Friday, May 27, 2011

A treat for film buffs?

The manager of the safari camp is thrilled at the news that Jennifer Aniston will appear topless in her next movie. 

“She wouldn’t be doing it unless her melons were in great shape!” he exclaimed. “I bet they’re ripe and ready for plucking!” 

“That would be quite an achievement for a 42-year-old woman,” I remarked. “Could they really be so different from the many melons you’ve ogled on the internet?” 

“That’s not the point!” he insisted. “You never forget a famous pair of titties. I can still picture Jamie-Lee Curtis pulling off her sweater in that movie where she pulled off her sweater.” 

“Miss Curtis would surely be delighted that her acting made such an impression on you,” I replied sardonically. “It’s a pity there isn’t a titty Oscar.” 

“Damn right!” agreed the manager. “They’d have to share it, though. You couldn’t give it to one boob and make the other one jealous.” 

“Why not give each boob its own one?” I suggested. 

“That’s just crazy talk!” he sneered. “They obviously work as a team.” 

I told the manager he had no equal in the etiquette of bosom appreciation and left him to his daydreams. 

I wonder what prompted Miss Aniston to let her puppies pose for the camera. Could she be worried that her image is too goody-goody, like Julie Andrews? On the whole, I think it’s a sign of desperation when a famous actress bares her breasts in anything other than a French film. The French, being French, know how to integrate the female bosom with dialogue and plot in an entirely naturalistic way – you never feel like a peeping tom when a pert pair of dumplings appears in their movies. In a Hollywood flick, by contrast, the boob shot is obviously a scrap of meat thrown to the hounds. 

I will now make a controversial statement that most men will find ludicrous to the point of absurdity: there are more interesting things on a woman than her breasts. I’m thinking particularly of her nose. Smalls ones are supposed to be cute and feminine, yet long pointy ones are far more intriguing. Miss Aniston should reflect on the fact that Meryl Streep has never once exposed her bust in a movie. People are too interested in her face to wonder what her jahoobies look like. 

I am glad to note that some humans share my peculiar fascination. The organisers of the Long Nose World Championship, to be held next month in Germany, are still looking for promising candidates to compete in their “snoot out”. Unfortunately, women from really long-nosed nations, like Armenia and Moldova, are reluctant to participate for fear of damaging their marital prospects. This is a great shame. I’m sure there are many single men who would love to have their nerve-endings nuzzled by a long-nosed wife. "If you've got it, poke it!" would be an apt slogan for such ladies.

Maybe they need an organisation based on the gay rights movement which encourages them to take pride in their noses. I would volunteer to help with the publicity if they allowed me to tweak a few beaky ones. 


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// posted by Gorilla Bananas @ 00:00 28 comments

Monday, December 03, 2007

The nose have it

A French woman at the safari camp reveals that she is sexually attracted to men with big noses.

“You mean like Gérard Depardieu?” I ask

“Pah!” she exclaims. “His nose is like the tulip bulb. I want the long sharp nose of Mr Geoffrey Rush!”

“A decent actor,” I admit, “but not a big hit with the ladies, as far as I know.”

“For sure he is a hit with this lady!” insists the woman. “And he always acts to such naughty roles – the Marquis de Sade, the Pirate of the Caribbean. He can rush me to his cabin if ever he wants!”

She squeals and pinches my arm, delighted with her own wit.

“Excellent pun, to be sure,” I remark. “Yet what is it about big noses that appeals to you? The prospect of a good nuzzle perhaps? Or does their sniffing potential tickle your fancy?”

“Sniffing and nuzzling is good,” she answers, “but more important is what the big nose suggests about the man.”

She chuckles, giving me a knowing look.

“Indeed?” I reply. “And what might that be?”

This straightforward question prompts the woman to laugh hysterically for a good minute-and-a-half. Heaven knows what she finds so hilarious. The French are famous for their odd sense of humour, of course. A lot of them find Jerry Lewis funny.

“My dear Mr Bananas!” she sighs at length, drying her eyes. “You are big, strong and hairy, but you have hardly any nose! So, alas, I could never be yours.”

“I am sorry to be unworthy of you,” I reply loftily. “I shall endeavour to bear my disappointment lightly.”

I leave her to entertain the other guests with her nasal ruminations.

Maybe what she liked about big-nosed men was their implied personality. A woman might easily develop a fascination for such a fellow after watching him ferreting around, probing beneath the veils of multi-layered mystery. Lieutenant Columbo acquired a huge female following simply by asking awkward questions, even though he dressed like a tramp and was a patsy to his wife. The nosey man might also be more adventurous in bed, delving with his torchlight into regions that less inquisitive lovers would shun. And let’s not forget that many women are fond of cats, who are renowned for their curiosity.

Snooping in the wrong circumstances can be a terribly destructive thing, though. The Nosey Parker has ruined the career of many a promising politician. Does anyone remember Gary Hart, the American senator from somewhere-or-the-other? He was billed as the next John Kennedy, even though he didn’t have a particularly large nose. The same could not be said of Barry Manilow, the shrew-faced songwriter and neighbour of Mr Hart. When he learnt that the senator was taking time off the campaign trail to relax on his yacht, he turned up at the harbour with a box full of signed albums. The assorted dolly birds and party girls on the vessel inevitably broke cover and screamed, as they are wont to do in the presence of famous crooners. The press quickly got wind of the commotion and Mr Hart’s presidential bid exploded in a shower of crotchless panties and push-up bras.

I don’t begrudge Manilow his success and give him his due as a composer of sentimental ballads. I’m sure he has no shortage of female admirers who have fallen head-over-heels in love with his phenomenal snout. But he should curb his inquisitive instincts when they are likely to change the course of American politics.


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// posted by Gorilla Bananas @ 07:05 43 comments

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