Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Raunchy in Rio
Justin Bieber is getting naughtier and naughtier. The randy rapscallion was seen leaving a bawdy house in Rio with two courtesans in tow. His attempt to disguise himself by putting a sheet over his head was not successful. The paparazzi identified him by the tattoo on his wrist and the boner in his pants.
How will the Beliebers react to their idol’s latest escapade? I hope they forgive him. What Justin did was much better than having sex with a groupie, who might have tricked him into impregnating her. Something about Bieber tells me he’s not quite ready for fatherhood. The hair on his body isn’t quite bushy enough.
I’m not sure why he needed two escorts, though. When I asked the manager of the safari camp, he said:
“Bieber wants people to think he’s a real stud – a Texas Ranger who rides with a spare horse that he’ll jump on when the first one tires. He doesn’t fool me. I reckon he wanted the whores to treat him like a slave boy, stripping him naked and haggling over his body while they inspected it.”
Could this be true? It sounds like a service provided by prostitutes who’ve been to drama school, to say nothing of a stint in a livestock market. Who really knows what happened? We can speculate until the cows stop farting, but it isn’t even certain that deeds of a sexual nature occurred. Maybe Bieber just wanted to have a pillow fight with the girls because he thought they’d be easy to beat. I hope they went easy on him.
If you ask me, what Justin needs is a surrogate big sister – someone who’ll be his chaperone and only let him consort with harlots of good character. I can’t think of a better person for the job than Lady Gaga. Don’t be fooled by her brazen antics, which are only for show, to keep her in the limelight while upstaging her rivals and confounding her critics. If you want to make a name for yourself in show business, you’ve got to be outrageous and keep pushing the envelope. I did many extravagant things during my circus career, but does that make me a bounder? “Mais non!” as a Frenchman would say.
In a recent BBC interview, Lady Gaga said “I don’t find myself sexy”. It's an admirably modest statement, which proves she's unusually free of narcissism for a diva of popular music. It would also be the perfect riposte to anyone who told her to go and fuck herself. For this reason alone, it deserves to be added to the Book of Famous Quotations, if such a book exists.
You can see what Gaga is really like by the way she treats her poodle Fozzi. Never has a dog profited so much from the human mothering instinct. If Bieber were delivered into her custody, we’d see a very different young man emerge. One that was fully house-trained, like Fozzi, and wouldn’t visit whorehouses in front of the world’s press.
Labels: brothels, Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, poodle, prostitutes
