Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Men of Nature's calling

Someone suggested that we gorillas should hold a memorial service for Steve Irwin, the Australian crocodile cuddler who was perforated by a deadly sea monster. Much as I lamented the news of his demise, I nevertheless argued against it. Mr Irwin, peace be upon him, was obsessed with a single animal species. There’s nothing wrong with that, if the decencies are observed, but it does tend to divert attention from the big picture. Furthermore, I can’t think of a creature less appreciative of being hugged by a human than a crocodile. As far as I could tell, most of them couldn’t wait to wriggle out of his grasp and take refuge at the bottom of the garden pool.

The funny thing is that if Irwin had come to the Congo he would have found umpteen female gorillas queuing up for a dose of slap and tickle. The human male is something of an exotic sex toy for my hairy sisters, who are fascinated by his texture and smell. After passing through their clutches, a meaty fellow like Irwin would have found out what a tenderized steak feels like. Cuddle a female gorilla and she’ll cuddle you back with interest.

Now Ray Mears, the bush survival expert, is a man whose death I certainly would mourn, not least because he’s a personal friend who has twice stayed with my band. The first visit had to be cut short after Raymond insisted on living exactly as we did, eating his termites raw and licking the moisture off frogs. He was struck down with dysentery and had to be carried back to the safari camp with his shorts pulled down to his ankles, so his effusions could dribble onto the ground.

On the second visit, he wisely agreed to abandon his “do as the Romans do” policy and came equipped with water purification tablets, canvas tent, gas stove and other human essentials. Things went a lot better as a result, and by the end of his stay the youngsters were calling him ‘Uncle Lumpy’. The females had other affectionate nicknames for him which I wouldn’t care to repeat.

On his last night in the jungle he cooked a magnificent feast for us: snake meat and fish were barbecued on wooden skewers; yams, peppers and a dead lizard were roasted in a sizzling underground oven. You humans can keep your Fanny Cradocks, Kenny Homs and Jimmy Olivers – I’ll take the simple jungle fare of Mearsy every time. You don’t need fancy marinades and vinegrettes to delight the palate of a gorilla.

We opened a keg of our best fermented coconut juice to wash down the food and prolong the festivities into the night. Humans usually hold their liquor better than gorillas, so it surprised me when Raymond was the first to plead grogginess and retire to his tent. He didn’t emerge next morning until the sun was high in the sky, looking decidedly red-eyed and dishevelled.

“I had this terrible dream GB,” he said. “Some big hairy beast was holding me down and squeezing me all over my body.”

“It must have been the coconut brew, Raymond,” I said. “It can have that effect if you’re not used to it.”

“That’s what I thought,” replied Mearsy. “But my muscles ache all over and I can definitely feel a bruise on my left buttock. Would you mind looking at it?”

Examining a man’s hindquarters is not one of my preferred pastimes, but a sturdy fellow like Ray Mears wouldn’t have made a fuss about some trivial abrasion. So we found a discreet spot in the undergrowth where Mearsy pulled down his khaki shorts and I crouched down to inspect his rear. I was horrified by what I saw. Amid a welter of red marks was an enormous hickey on which primate teeth marks were clearly visible. It was obvious what had happened. One of the females had spiked his drink and infiltrated his tent for a night of chubby-chewing.

Although honesty is normally my preferred policy, there are always exceptions to every rule. One of them is when a female from my band sexually assaults a famous BBC presenter whose august employer might sue the Bananas Estate.

“It looks like you’ve been bitten by a creeping arse-bug, Raymond,” I said. “I’ll get some ointment to ease the discomfort.”

“Creeping arse-bug?” inquired Mearsy with a puzzled look on his face. “I’ve not heard of that one before. What is it GB?”

“It’s a mutant tarantula with rodent-like teeth,” I explained. “A rare nocturnal beast with a taste for hippos and humans. I believe the late President Amin had his troubles with them.”

I dressed Raymond’s wound as best I could, giving him strict instructions not to remove the plaster for a week. His porters arrived later that morning, and I bade him a cordial farewell, looking daggers at any female who approached him for a parting embrace.

After Mearsy had left, I summoned the females for a staff meeting and read them the riot act. I didn’t try to identify the culprit – it was probably a team effort anyway. I simply said that anyone who pulled a stunt like that again would be sent to live with the chimpanzees for a month, which would be social death for a gorilla. I’m not going to pay a fortune in damages because some hairy bitch can’t keep her teeth to herself.

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Good morning Mr Bananas.
How come , if Mr Mears is always out 'surviving' and stuff , that he is so chubby ??
Does he have a porter carrying a sack of pies wherever he goes ???
Hello GB! The image of Mearsy and his effusions is a tad too strong for me to cope with this early in the morning - (shudder). But I must say that he is lucky to have a steady and caring pal like you to look out for him!

Interesting that your gorilla females find him attractive though. . . .
Good lord GB!
"I can’t think of a creature less appreciative of being hugged by a human than a crocodile."
How about a sting ray?

You seem to have a rather spirited and determined shrewdness of apes there.
because some hairy bitch can’t keep her teeth to herself.

Do you have a camera up in my bedroom?

Makes you wonder about the link between greek weeman and primates, well ok maybe it doesn't.
Good to see there's order in the ape kingdom. Where would we humans be without it.
Ray Mears is so yesterday. For the man of the moment look up Bear Grylls at

The human male is something of an exotic sex toy for my hairy sisters, who are fascinated by his texture and smell.

I'm calling the EMBLOS and canceling the safari plans.

Your behaviour in this matter was beyond reproach as usual Mr Bananas. Mr Mears suffered no permanent injury and to have learnt the truth would simply have upset him further. I doubt if he is entirely sane as it is ....
Guess one could say we've got much to learn from our hairy sisters! Lol! Love your blogs as usual! (",)
Beast: Don't judge a book by its cover. Mearsy is what we gorillas called chubby-althletic.

Spymum: I'm so sorry I spoiled your breakfast, Poshmum. It must be a busy time for you. Would you say that Mearsy was good husband material? I'm sure the single girls here would value your opinion.

Zuba: Did he actually try to hug that stingray? I'd call that suicide. Female gorillas know what they want and generally get it.

Knudsen: Well it's no so bad if the teeth are in a cup on the bedside table. Have you ever been bitten by a girl, Knudie?

Chickybabe: Hello and welcome, Miss Babe. Unfortunately, someone has to crack the whip to maintain order.

Minx: Ah, Minxie, I wondered who'd be the first to mention him. Been watching all his shows then? He likes his food raw, like a gorilla, but do you think he's been tempted to pilfer a Mars Bar from the camera crewe?

Randall: If you limit yourself to young females, they'll tone up your muscles quite nicely.

Mutley: I'm glad I behaved in accordance with your high ethical standards. I can see that underneath it all you're a watchdog rather than a hound. I'd nominate you for a position cracking down on immorality and vice in public life.

Ivonne: Thank you, Sweetheart. Be selective in what you learn from them!
I love Steve Irwin...I think he actually fooled around with an orangutang once...kind of shoved his hand up her whoo-hoo and then talked about it! Does that make you gorillas jealous???
Bah, the truth will out. I suspected as much when I returned to base to discover a gorilla tooth embedded in my posterior. Still, boiled for 17 hours with some nettles and mud, it made a very nourishing soup.
Leaving a tooth in there is just sloppy ravishing. Mind you, I can see how it might happen if the bottom being bitten was a particularly tough one. The Welsh are famous for their tough, stringy glutes. Now there's a race who could use some sitting in a fancy marinade for a few hours before the ravishing begins.
I had no idea female gorillas were so... "flexible"... in that area. It's comforting to think that later on in life - when I've finally exhausted all possibilities with human females - I may still have some options available.
You know Mr Bananas, with leadership skills like that you really should consider taking the presidency
"Mearsy pulled down his khaki shorts and I crouched down to inspect his rear"

Betchya glad he didn't let a ripe one rip, eh??
Jenny: That's bad. Females like to be romanced a bit before fiddling with their naughty bits. Don't you, Jenny?

Enidd Mears: Is Ray on TV in your part of the world?

Sam: Is Ray Welsh? Good for him. His bum was much too fleshy to get a tooth in it. That was Enidd pretending to be Ray.

Captain Smack: They won't be interested when your flesh is tough and stringy. If you're going to experiment, do it when you're young.

Freelance: I'd take the presidency of the masseuses' union if it's up for grabs.

Jungle Jane: Mearsy is a gentleman of the old school who would burst his gut rather than fart in a friend's face. Have you ever been wined and dined by a gentleman, JJ?
Hello GB

I am not sure why you took umbrage at the females and their philandering. Its natural for the female species to want to make their mark...
Who knew so many profound blog posts could come out of the jungle.

Loved the comment on the crocodiles, too. I went to Australia Zoo to see Steve Irwin - it was a little bit scary.
Perhaps Irwin was just canvassing for bags - can't beat those little crocodile numbers on e-bay

As for Mears - indeed, one can never have enough pie....
"One of the females had spiked his drink and infiltrated his tent for a night of chubby-chewing."

I admire her man-getting technique, wily but effective. I'm taking notes.
enidd doesn't think ray mears is on telly. not in english anyway. a shame, because molvania is in need of nourishing soups.
Miss Cheese: Hahaha, that's a good one. I think I'd enjoy getting a mark from you.

Rosanna: Thanks Rosanna. I never saw him live. I've been to the zoo in Sydney, which was great.

Goth: I knew you wouldn't be able to resist jumping on the 'Fatty Mears' bandwagon. You could learn a lot from Ray.

Trish: I guess that's true if you like your men passive and enjoy a good bite. I think you might get bored after a while.

Enidd: He did a show in your part of the world where he met some former WW2 partisans. They taught him about surviving in the forest by making unusual soups.
Ha-Ha, how I enjoyed this post, GB.
You really know how to tickle the spirit with those scaru hairy thoughts.
What will I find if I come to the Congo, my gorgeous Gorilla? I just might, you know.
Or is that a dangerous question to ask?
GB, your posts make my day.
I'll still be commenting & posting as usual, only that the timing is erratic.
Oops, I meant, scary, hairy, thoughts... :-)
Hello Suzy dearest. You'll find me inviting you to share a coconut. Just keep us informed about your travel plans.
This is one of the hidden dangers we face in life. One night as you mind your own business you might suddenly find your banana beer spiked and before you know it you've been ganged raped by horny female gorillas. It happens.

As for our Australian "celebrities" I'd just like to point out that we are not limited to people who wrestle crocodiles or fold their willies to look like piano accordions. We also have dudes who have served with the Taliban, fat cricketing legends known for their moustache and incredible drinking record (52 beers from Sydney to London!), fat cricketing legends known for their countless infidelities and Rolf Harris.
I do believe he was trying to get fresh with it.
Let's face it, wouldn't you want to stab him in the heart of he tried to make a move on you?
Would it be fair to say then, that the human female excites you in the same way as us men do your females?
Passive is not good. I stand corrected, sir.
Fatman left out the dinky little Minogue from his list of Aussies.

And, incidentally, the reference to pie and Mears was not entirely about that sort of pie..... more like 'I would like to eat Kylies pie'
Somewhere between the beginning and the end of this post...I lost your point. And I'm too sick to try and find it again.

Who's that in the tree?
Irwin is fond of being chased around by many other species.

I especially enjoyed watching him get clawed by an enraged Komodo Dragon.

But yes, Mears is a much more interesting fellow.

It would be him I would summon should I need someone's advice on storing sliced bread overnight in the siberian wastelands.

It's a shame you had to lie to him.

But I guess Gorilla rough and tumble is a little more physical than the human equivalent.
How are your Gorilla Bananas? I haven't blogged for a while ... I have some free time today so I thought I'd see what everyone was up to.

I loved Steve Irwin. I think he loved all wild life ... I wonder if he was vegetarian.
Fatman: For the first time I feel like you're a real Australian and not some smartass European wannabe. Warnie's shagging and Boonie's 52 beers are what real Aussie men talk about. In honour of Boonie, I am publishing the Aussie victory chant in my next comment.

Zuba: I'd settle for hoisting him upside down by his ankles, but I guess a stingray's options are more limited.

Kav: No it wouldn't. Human females are a bit too delicate for a gorilla, but the ones who don't shave their legs might get a second glance.

Trish: Spoken like a real woman.

Goth: Does Kylie have a tasty one then? Men who think pretty girls are tastier are probably deluding themselves.

Kara: Ray Mears is in the tree. He's probably not well known in your part of the world. He's a survivalist who might actually survive.

Mosha: Mearsy is an educator rather than a stunt man. Irwin would have shown his arse to the camera if he'd got a bite on it.

Jenny: Hi Jenny, I'm fine. Hope everything's well at work and at home. I'd be surprised if Irwin was a vegetarian. He did love wildlife, but was perhaps a little too physical in the way he expressed it.
AUSTRALIAN VICTORY CHANT, as performed by David Boon.

Beneath the Southern Cross I stand,
A sprig of wattle in my hand,
A native of my native land,
Australia you fucking beauty!

hell I'm the one who needs to be sexually assaulted...
I'm sure Kylie is truly scrummy and thankfully, living in Goth World being deluded is actually an asset

as for the chant, I thought it was going to be Sign of the Southern Cross - began to wonder if Sabbath were on tour
Monkeys are funny.
Ray Mears has been working as a penis wrangler- true.
Will do, GB.
I've moved locations but am still planning. not yet travelling properly.
But coconuts in the Congo? :-)
Ray Mears got some of his best recipes from me. My steamed gekko in pawpaw coulis was the talk of Accra.
i bet it was daphne.....(winks in lavicious way)
Ms Stiltwalker: That's a rash comment to be making around here.

Goth: I won't say a bad word about Kylie, but if she tasted that good we'd have heard about it by now.

Melissavina: And they're cheeky too.

Mutley: You resent him because he's a real man of Nature, unlike the little Englanders with their manicured hedgerows and fields.

Suzy: Coconuts, coffee, whatever takes your fancy.

Lady Daphne: You're the kind of woman that Ray likes, Milady. Classy and brassy.

Beast: If you're suggesting what I think you're suggesting I may have to challenge you to a duel.
Mr. GB.
As a gorilla, do you think you will ever evolve into a more intelligent species and say, invent the wheel for a second time, or perhaps even discover penicillin?
Did you know that monkeys (not Gorilla's) can poop 360 degree's. I used to work in a zoo and cleaning poo off the ceiling of their enclosure was not fun. Visualise if you will:

Me in green overalls. Broom held a loft. Another keeper hose sprays the poop to soften and loosen it. I scrape it with my broom. Poop slides down broom handle, onto my hand, down my arm (held upwards) into my overalls.

After work I go home on the bus stinking of poo as there are no showers at the zoo.

Lovely poo.

Anymore poo stories required let me know. I'm the poo expert.
Ms Creative Fossil.

I am the proud owner of a varnished and mounted turd, deposited by the late Queen Victoria whilst travelling on the Royal Train from London to Blackpool. It has shrunk somewhat in size but still displays some wonderful markings. The specimen is complimented by a solid mahogany base with a brass plate describing its authenticity. I treasure it and would never sell it.
The Congolese frogs give the dysenterie?? Fortunately that it was in shorts, if it had been in scaphandre!! Which nickname to it t had? Mister The Blob "I pleasing" A feast pantagruélique! With placement that it would be necessary to import in France, this is my grandmother that would be surprised? Hectares! Coconut alcohol that has surement to do a head ache! One has surement the impression that the hair push to the interior?? And to lower it curtain on
hindquarters leaves me blissful!

Admiration!! Mister, Gorilla
When in Sumatera, never turn your back on an orang-utan.
And my favourite Australian Chant is

This is the wattle,
Symbol of our land.
You can stick it in a bottle,
or you can hold it in your hand.

Austraylia Australiya Australia
We love you
Mr Ratty: The next rung on the evolutionary ladder for gorillas is Vulcan. We're leapfrogging the wheel and going straight to warp drive.

Ms Fossil: In the jungle, we gorillas get our monkey poo fresh from the trees. Look up Simoney in my blogroll for another female interested in poo.

Dip-Doc: The French must surely admire the hindquarters. Is not "Quelle Couture!" a favourite expression?

Man at the pub: Welcome. Thanks for the advice and the poetry. Do you prefer Fosters or Castlemaine XXXX?
Hi GB,
Thought we were meeting at the London Zoo a little later on.
Bet you're still handsome without the garlands. *grinning while trying my luck*
Crikey! you're a bit hard on Steve GB. There Were snakes as well as crocs and crocs and snakes and stuff! Give him a break!
Tough but fair, the ape clearly runs a tight ship.

With all this talk of shit (above), anyone heard of the term 'coprolalia' - I think it's amazing, and should be used more often.
All those food dishes, mmmmm tho such a shame that you didnt have any old Lesbian No6 to compliment your meal!

I wonder if Sir Beast's ancestors come from your neck of the woods?
Suzy: London Zoo would be fine as long as you don't mistake one of the resident gorillas for me.

Pi: He was good man, but his love of manhandling cold-blooded creatures led to his downfall.

Ms Tickles: Good word. I think it's a more common ailment than coprophilia.

Newforestandy: I'd like to find out what they put in Old Lesbian No6 first. Secretions from an old lesbian may not taste that good.
Many people eat the fish that killed Irwin, here in India.

I've posted a news-story about that at:
Dear gorilla bananas. Stevie did love the sting rays too. And orang utans...
Dear Gorilla Bananas. After reading your blog, I'm interested to know more about how female gorillas feel about human males. I've been dissatisfied with human females for quite some time. They don't hug tight enough, and they don't have enough body hair. I need a female with a strong, powerful embrace, who loves to hug and squeeze her male tightly in her arms. If I were to come to the Congo, do you think any of your powerful, hairy sisters would be interested in spending some time with me? Is there any one of them, in particular, you would recommend?
Hello She Ape Lover. I'm afraid a monogamous relationship with one of my females would be out of the question. Any man-booty would have to be divided equally between them, although they might be persuaded to take turns. All of them would be capable of squeezing you until the pips squeak, so you would not lack satisfaction in that regard.
Dear Gorilla Bananas: A HUGE thanks for getting back to me on this! I didn't know that female gorillas share males. I like the idea of being hugged and squeezed by a whole group of your powerful, hairy sisters. Could you do something for me? I would like you to talk to your females about me and explain my situation to them. Tell them that I'm a human male who is in need of some powerful hugs and squeezes. Let them know that if I make it to the Congo someday, I would love to let all of them take turns hugging and squeezing me "until the pips squeak", as you say. I would like to know how they would feel about me coming for a visit. As soon as you can get some feedback from your powerful, hairy sisters on this, could you let me know what they have to say? Thanks!
One more thing: Regarding your question about how I found my way here; I went on Google and typed in "female gorilla hugs man." I hope to hear from both you AND your powerful, hairy sisters soon! Thanks!
Dear GB: As far as me being a "little unhinged" is concerned, it's something I've had to accept about myself. I'm sure, however, that your good friend "Dickie Dawkins" could come up with a reasonably sound, scientific, evolutionary, biological, genetic hypothisis based upon hard empirical scientific evidence that would explain my apparent abnormal psycological/sexual obsession with powerful, hairy females. What do you think? Also, it would be interesting to see o'le "Dickie D." hosting a religious TV show, would,'t it? Great sense of humor GB!
How can a fellow of such corpulence be considered a survivor expert? Surely he could live off the fat of one leg, should the need arise?

I have to say, your description of the violation of Mears is riotous in the extreme. I see a children's book in this.

Thanks Kat. I'll leave you to write it! Mearsy is surprisingly fit for a podgy-looking fellow and an absolute master with his knife.
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