Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Silly love songs
Paul McCartney has admitted he was too scared to tell his attractive wife that he loved her. Now why would he fear saying that, unless perhaps it wasn’t true? Some women can tell when their husbands are lying as easily as if their noses were growing longer like Pinocchio’s. Female intuition is a more powerful truth serum than sodium pentothal or a kick in the balls. But if Paul doesn’t love her, why would he have married her? That can’t be the cause of his anxiety.
Maybe the source of his fear is financial. When a rich man tells a woman he loves her, his wallet trembles in anticipation. Money can’t buy you love, but love can lose you money, as Paul discovered when he divorced Heather Mills. Was he worried that opening his heart to Nancy might have encouraged her to ask for Tahiti as a Christmas present? No, that can’t be right, the woman is flush herself. If she asked for Tahiti, he could have asked for Bermuda.
In pursuit of an explanation, I phoned Smacker Ramrod, my old circus buddy, who’s been happily married for a decade or so.
“I know exactly how he feels,” he said. “You never know how a woman will react the first time you tell her you love her. My own dear spouse giggled like Scooby Doo before punching me in the face. I had a black eye for a week.”
“That’s a heart-warming anecdote, Smacker.” I remarked. “I shall tell it to my females as proof of the close genetic bond we have with our human cousins.”
Of course, it’s a complete myth that humans invented love. Birds of all species can be incredibly jealous lovers, as anyone who’s flirted with an ostrich knows. I never even smile at an ostrich hen for fear of getting my arse pecked by her mate. Not even among the primates do humans reign supreme in the amorous arts. Our mutual cousins, the bonobos, have fascinated biologists for years with their touchy-feely behaviour and public displays of affection. They are also extremely generous in providing sympathy sex, which is not something humans will do without a lot of play-acting and chicanery.
Another celebrity who’s been having issues with the L-word is Khloe Kardashian, whose marriage appears to be floundering. I suppose it was only a matter of time before the shaven-headed brute she got hitched to fell out of love with her bubble butt. Rather than consult a divorce lawyer, she is seeking solace among her twitter followers, to whom she tweeted the following message:
“I crave a love so deep the ocean would be jealous.”
Poor deluded girl! A love that deep would be full of shipwrecks, sharks and creatures that squirted black ink in her face. My advice to Khloe is to stop tweeting and have some sympathy sex with a good-natured rake like Russell Brand. He may not be as affectionate as a bonobo, but I doubt he’ll expect her to eat his body parasites.
Labels: Khloe Kardashian, Paul McCartney, Russell Brand, sympathy sex
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Actually, I'm willing to bet Russell is game.
To expecting her to eat his body parasites, that is.
Pearl
To expecting her to eat his body parasites, that is.
Pearl
It's all clear now. Paul and Chloe should hook up together. That solves everything. And Lamar Odom should just go do lots of crack and try to play basketball while horribly high on crack.
Hey, at least Mr. Brand has a bit of style and smarts, and will be in the spotlight long after Mr. Odom drops off the radar.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to find a doctor who can make me look like to store mannikin. Perhaps I should ask McCartney for some references...
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to find a doctor who can make me look like to store mannikin. Perhaps I should ask McCartney for some references...
That is a bit bold of you to offer Khloe Kardashian sympathy sex from Russel Brand without asking Russel's permission. How do you know Russel would have any interest in getting his groove on in such a manner? As for Paul McCartney, why doesn't he just write his wife a song then if he is too bashful to speak to her face? Perhaps by the time humans reach the age of 100 or whatever McCartney is, they are simply unable to love any longer. My friend Wilford Fungus is nearly 100, and the only thing he truly loves is Quaker Oats.
I'd happily provide Paul McCartney's wife with sympathy sex but my sympathy runs out at Paul McCartney himself. Poor woman. He can utter the L word in countless pop songs to millions of listeners but can't say it to the woman he has married? Ridiculous!
Pearl: They might be quite tasty, but I doubt they'd survive his weekly delousing.
Dr Ken: If Paul hooked up with Khloe, which one would be receiving sympathy sex?
Al: That would make the sperm too drowsy to go anywhere. Was that your preferred method of birth control?
HermanTurnip: You must be an Anglophile if you're speaking up for Russell. Don't you think Paul's wife has a softer face than Heather Mills?
Jimmy: It's not something Russell would refuse to do on past form, Jimmy. Do you have any information that he's turned over a new leaf? Paul did write it in a song, but no one knows who's speaking to whom in his songs. Maybe he should have sent her a love note.
Steve: Do you think growing up in Liverpool might have something to do with it? I can't imagine many Scousers saying "I love you". They're too cheeky to say stuff like that.
Dr Ken: If Paul hooked up with Khloe, which one would be receiving sympathy sex?
Al: That would make the sperm too drowsy to go anywhere. Was that your preferred method of birth control?
HermanTurnip: You must be an Anglophile if you're speaking up for Russell. Don't you think Paul's wife has a softer face than Heather Mills?
Jimmy: It's not something Russell would refuse to do on past form, Jimmy. Do you have any information that he's turned over a new leaf? Paul did write it in a song, but no one knows who's speaking to whom in his songs. Maybe he should have sent her a love note.
Steve: Do you think growing up in Liverpool might have something to do with it? I can't imagine many Scousers saying "I love you". They're too cheeky to say stuff like that.
If I didn't know who these people are I would think it was a picture of a young woman and her grandfather. But of course it is a picture of a young woman and someone else's grandfather or is that great grandfather?
Which one is Khloe Kardashian? I assume he's the guy with the sunglasses and beard since he's alone and the three women seem perfectly happy being in love with each other.
Which one is Khloe Kardashian? I assume he's the guy with the sunglasses and beard since he's alone and the three women seem perfectly happy being in love with each other.
Poor ol' ol' Paul, I guess it's a case of "275 times bitten 276 times shy" As for Ms Kardashian eating Russel's parasites, I don't think she'd stoop so low as to commit an act of cannibalism :)
How *dare* you call me an Anglophile. Where do you get the nerve? Why I outta...
...wait, we're talking about fishing, right?
...wait, we're talking about fishing, right?
David: He is indeed a grandfather with six grandchildren. Thank you for inspiring me to look up that fact. The woman, however, is old enough to be his daughter. His grandchildren might think she was their aunt.
Sir Hutson: That depends whether you like your love doggie style.
Billy: I might listen to that song when I'm in the mood for something dark and smelly.
Joe: You're right! She should give them board and lodging instead of eating them.
Al: Not being able to dance is yet another method of birth control. Men who can't dance never get laid in the Congo.
Herman: I'm talking about the love of fish-and-chips rather than fishing, which is a slightly different thing. The love of fishermen is another kind of love I wasn't referring to.
Sir Hutson: That depends whether you like your love doggie style.
Billy: I might listen to that song when I'm in the mood for something dark and smelly.
Joe: You're right! She should give them board and lodging instead of eating them.
Al: Not being able to dance is yet another method of birth control. Men who can't dance never get laid in the Congo.
Herman: I'm talking about the love of fish-and-chips rather than fishing, which is a slightly different thing. The love of fishermen is another kind of love I wasn't referring to.
Maybe Sir Paul is only comfortable with expressions of love when accompanied over sugary sweet guitar melodies.
As for Mr. Brand, he knows a thing or two about divorce. After having the fortune of sampling Ms. Katy Perry's voluptuous teats, I would be curious to see how he would react to Ms. Khloe's comparable feet. Maybe he enjoys toes over nipples?
As for Mr. Brand, he knows a thing or two about divorce. After having the fortune of sampling Ms. Katy Perry's voluptuous teats, I would be curious to see how he would react to Ms. Khloe's comparable feet. Maybe he enjoys toes over nipples?
The Kardashians aren't scoring high in the love department these days, GB. It seems Bruce Jenner is also craving a very, um, deep love. The magazines claim he's into wearing dresses and wants to be a woman. Have you read about that? As for Paul, he already married her. It's a bit late to fear expressing his love. Right? Humans are strange.
xoRobyn
xoRobyn
Scarlett: Your trip to the zoo has evidently made you a keen zoologist, Miss Scarlett.
Chris: It's strange to think of a mortal man scorning Miss Perry's jahoobies. Khloe's toes might be OK for a change, but I doubt they'll be as tasty in the long run.
Love: I hope you don't get addicted to it, Miss Princess. It prevents the brain from functioning as it should.
Robyn: I had to look up who Bruce Jenner is, Robyn. My knowledge of this illustrious family continues to expand. As for Paul, it's also a bit late for him to be expressing such feelings for the first time.
Crazy Mama: Yes, that love quickly withered into something less affectionate.
Carol: Hello and welcome, Carol. I'm a fan of Wilford Fungus too! Maybe you should repeat your comment in a place he might read it!
Chris: It's strange to think of a mortal man scorning Miss Perry's jahoobies. Khloe's toes might be OK for a change, but I doubt they'll be as tasty in the long run.
Love: I hope you don't get addicted to it, Miss Princess. It prevents the brain from functioning as it should.
Robyn: I had to look up who Bruce Jenner is, Robyn. My knowledge of this illustrious family continues to expand. As for Paul, it's also a bit late for him to be expressing such feelings for the first time.
Crazy Mama: Yes, that love quickly withered into something less affectionate.
Carol: Hello and welcome, Carol. I'm a fan of Wilford Fungus too! Maybe you should repeat your comment in a place he might read it!
Bannana, I can tell you right now how it can't be scary for a man to know if a woman loves him or not paying especial interest in Paul...ummmm Let her be his age...Heather was not even close his age and let him be wary if your 90 yrs old you can't have a 35 yrs.old wife no matter how much Viagra is out there...duhhhhh...sorry my pet peeve...men in their 60 trying to be with women in there 20's or 30's
Love, love me do. Maybe he's a narcissist.
Khloe and Russel. Hmmm... certainly make for interesting viewing. Better than the current shite she partakes in.
Khloe and Russel. Hmmm... certainly make for interesting viewing. Better than the current shite she partakes in.
JTILIS: Well hopefully she's a Beatles fan, so the age difference doesn't matter. Don't you think Mick Jagger still has groupies?
Juliette: Russell was interviewed by the K-sisters on their TV show. He flirted with them too, although I'm not sure he was being serious. Is he ever, though?
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Juliette: Russell was interviewed by the K-sisters on their TV show. He flirted with them too, although I'm not sure he was being serious. Is he ever, though?
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