Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Bieber sex tape
Someone is trying to make a killing by selling a “sex tape” of Justin Bieber to the highest bidder. I wouldn’t give a nit in my arse for it. It seems that Bieber was secretly filmed showering Australian strippers with cash before spanking their bottoms and licking their nipples. That’s barely even embarrassing compared with his other recent exploits. What Bieber should do now is re-enact the incident and put a video of it on You Tube. This would make the illicit tape worthless and earn him respect for taking a stand against immoral profiteering. No one should make a fast buck just because Bieber cavorted with strippers. No one apart from the strippers, that is.
Bieber has been criticised for his conduct by a media insider called Bonnie Fuller, writing in the tone of a big sister scolding her errant baby brother. The gist of her argument is that spanking and licking strippers is sexist behaviour that degrades Bieber’s female fans. I’d like to hear the strippers’ side of the story before endorsing this opinion. They might have enjoyed the acts for which they were so handsomely compensated. There’s no point complaining about sexism if everyone is having fun – it just makes you look like a killjoy.
Ms Fuller also advises Justin to remember his courtship of Selina Gomez, a girl he was supposedly in love with. What good would that do? He probably regrets not licking and spanking her when he had the chance. You can’t turn back the clock and expect Justin to behave like the puppy-loving boy he was before he got jilted. The most romantic thing he would do now is launch a raid on the Playboy mansion and steal Hef’s floozies. It’s a mission of mercy that would have my full support.
What these well-meaning critics don’t understand is that Bieber’s brain is currently located in his pants. Maybe it will return to his head in due course – or maybe he’ll become another Bill Clinton. It has recently been alleged that the ex-president had an affair with Liz Hurley during his White House days. He has wisely refrained from denying the rumour, which would have been taken as proof of its truth. I wonder if Bill also had a heart-breaking adolescent love affair before he began his long career of shagging anything in a skirt. He and Bieber could then establish a man-whore support group for former jilted teenagers.
Romance may be dead for Justin and Bill, but it lives on inside the English kitchen. I refer to the case of Donna Musk, a 45-year-old Leicestershire woman who refused to cook a potato because it was shaped like a heart. It seems she wants to preserve it as some kind of love token from the god of the root vegetable.
“It's upstairs in my bedroom sitting on a pillow,” she revealed. “I don't know how long they last for but I'm keeping it really dry.”
Happy Valentine’s Day, Donna, but don’t expect your spud to turn into a stud.
Labels: Justin Bieber, man-whore, potato, sexism, Valentine's Day
