Wednesday, October 01, 2014
The Sperminator
Behold Ed Houben, the Dutchman who has fathered 99 children by offering women his “exceptionally potent sperm”. The good news for women desperate to conceive is that the sperm is provided free of charge. The bad news is that he advises his clients to let him inseminate them naturally – the syringe option is less effective, he says.
He claims there is no shortage of woman willing to travel to his apartment in Maastricht to be impregnated in the time-honoured way. This allows him to be choosy, rejecting customers who can’t spell, weigh 300 pounds or have genital cooties. What is his secret? This is what he says:
“I try to be the perfect gentleman in every way and not look like the ex-murderer who just got sprung. In a short time, I have to make the assessment: What does this woman prefer? I always invite them to tell me what they want.”
This is all very charming, but I don’t believe it explains his popularity. I put it down to the most skilful piece of marketing since the invention of Brylcreem. By telling women he has already fathered scores of children, he makes them think he’s a super-stud who produces premium jism. It’s an old gorilla trick. The female feels like a Ferrari having high-octane fuel injected into her tank. Little does she realise that any cross-eyed goof is capable of impregnating a large number of females. If you turn a fire hose on a crowd, lots of people will get wet.
Houben is unquestionably a wily fox, but the service he provides is no great boon to humanity. A far more impressive feat was accomplished by doctors who have grown artificial vaginas in the laboratory. This is no mere party trick. Sadly, a small percentage of women are born with defective coochies that need to be replaced. Praise be to the goddess Chacharita that those who have received transplants are very happy with their new organs. All have reported “normal levels of desire, arousal, lubrication, orgasm, satisfaction and painless intercourse.”
No doubt, there are many curious men who would jump at the chance of testing out these miracle vaginas. I can’t imagine Houben turning down a transplantee who asked him to plough her furrow. When I told the manager of the safari camp about this breakthrough in regenerative medicine, he grinned like an alligator:
“Of course it makes them more desirable,” he affirmed. “What man wouldn’t want to say that he’s fucked a bionic pussy?”
“A man who’s never made fart noises with his armpits?” I suggested.
“Do such men exist?” asked the manager, walking off with a pensive look on his face.
What I’d like to know is whether these sterling snatches can survive outside of a woman. It would surely be fascinating to keep one as a pet and watch it respond to stimuli. The biggest problem would be knowing what to feed it. I’d be tempted to put a gobstopper inside it, which it could suck on whenever it got hungry.
Labels: coochie transplant, jism, lab-grown vagina, pregnancy
