Wednesday, November 26, 2014
A bull is saved
A gay Irish bull called Benjy has been saved from the abattoir. Good news like this doesn’t come along every day, so I’m making the most of it by clapping my hands and singing Hallelujah. The bull had been sent to a stud farm to impregnate cows, but unlike the cowboys in Brokeback Mountain he refused to act like a regular gun-slinging dude. Instead, he flirted outrageously with his fellow bulls, which did not impress the owner of the establishment. Realising that Benjy was a dud stud, he booked an appointment with a slaughterhouse to change him into a hunk of meat more lifeless than Channing Tatum.
Fortunately for Benjy, news of his impending butchery was reported to the press and reached the ears of Sam Simon, co-creator of The Simpsons. This soft-hearted cartoonist put his cash on the line to save the bull from a fate worse than butt sex. Maybe Benjy reminded him of Smithers, the gay manservant of Mr Burns who served his boss so devotedly. Whatever the subtext, the bull was spared and sent to a sanctuary in England, where he now mingles freely with other gay beasts.
Beef-eating carnivores should be especially pleased with this outcome. They can now tuck into burgers and steaks without worrying about whether they are feasting on the flesh of a gay martyr. If I were the CEO of McDonalds, I would guarantee that none of the meat served under the golden arches came from animals that were killed because of their sexual orientation or political beliefs. People who eat hamburgers have a right to know that the beef they are chewing comes from dumb livestock too reactionary to adopt minority lifestyles. Customers of the fast food industry shouldn’t be expected to navigate such political minefields.
One way of preventing this kind of persecution is to adopt sexual practices that transcend the gay/straight divide. A hermaphrodite sea slug that lives in the Pacific Ocean is provoking much wonder among Japanese scientists. Lacking fluency in Japanese, the BBC asked a museum curator called Bernard Picton to explain its mating habits:
“The penis from one fits into the female opening of the other one, and the penis from that one fits into the female opening of the first one, if you see what I mean,” he said. “I haven't seen anything like this before,” he added.
The most fascinating thing of all about this creature is that its penis is disposable. It discards it after mating and grows another one when the need arises, avoiding the burden of carrying useless baggage.
Humans often boast about how inventive they are, but they have never matched the sexual ingenuity of this sea slug. I suppose lesbians who wear strap-ons have come quite close, but even they would admit that attaching a plastic phallus to your loins isn’t quite as good as growing a real one. I hope this story will make humans humble as the Christmas season approaches. Those who recognise their own limitations will have more compassion for gay bulls and other oppressed fauna.
Labels: bulls, gays, lesbian, sea-slug, Smithers, strap-on
