttocks of steel (if not the personal trainer is sacked) how can I be sure that I won't be attacked by a toothy dwarf?
Lord Likely: Have you indeed? Do you have a very supple back, m'Lud?

Ms Smack: And a cheeky fella to boot.

Jenny!: Viagra makes them hard, but it doesn't teach them how to act.

Kristin: Ill eat whatever you want me to, Missy.

Suzy: I'd rather rub it gently than bite it.

Ms Gap: You should relish the prospect! Your bottom will teach him a good lesson!
thanks gb for the warning. though not a dwarf by any means, i too like to bite women's ass. as for gary oldman's dracula pic, do you mean him as 'sid vicious'?
I've always had the hots for Gary Oldman. He was glorious in that movie.

Silly business about this castle. That being better still be a fucking museum when I go there in February, or I'll do a little impaling of my own.
You should check out the video series "Hott & Hungry Butt Chompers, I thru IV". I believe they are distributed by Everything Anal Video, LTD, out of California. I don't think there are any apes in the films, but I seem to remember one guy that was quite hairy, that might help.
Raffi: I never saw him play Sid. Imagine having to sit through all that noise.

Kara: Going on a holiday to Europe, Kara? Look forward to your report.

Captain Smack: It seems that there are no new ideas in the sex movie business.
Dracula 2000 was a waste of time and money. Would have been much better if there was a dwarf in it...
to your answer, GB.
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