Wednesday, April 04, 2007

A trip to the zoo

Well I expect you’ve all heard about the new “Gorilla Kingdom” that’s opened in London Zoo. A few weeks ago I got a call from David Field, the zoo’s earnest director, imploring me to visit the place and give it my seal of approval.

“Mr Bananas, you’d be our guest of honour!” he enthused. “We’re telling everyone our gorillas will be happier in their new surroundings, but why should they believe us without your endorsement?”

“Very well, Field,” I replied. “I’ll be along shortly after it opens, but don’t tart up the place just for my visit. I know a Potemkin village when I see one and I’ll be chatting to the gorillas to make sure everything’s on the level.”

So I flew into London last weekend, and after a good night’s rest at Dr Whipsnade’s, strolled gently down to Regent’s Park. A park attendant escorted me to the gorilla enclosure and I interviewed the residents, one male and two females. They seemed satisfied with their new lodgings but expressed concerns about the watching humans. I reassured them that the encircling moat would prevent any of the hairless throng from harassing them. The moat is no barrier to a gorilla, of course, and I proved as much by leaping over it to leave the enclosure. I could scarcely believe the panic this provoked among the human onlookers.

“Help! Help! A gorilla’s escaped!” they cried. I’m sorry to say it was the men who ran the fastest and the farthest – no thought of women and children to the lifeboats for them. The children, indeed, seemed quite amused by the whole escapade, while the women took cover behind the fixtures and eyed me apprehensively. One or two winked, but I ignored them. The situation calmed down when I climbed on top of a tree stump and sat there impassively. As the humans warily returned, I gave them a stern lecture on the importance of maintaining one’s composure and setting a good example for the infants, rather than raising a hullabaloo whenever a gorilla jumps over a moat.

I returned to Field’s office without further incident and he immediately quizzed me about the report I would be making. “Did you see all the trees and plants we put in?” he asked excitedly. “Isn’t it just like a real gorilla habitat?”

“The quarters were satisfactory, Field, but the behaviour of the humans was not,” I replied. “Too many of them were wearing tea shirts with vulgar innuendos on them. You may think this doesn’t matter to gorillas who cannot read, but I assure you they notice the indecent smirks. In addition, many of the humans were sucking lozenges as they watched. This is unacceptable. Sucking while making eye-contact is extremely bad manners in gorilla society.”

Field promised that he would attend to these matters.

I decided to spend the rest of my time visiting the other animals. When I got to the Asian lions, I was surprised and delighted to bump into no less a personage than
Daphne Wayne-Bough, looking radiant in her haute couture pink jacket and skirt. She was in London to inspect one of her properties and was in a congenial mood after getting a favourable valuation. We took tea together in a nearby café, and in a fit of good humour she told me a great deal about her extraordinary life. Far more than I’m going to reveal here, but I’ll give you a flavour by divulging some remarks I made in reply to her anecdotes:

“To be honest, ma’am, I’ve never understood why ladies are attracted to these uncouth biker types.”

“He didn’t! I hope you struck him on the nose with your handbag!”

“A small price to pay, milady. Those photos could have caused untold aggravation if they fell into the wrong hands.”

After we’d finished, not only did Lady Daphne insist on paying the bill, but she extravagantly over-tipped the young Corsican waiter who had been exchanging words with her in French. He then hailed a taxi, opened the door for her, and she handed him a note before the taxi sped away. It all happened so quickly that I wondered if I’d been daydreaming.

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The female attraction to uncouth biker types is doubtless the same kind of perverse attraction that led to you being winked at, Bananas.
GB, you make me laugh and laugh and laugh! Your observations are always so cunning and your wit is delightful! In the animal kingdom, the female humans must be the most complex, mysterious, weird, dare I say, examples! ;-)
Loved your update GB, was at the edge of my seat as to how your visit went. But I wondered how the female who is 'like Kate Moss' is settling in?

Is she calling the males four letter words and filming home videos of a sing-song or is she behaving herself much better, seeing as she is a gorrilla?

Do tell...
After reading that tale, I believe that it was not your imagination playing tricks on you, but you were, as the saying goes, 'Crunk'.
I'd have winked ;)
Too many of them were wearing tea shirts with vulgar innuendos on them.

I concur with this observation. I once saw a colleged aged male at the airport whining about being rousted by customs. He had arrived from Jamaica wearing T-Shirt containing a portrait of Bob Marley firing up a bomber and the words, "Excuse me while I light my spliff."

kav: Women shouldn't assume that having a hairy body means I ride a motorbike.

Ivonne: I'm glad it made you laugh, dear. When a woman laughs you hear the animal within!

Miss Cheese: She's a cute piece of fluff. I told her to give me a call if the male still hasn't obliged her after a month.

Lord Milky: "Crunk"? Another new word, M'Lud! Good thing you're a peer, otherwise I might feel like an ignoramus. I'm a teetotal gorilla, in fact.

Sam: I'd have winked back if it were you, honey.

Randall: I was thinking of the ones with slogans like "I cunt spell" or "I'd shag me".
Ah London! Home of my fore father and my actual father!

I've yet to see the new enclosure in the Zoo but I will certainly make sure I'm not sucking anything when I do.

My boyfriend will be disapointed however.

He loves Lozenges.
They named one of the female gorillas Zaire and the other...Effie! Effie? Yes Effie! "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, marvel at the noble, majestic Zaire! And, um, that's Effie in the back.

If I were Effie I'd refuse my bananas in protest. Instead, for nourishment I would dine on raw zoo-keeper. Effie! Phthoo!
How funny that we both wrote about the zoo. Well, you wrote about the zoo...I mentioned the zoo. Though I rarely mention the zoo, so I still maintain that it is funny that we both mentioned the zoo. It's not mentioned nearly enough in society these days. We're trendsetters, you and I.
I'd have winked as well Mr B! It sounds like a grand day out! It is satisfying when ones expertise is recognised. Who says the internet is full of rubbish -let them read this and weep.
Ah...All the world's a zoo, And all the males and females merely animals...

(With due apologies to great-grand-uncle Bill...though I can't, for the life of me, understand why he decided to shake a pear(e)!)
hubba hubba, is that you in the pic? ; )
I forgot to mention earlier, that upon reading this, I was amazed that you didn't understand the French conversation.


I thought your upbringing was more cosmopolitan than that.

You're a very interesting person, Mr. Bananas.
Thought of going into zoo enclosure design consultancy?
Big bikkies!!! Or should I say big bunches of bananas.
I once lived among Primates when my space ship crashed in the future, its true what they say about them you know but don't we all have issues about that?
I too hate lozenge suckers , especially when they make eye contact.
I would not have run , I would have offered you one of Frobishers ready basted melons as a symbol of pan species friendship.
No body ever winks at me.....should i be worried about that ?
Oh GB..
if a picture could paint a 1000 words, you sure look so at home, with your uh...hmm..sensitive, pensive expression. (slight cough here!) I'll have to come visit you soon. And I promise not to wear a tee-shirt! :-)
Perhaps you should create a HumanZoo so that all the animals can come and gawp at us in our natural habitat
Freelance: I sense a new possible meaning for the word "lozenge".

Sam: You're right, but they don't use those names when talking amongst themselves.

Kara: What a coincidence reading about zoos in your blog! You'd be better than your sister because you have a funnier face.

Mutley: I hope you'd have sat beside me rather than winked, barking in agreement when I lectured the humans.

Sidhu: I've shaken a baboon but never a pear. It seems pretty futile, to be honest.

Maggs: No, it's another ape.

Randall: The problem is that French sounds very affected to a gorilla brought up in the rugged anglo-saxon tongue.

Princess Stef: As are you, Princess, as are you.

Zuba: I'm awash with bananas, so I usually do this sort of work pro bono.

Knudsen: You speak in riddles, Sir!

Beastie: You shouldn't worry if your tailor doesn't wink at you afer measuring your inside leg. But if you don't get a wink from your aunt after she gives you a sweetie you must have a serious character flaw.

Susan: Thank you so much, dearest, but the picture isn't of me. His name is Bobby. My features are a little more finely-chiselled (for a gorilla).

Mosha: They tried that in 2005! Here is the proof!
A funnier face? Well there went all my self-esteem. Out the window with a *poof*. That's the sound self-esteem makes when it escapes out the window. It's very similiar to the sound of a dying dream...just change a vowel.
Great tour & congratulations.
Did anyone think to invite SNOWFLAKE or KOKO?
I suppose that an albino or a Girlrilla who can sign is going to upstage everybody.

I apologise for the tiny testicles remark but I was raised in the wild by Bonobos and as you are well aware they don't have harems and are 'into' quantity not quality.

Someday our message of Make Love Not War may just catch on.
What do you really think of the new enclosure? Virginia Mckennas's son ? Travers was very scathing about the waste of money which he thought would have been better spent on conservation in Africa.
My features are a little more finely-chiselled (for a gorilla).

And a little more manly-chested too, no doubt for a Gorilla, that is
..actually GB, if you tell me what a nice girl like me wears in Congo, I could come looking THE part...tee-hee!
Didn't know you were in the country GB - I'd have invited you up the Institute for a spot of rambling in the glen. Dolores has been asking for a while if we might ever meet.
The London gorilla, seems less placid to me, than its Charentais counterpart, It should be said that to Palmyre close to at home! It hears some of all the colors? And the guards who are in fact of the "gardiennes", are there surely for something

Joyeuses Pâques
Kara: Haven't you learnt by now that funny is good?

Homo E: Bonobos are pleasant little apes, but sex must become like shaking hands when you do it as much as they do.

Pi: Well it's a big improvement on putting them in cages. Even gorillas need a bit of PR.

Susan: If you look half as sexy as you write the clothes won't matter. Maybe an Audrey Hepburn dress would be the right choice.

Dr Joe: We shall indeed have to meet. I believe I once spent some time in the locality where your agent lives.

Dip-Doc: The gorillas I met were mellow but maybe those in France are even mellower because of the incomparable French cuisine. Happy Easter to you and all.
LOL. You evoke memories of PG Wodehouse. Sheer genius.
I agree but the Travers family are always carping about something!
Happy Easter Day!
I thought the Congo Basin promoted nudity! Was hoping...Ha-Ha!
Do you happen to know what happened to the Krankies?
Cow Tse Tung: Many thanks, Cow. The debt to PGW is huge, as you noticed.

Pi: Hope you've had a nice one.

Susan: It's OK for humans, but we gorillas prefer to keep our coats on. I certainly wouldn't stop you from adopting local customs.

Mutley: The midget Scottish woman who pretended to be a schoolboy? I bet you loved that act. She never had me fooled.
GB- Most people, when confronted by one of the largest living primates known to man, will suddenly have so much adrenalin flowing through their system that they'd behave like an athlete whose body was coursing with tetrahydrogestrinone. I must admit that although my mind is fully aware that gorillas are gentle, fun-loving herbivores, in a similar situation I'd throw the nearest person towards the ape- be it a work colleague, girlfriend or nephew- and run for the hills.

Forgive me.
Fatman, I wish you had been there. I would have stopped you from running and made it look as if you had me in an arm lock. You would have been such a hero to all the girls!
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