Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Monica Lewinsky: the girl who blew her chance

It’s funny how Monica Lewinsky has faded from the limelight. A lot of people didn’t like her, but I always felt a surge of sympathy when I contemplated the misadventures of that sweet-faced young lady. Such is the nature of the simian soul. Were we ever to meet, I dare say that she would be Mary Magdalene to my Jesus Christ. Yes, it would give me great satisfaction to gaze compassionately into her repentant eyes and forgive her sins. I wouldn’t ask her to kneel, of course – that might bring back unfortunate memories.

In this day and age, mind you, her sins were pretty venial. All she really did was fancy the wrong bloke at the wrong time. Those who condemn her for kissing-and-telling forget that she was treacherously exposed by the vile Linda Tripp, a fatter and more obnoxious sneak than Billy Bunter. Haunted by the knowledge of that betrayal, it’s not surprising that Monica confessed all under interrogation. The threats of the Special Persecutor and his federally-sanctioned anal probe were just too much for her. Even Hillary must have known, in her heart of hearts, that Monica was far from being a full-blown sinner – that honour, indeed, belonged entirely to Mr Clinton.

We gorillas nodded sagely when the saga of Bill and Monica broke. This sort of thing happens all the time in the jungle. The dominant silverback, busy with bush politics and day-to-day decision-making, often employs a few young females to bring him snacks and show visitors to the waiting area. These females are naturally in awe of the Big Hairy Chief and normally try to avoid distracting him. But now and again, an audacious young temptress catches the boss’s eye by wiggling her rump suggestively at an opportune moment. If she happens to be in season, one thing rapidly leads to another, and before you know it the cheeky little madam is carrying the alpha’s child.

This brings us to an aspect of the Lewinsky scandal which gorillas find puzzling. It seems that Monica was so eager to offer gratification that she neglected to think of her own strategic interests. Having the baby of the commander-in-chief would have surely been a sound long-term investment, resulting in generous maintenance payments and a continuing media profile. After obliging Mr Clinton a few times, a shrewder girl than Monica would have left the knee pads at home and presented herself passively on the desk in the Oval Office. If Slick Willy had asked for normal service, she might have responded as follows:

“Oh no, Mr President, it’s time for you to perform! I’m through with washing your hickory juice out of my hair! From now on the jam gets squirted inside the doughnut!”

Had Monica been impregnated, I feel she would have behaved with greater composure after the affair had ended. The prospect of motherhood often brings out the practical side of a woman. Taking solace from the generous financial settlement, there would have been no need to confide in the insidious Ms Tripp. I suspect that Monica’s failure to insist on proper consummation stemmed from her lack of self-esteem as much as anything. She really seemed to believe that a semen stain on a dress was all she deserved for the privilege of pouting on the presidential appendage. Sadly, it’s often girls from the best families who fall for rascals of the “treat ‘em mean to keep ‘em keen” persuasion. I fear for these young ladies – what they really need is an avuncular pastor who might inspire them to loftier ambitions and worthier deeds.

Of all the gorilla beringei I've come across you are by far the wisest. Have you ever considered becoming an avuncular pongidae pastor?
“Oh no, Mr President, it’s time for you to perform! I’m through with washing your hickory juice out of my hair! From now on the jam gets squirted inside the doughnut!”

Great quote, GB. You have an uncanny ear for dialogue, and for West Coast JAP slang! It breathes authenticity!

Can't fault your main premise, either. What fun that would've been. Especially in '08. "Hey Hillary - where's [insert name here]?" Some charity organisation was handing out white ribbons at an event Hillary was due at, so by the time she arrived all she could see was a mass of women with white marks over their left breasts. She turned tail and ran. Maybe it's a sore point still with her, do you think?
Always better for a girl to have a bit of tangible evidence! Shame she didn't have a wise advisor like your goodself, GB - she might have had a good looking little Clintonite. That would have been one up on Hilary!
Kieran, that's more or less what I was in my circus days. Have a look at the New Year's Day post if you don't believe me.

Tarzan, I believe the Hickory is an American hardwood.

Ivan, Hillary could have turned it to her advantage by offering to be a loving stepmom, but somehow I don't think she would have.

Shebah, the Clinton cub would have been 9 this year! How time flies!
In North America hickory wood is often used to smoke sausages. The process is dirty but the result is delicious, I'm told.
A pregnant Monica would have gone the same way as Marilyn. And Diana. If you ask me she got off lightly, just losing her job. Ever wondered why nobody's heard anything from her since that business? She's hiding out somewhere with Diana's bodyguard, they won't talk - EVER. They can't.

Sorry I've been rather silent myself GB, couldn't access anything post Paris Hilton, usual problem. PI has now solved it - you just hit "refresh" or "reload" depending on what system you have, and it all comes bouncing back! Huzzah! I missed you, Fluffy.
Welcome back, ma'am. Just in time to hear delicious Sam talk dirty.

I miss Monica's absent child. Just imagine it making rude faces at the paparazzi. I like human children.
"I like human children."

Yes, but could you eat a whole one?
The best blog post title since your own The joy of shitting.
Thanks Footie, you've always been partial to a good pun.

Not without getting sick, Ms Sparrow.
Are you going to the party?
Are you going to the Boston Tea Party?

Redcoats in the village
There's fighting in the streets
The Indians and the
mountain men, well
They are talking when they meet
The king has said he's gonna put a tax on tea
And that's the reason you all Americans drink coffee

Are you going to the party?
Are you going to the Boston Tea Party?
Yes! If you have any technical problems just come to me.
Ah...but Monica is now back in the news. The Republicans love her!
Jesus, it was sad. That she was dumb enough to talk to L. Tripp about it still blows my mind. I'm glad Clinton didn't screw her, and even worse yet, have issue!

I didn't think it was such a big deal, but his enemies sure loved it.
monica, did you send papadizi a love letter? because he said you did.
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