Monday, April 09, 2007

Aladdin and the Genie

The story of Aladdin is a classic – one of those inspiring tales that revolves around its leading character. I refer, of course, to the Genie of the Lamp. An invincible demigod with the booming voice of Brian Blessed, the Genie is built like a gorilla and capable of almost any feat. Yet he is devoted – utterly devoted – to the service of whichever buck-toothed yokel happens to polish his door knocker while he’s taking a nap. I suspect he was the role model for that stick-in-the-arse butler played by Tony Hopkins in Remains of the Day.

As for Aladdin, he has all the makings of a shrewd little tyke until he sees the Princess Badroulbadour and falls for her like a skittle in a bowling alley. These pubescent princesses are always irresistible to the fairytale hero, but any man of the world knows that getting hitched to a teenage girl is a dicey business. Hopefully, in the fullness of time, she will ripen into a lissom yet curvaceous beauty. But what if she eats like a hog and swells into something resembling a sumo wrestler? Frankly, the whole thing is a game of Russian roulette.

The evolution of her personality bears thinking about as well. A man may find the sweet giggly maiden who won his heart mutate into a frightful old battleaxe who throws saucepans at his head. According to Dr Whipsnade, you should never consider proposing to a woman until she’s at least 23, so you have an idea of how things are developing. The querulous tone of her voice, the pudginess of her face and neck, the rate at which her bottom is expanding – these are the metrics that must be closely monitored.

Aladdin marries the princess, nevertheless, wowing her dad with basins of jewels, and the newlyweds move into a stupendous Genie-built palace. The golden boy is promoted to commander of the king’s armies, while his wife stays at home and bakes cookies. The princess maintains her figure and everything seems to be going well. Then along comes the tricky old wizard, offering new lamps for old, and mayhem ensues with much wailing and gnashing of teeth. When people blame the princess for this debacle, I always thump my chest in annoyance. One thing I can’t abide is unfair criticism of the housewife. How was she to know that the lamp was a weapon of mass destruction in the wrong hands? More to the point, why did that bonehead Aladdin leave it lying around the palace instead of locking it up in his safe?

In Aladdin’s position, I would have simply forbidden the Genie from ever returning to his brass bolthole. “Genie,” I would have said, “it’s time you moved out of the studio apartment and into family accommodation. You’ve been a bachelor for too many centuries. Give Barbara Eden a call, take her to the pictures and pop the question. Build yourself a little cottage in the palace grounds and settle down to raise a brood of little genies. Patrol the estate and keep the gophers in their holes. And if you happen to see a tricky old wizard lurking about suspiciously, kick him in the nuts and send him on his way.”

Although the Genie changes his loyalties far too easily, he does teach us that there’s no shame in being a domestic. Gorilla Bananas is not too proud to serve drinks in the bar of the safari camp. I don’t need the money, but I do it anyway for the dignity of honest toil. All that matters is that you work for people of good character who won’t involve you in immoral or unnatural acts. Don’t whore yourself to any seedy old reprobate just because he rubs your lamp.

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the lamp was a weapon of mass destruction

I see yer hidden message oh so clearly the war of terror has now been properly justified. If they had those lamps oh boy we did well.
Sure, to an extent, aren't we all genies these days? If you subsitute "lamp-rubbing" for "enough money to keep me here".
I had the Aladdin game on the Playstation once - I never finished it. He was Persian wasn't he?
"Yet he is devoted – utterly devoted – to the service of whichever buck-toothed yokel happens to polish his door knocker while he’s taking a nap."

Just like my husband, hahaha.

Okay, controlling myself now.
Why is it that involvement in immoral or unnatural acts and seedy old lamp rubbing , sounds more fun than the noble alternative ????
Who are we to criticize dependency relationships? Partnerships are nothing more than a trade-off - oral sex as thanks for opening a few jars, home-cooked dinners in return for a feel of a builder's bum ... all this equality guff is a load of baloney, men will never be equal to us girls.

Love the new Emirates stewardess uniform by the way.
The problem I have is that all too often I end up rubbing the wrong lamps only to find a buck-toothed yokel hanging on my every word. You just can't get the Genies these days...
If Aladdin had you as advisor he would have saved himself a lot of trouble.
Knudsen: The British should replace the Royal Navy with a lamp. That Genie would have plucked the hairs from the Iranian beards.

kav: But Aladdin's Genie had superhuman powers.

Frobisher: The Aladdin story was set in China but told by an Arab lass. It's a Chinese/Arab hybrid.

Ms Sparrow: You've got bucked teeth? I hear some men find that attractive.

Beast: Because the Lord has yet to open your eyes.

Lady Daphne: That's a bit cynical, milady. What of love and flowers and chocolate-covered locusts?

Miss Cheese: Poor angel! I feel sadness and affection for you in equal measure.

Saleeha: I'd rather have been the Genie's adviser. He was more like a gorilla.
Mr GB - I do doubt the veracity of the whole Genie/Lamp thing you know-perhaps some further research is in order?
"One thing I can’t abide is unfair criticism of the housewife"

I do love you, Nanas. Not everyone understands the housewife as you do.

I don't approve of genies. It's cheating. And you're never quite sure if that Disney one is wearing anything below the spout, as it were. It's hardly very professional.
While we are on the subject of Disney characters that I may have considered masturbating over (I'm talking about Princess Jasmine you sick, sick bastards), what about Lilo's sister from Lilo & Stitch. Apart from looking like she has been hit in the face with a shovel, she isn't half bad. She featured prominently in a window display on Main St. at Disneyland last year and like a fool I had left the camera at home. Typical...
Enquiring minds want to know, is there or has there ever been a gorilla version of the genie in a bottle?
Has anyone rubbed against a particular bit of bamboo or something and 'poof' out came a simian genie?
Despite all of his apparent generosity, the genie's main aim appears to be to flog millions of sweat-shop built plastic models of himself so that he can line the interior of his lamp with jewels and gold taps...
I am in near-total agreement with your teenage girl theory.

It is a brave soul who risks shackling him/herself to youthfull flesh in spite of the potential for the unknown.


The age of 23 seems a little too specific for my liking, and I have founs through my own experimentation that mutation can still occur later in the development cycle, albeit at a significantly reduced rate.
Never trust a man with no nipples. That is what my father said to me.
Seeing as Disney is well known for its historical accuracy in such matters, I can only assume that the teatless Aladdin was a villain. Disgusting.
Does it work the other way too? Christina Aquilera had a genie in a bottle and I'm sure rubbing her would do it for me.....
Eddie Waring:
I used to go out with Lilo's sister, she was a cutout from a cinema promotional board. All was hunky dory for many weeks untill the time I took her out for a meal at a mexican restaurant. Halfway through the meal she farted and flew out the window; I never saw her again after that.
Lord Milky's right! Aladdin has no nipples!

I take issue with Mr. Mosha-God. The Problem Husband shackled himself to me when I was 21 and regularly tells me I'm as lovely to him now as the day we met. Then I release my grip and he scampers off, whimpering all the while about how he's so glad I didn't morph into a hideous, unnatural Gorgon of a woman. In this way we get along famously.
Every time I look Aladdin now, all I don't see are his nipples. It's freaky!
I'll drink to that! As for teenage girls - look at her mother- that will give you a clue. I wonder if Genies are eunuchs? Certainly TA Tony Hopkins behaved like one in 'Remains of the Day'
...that stick-in-the-arse butler played by Tony Hopkins in Remains of the Day

- I just watched that for the first time this weekend in a sleep-deprived stupor! It's like...we're living the same life or some junk!
Mutley: Didn't you ever watch I dream of Jeanie? Seeing is believing.

Sam: I thought you'd like that sentence. And you've already shown us that you're the slimmest of housewives.

Eddie Waring: Princess Jasmine is a Disney invention. Aladdin's wife was called Badroulbadour. You've been wanking over a mirage.

Zuba: No gorilla would stay cooped up in a bottle for centuries. Gorillas never make 'poof' noises either.

Mosha: After seeing his fiance after several years, the Iron Duke said "She's grown damned ugly, by God!", but still married her.

Lord Milky: Quite. A man who's incapable of having his nipples clamped is a bounder.

Goth: Taking the idea to it's logical conclusion, why not invite the genie to live inside your dick? Think of all the handjobs you'd get.

Ron Knee: I don't know who she is, but she's either very light or one hell of a farter.

Pi: Their voices are too deep to be eunuchs. I think they've just got a slave fetish.

Kara: So what's the verdict on the butler, Missy? Was it iron self-control or no balls?
It was too much LSD in the 20s.
Who's Barbara Eden? Sorry, I just saw '300' think I need a brain transplant now...
Aladdin has so much potential as an 18th century stye bodice ripper.
just re-acquainting myself with your lofty writings, my good GB, as fun, informative & thought-provoking as ever. I personally think the genie was compensating for something ~ you know, ~THE POWERS OF THE UNIVERSE ~ itty bitty.... well, the Disney version is : *living space*. :-D
I only said that I may have considered wanking over her. And it wasn't a mirage, my daughter got her picture taken with Aladdin and Jasmine at Disneyland.

Maybe we should call her Princess Jizm from now on?
But what If someone I like rubs my lamp? Can I still keep serving them? Even if someone else rubbed just yesterday?
Aladdin, as is well known, was having a May to December affair with the Widow Twanky whilst romancing the Princess. As an older widder woman myself I am happy to help any young men of oriental (or other) persuasion find their nipples.
The janitor at my school used to make me rub his lamp and promised me a wish-granting genie would come. The genie never came but he...never mind.

The problem with films like Aladdin is that, for most of the film, it promotes slavery. Yes, just like the kindly old plantation owner, Aladdin does get along with his hired help. But the Genie is still the slave here and passes the time by talking in "hip" lingo and singing. Such a musical bunch or people.

Ghost of Tikkles- I also recently saw 300. It makes learning history fun and reinforces something my grandma always told me. And that is: never trust a misshapen hunchback.
Frankly, I think that genie is a fraud - all he really wants is to be rubbed up - or out. The wish-granting lark is merely a ploy for a bit of feelgood.
"Don’t whore yourself to any seedy old reprobate just because he rubs your lamp." There's a lot to be said for folk who know how to rub one up the right way - they are so few and far between - so with rose coloured specs the seedy old reprobate could look like a dashing adonis.
Nearly the logical conclusion - you could also find a woman with no arms (coo seems like a bit of armless fun) and she would have to rub the Genie out another way....
Goth, with her feet perhaps?
Your advice re: seedy old reprobates comes too late for me. You young things out there, listen to your uncle Bananas, he knows what he is talking about.

Tickles: Barbara Eden was the genie in the picture. She wanted to marry an astronaut.

gigshak: Maybe, although there aren't many busty women in the script.

Ms Red: Welcome back, Ms Red. He may have been compensating for his lack of body hair. Look at his bald chest!

Eddie Waring: Somehow, Princess Jizm suggests a more full-bodied lady.

Freelance: Rise above your personal likes and dislikes and judge the character of the rubber.

Lady Daphne: Would you say, on the whole, that women tend to neglect a man's nipples?

Fatman: Your hour is approaching, my friend. I've pencilled in your story for this Friday. As for the Genie, he's too powerful to be a real slave. He just likes giving service.

Atyllah: I understand him. If you're that powerful, you become curious about what it's like to have a master.

Shebah: Rubbing is quite an art, isn't it? Some lamps like it clockwise, others like it anti-clockwise.

Goth and Queenie: With her thighs would be warmer, but Goth doesn't sound like a thigh man.

Bookmistress: It's never too late to repent, ma'am! A gorilla gives you absolution with a friendly pat on the rump.
I have always wanted to marry into money and power, regardless of the woman. Even if she grows into a toad, no amount of ugly can ruin my wealth. Of course, I would have to be concerned about possible uprisings and/or military coups, in which my head might be separated from my neck, or my brains stirred by a bullet to the back of the skull. That is why I would want a general to lead my armies that is of tremendous strength, with a quick wit and a loyal heart. A man or a gorilla, I should say. Therefore, if I happen to marry a princess, I will contact you regarding your knowledge of military strategy. Your compensation would be handsome, I assure you.
Goth and Queenie? I dare not lift up her seventeen layer dress to show her ankles, let alone her thighs. What would the Gorilla Book of Etiquette suggest?
You've been wanking over a mirage.

The Harrier Jump Jet is a lot more sexy.
Ah yes, GB, clockwise in the Northern Hemisphere, anti clockwise in the Southern, but what do those genies on the equator do?
And if the géni was at the feminine one, Aladin would have been called Aladine! which would have been the wishes?
My 14 year old daughter Casile's opening night was tonight for her highschool's production of Aladdin. I'm likin' it!
Chris V: That's a generous offer, but where I come from we still use coconuts for artillery.

Goth: Make eye contact. If her eyes moisten, the thighs will follow.

Knudsen: And it can move vertically as well as horizontally.

Dip Dock: If the genie were female, Aladdin would be Larry Hagman.

Nakedpastor: I hope she achieves stardom while retaining her modesty and piety.
The Genie reminds me of bureaucrats in a democracy.
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