Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Hairy Potter
Does anyone feel sorry for Daniel Radcliffe, the Harry Potter actor? Okay he’s a millionaire, but millionaires can suffer. Do they not bleed if you prick them and smart if you tweak their noses?
When he was a child, he was an idol for millions of pubescent girls who dreamt of being his wizardess, to say nothing of countless full-bosomed women who yearned to smother his head. But those days are gone. Growing up, for Daniel, has been a painful transition from fresh-faced and boyish to bushy-eyebrowed and gnomish. Money is no antidote to the ravages of time.
Daniel is putting a brave face on his metamorphosis. He has starred in a handful of non-Potter movies, which were well received, although few people have seen them. And he recently informed Elle magazine that he’s taken to sex like a squirrel to nuts:
“I'm one of the few people who seem to have had a really good first time,” he said. “I'm happy to say I've had a lot better sex since then.”
Reading between the lines, you can see that he’s immensely proud of his copulatory deeds. His well-wishers should be pleased that he’s added to his toolbox since his Harry Potter days. However, most of his groupies still think of him as the former boy wizard. The actress Jennifer Lawrence, a girlhood fan of Harry Potter, admitted to screaming in excitement when she saw Daniel. Her enthusiasm fizzled out after they met, so a scream is probably all he got out of her.
Is Daniel wise to extend his acting career into adulthood? Maybe he should have followed in the footsteps of Shirley Temple, who became an ambassador. He would have certainly gone down well as Her Majesty’s emissary to the Congo. Wizards are feared and respected over here, and his face resembles a native species of owl. The local women would have shaken their booties at him before presenting him with a tribute of small rodents. He might well have become a celebrated figure of international diplomacy – “The Owl of Brazzaville”, we would have called him.
A career in entertainment is an unpredictable journey – some artistes are destined to be child stars who go no further, whereas others continue to perform in old age. I was delighted to hear that my friend Joan Rivers, whom we gorillas revere as a Great Earth Mother, recently officiated an impromptu gay wedding ceremony. Although marrying people isn’t technically show business, anything involving Mother Joan is bound to be a stand-up routine.
“It’s been so long since I had sex I’ve forgotten who ties up who!” she quipped.
When I told the manager of the safari camp about this auspicious event, he said:
“I never knew she was a fag hag.”
“Not a fag hag, but a fag yenta,” I corrected him.
The manager is too ignorant to know the correct term for a Jewish woman who marries a gay couple. He is lucky to be acquainted with a learned gorilla who can educate him.
Labels: Daniel Radcliffe, Harry Potter, Jennifer Lawrence, Joan Rivers
