Friday, October 14, 2005

The most evil human award

A correspondent tells me that my posts are unbalanced. Too much yin and not enough yang – or maybe it’s the other way around. Anyway, he has a point. I shouldn’t publish post after post about great humans without exploring the dark side of the naked ape. Otherwise my human readers might get complacent, which would do them no favours.

So after much thought, I have compiled the following short-list for the ignoble title of “Most Evil Human That Ever Lived” (MEHTEL):

[] Adolf Hitler, dictator of Nazi Germany

[] Joseph Stalin, dictator of the Soviet Union

[] Captain Black, Mysteron agent

Now some may argue that Hitler and Stalin are in a league of their own because of the millions they killed. This oversimplifies a complex reality. Hitler and Stalin couldn’t personally have killed millions of people. One should rather say that they and their supporters killed millions of people. So when it comes to assigning guilt, the foolish humans who followed these dictators and elevated them to the status of living gods must share the blame. The responsibility for the millions who died must be divided fairly amongst the millions who helped to kill them.

Once these facts are understood, it becomes apparent that Hitler and Stalin were morally not much worse than a gangster like Al Capone, even though the damage done by Scarface was insignificant by comparison. Like Hitler and Stalin, Capone and his gang also killed those whom they considered enemies. Now just suppose that in addition to being a gangster, Capone had been a brilliant orator with a seductive political philosophy who had lived in a lawless country thirsting for a strongman to put the house in order. Don’t you think that millions of people would have flocked to his banner? Don’t you think that he and his followers would have exterminated their perceived enemies just as ruthlessly as Hitler and Stalin?

We need to examine these issues carefully before making snap moral judgments about Hitler and Stalin.

Now let’s turn to Captain Black. In one important respect, he was much worse than the dictators. For unlike Hitler and Stalin, Captain Black was a traitor – and a traitor to the entire human race, not just to a particular nation. And not content with being an agent of menacingly hostile aliens from Mars, he had the nerve to retain the uniform and rank of an officer of
Spectrum! The barefaced cheek of the man! Even Kim Philby had the decency to assume the rank of a KGB colonel on defecting to the Soviet Union.

Some may argue that Captain Black doesn’t belong on the list because of the low number of casualties he inflicted, but this would be a total misunderstanding of the Mysteron approach to warfare. Their strategy is to probe the enemy carefully, sending their agents to prowl about spookily in alleyways, treading on any stray cats that get in the way, until they have amassed enough intelligence. They will then launch a massive, overwhelming attack that delivers a knock-out blow from which there is no hope of recovery or retaliation. The entire human race will go phut in a single afternoon, leaving the Earth empty for colonization from Mars. Any resistance from that point onward would have to come from the animals, which is not a prospect I would relish. This
clip, which may distress cat lovers, gives a taste of their vile treachery.

Well, I‘ve had my say on the candidates for the title of MEHTEL, and as you can see I have my own biases and preferences. I throw it open to the floor for debate.

In the new series, Tarzan (where Lieutnant green has breasts), Captain Black gets into deep conversation with Captain Scarlet.

However, the important point that you have missed, GB, is that Captain Black is not a human. He's a mysteron agent who has assumed the image of Captain Black. The original was destroyed. He may look like a human and sound like a human, and indeed have all the memories of that human, but I'm afraid he'll have to be ruled out.

Can I suggest you replace him with James Bond who has been responsible for killing no end of innocent factory workers and security guards whenever he blows up the "villain's" lair.
Mr G Bananas. It is a mystery to me how you, an ape, (no offence) under the tutelage of Whipsnade, end up with a classically trained mind, and yet although my parents spent a considerable fortune on our education, I can’t describe the weather outside the window. I am looking forward to expounding on this Hitler-Stalin-Captain Black comparison tonight in the front bar. Gee everyone up a bit.
Kim nearly had me swayed, but Mynah Bird’s view has a certain verisimilitude.
I hate to say it Mynah Bird, but Kim is right. If you go to and fart around a bit until you find the personnel stuff, you will find that Captain Black is a replicated mysteron agent and there is a warning that clearly states "THIS IS NOT CAPTAIN BLACK".

James Bond it has to be then!
What of the puppeteer...
He who pulls the strings of the evil is more evil than the evil, evil I guess.
Holy shit, that was completely incoherant. My apologies.

Honestly, I don't recall this show all that much. These marrionettes seem to have dashing fashion sense, and I'm truly anamored of their "Spectrum" logo, although the name would indicate a rainbow design. I'm willing to forgive that if you are.
It was a British show, SafeT, so you may never have seen it. Maybe you were fooled by the American accent on the clip I linked. There was another British show of the same genre called 'Thunderbirds' where most of the characters were American as well. It had a character called Brains who was like a stammering Bill Gates.
Thunderbirds was syndicated here, and I owned several of the toys.

ANyway, I've been doing a lot of thinking on your original premise and the justification behind promoting this fellow as worse than various evil dictators.
I don't buy it. He's worse because he is a traitor? history is full of traitors, many of which aren't even handsome marionettes. What of serial killers? They may not be responsible for the sheer bulk quantity of dead bodies as the dictator types, but they make up for it with a personal touch.
Capt Black was a traitor to ALL earth creatures SafeT. But you may have a point about serial killers. I have a theory about how to identify these sadists before they strike, which I shall reveal presently.
What would a vegetarian simian such as yourself know of sadism?
I couldn't possibly take a mysteron agent seriously, Mr Bananas. Why, their fatal mistake is to announce AHEAD OF TIME what they are going to do, where and how. Anyone wishing to take over the planet knows the element of surprise is crucial in demoralising the enemy. You just don't give the rainbow-folk at Cloudbase Central the chance to rally their colour-coordinated troops, avec Angelic fighter pilots. It's not done.

Stupidity bleaches out all evil, I'm afraid, and makes Cap'n Black a joke.

No, the evillest of all evil human beans is 'Dr' Gilian McKeith.

Look upon her works and despair.
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