Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Nuptial news
"She brings a bright light to everything she is involved in and I am so delighted at her happy news," said the chief executive.
The danger for George is that she reserves her smiley face for work while lashing out like a scorpion at home. The woman who must be courteous and congenial in her professional life is all the more likely to box her husband’s ears.
Call me a soft-hearted ape, but I now feel sorry for Clooney’s ex-girlfriends, who were led to believe that George would never marry because of “commitment issues” or whatever. Now they know the truth: he thought they were too stupid to be his wife. These spurned spinsters must be feeling like airheads and bimbos, so I’ve sent an email to my mentor Dr Whipsnade, suggesting that he holds a summer school for them. Attending the good doctor’s seminars in philosophy, gastronomy and coquettery should help to restore their intellectual self-confidence.
Clooney’s fiancé comes from a small, middle-eastern sect called the Druze, who normally only marry within their community. George has reacted furiously to media reports that his prospective mother-in-law disapproves of the marriage on religious grounds:
“It’s a completely fabricated story!” he wailed, and went on to accuse the offending newspaper of “inciting violence” by “exploiting religious differences where none exist”.
The laddie doth protest too much, methinks. A statement from Mother Alamuddin herself would have scotched the rumour more conclusively, but I suppose the cat got her tongue.
It’s not the end of the world if George’s mother-in-law doesn’t approve of him anyway. He’ll be in the same boat as millions of other men, who manage to cope with the problem without provoking a deadly blood feud. If I were George, I’d try buttering her up with flattery and expensive gifts. If that didn’t work, I’d tell her to fly off on her broomstick. He shouldn’t say that if she really is a witch, of course. Many might be amused to see Clooney turned into a frog, but it would limit his acting roles to nature documentaries and romantic comedies with Kermit and Miss Piggy.
Perhaps George should have hired a committee of “relationship experts” to find him a bride. This is the concept behind a new reality TV show, where marriages are arranged for couples who agree not to see each other until their wedding day.
As a gorilla, I have a lot of admiration for this idea, but there is one fatal flaw: it is impossible to be sure that Human A will be sexually attracted to Human B before they have actually met. This has already led to one unlucky candidate feeling terribly let down after getting a husband she didn’t fancy. Is there a solution? I would allow them to sniff each other’s underwear before pairing them off.
Labels: arranged marriages, George Clooney, marriage, mothers-in-law
