Wednesday, April 26, 2017
Putting a seal on it
An American tourist tells me that a US Navy Seal is not an animal with flippers that makes unpleasant barking noises. Apparently, the Seals are daredevil commandos who visit remote locations to confront bad guys in need of assassination. I use the computer at the safari guesthouse to confirm this description is essentially correct. However, the Seals are considerably more versatile than the American public imagines them to be. A few minutes of judicious googling leads me to an article about Chief Special Warfare Officer Joseph Schmidt III, who is rumoured to have starred in lesbian-themed movies such as ‘Strippers Come Home Horny from the Club’ and ‘Apple Smashing Lap Dance’.
The details are somewhat murky, but it appears that Officer Schmidt was encouraged to pursue this line of work by his wife, who is a successful porn actress. This is what she said about her husband’s situation:
“He was always pretty open about it with the command. I mean, honestly, all of his buddies knew about it. He got called in and they said, ‘Look, keep it on the low, don’t mention the SEAL name and blah, blah, blah.’ “
But now that the lid has blown off, the Seals have launched an investigation into what Officer Schmidt has been doing under their noses:
“There are prohibitions on behaviour that is discrediting to the service,” explained Captain Jason Salata, a spokesman for the Seals.”
For my part, I don’t see what role a barrel-chested fellow like Officer Schmidt would have in such movies. I can’t believe a single lesbian on Earth would find him attractive, so what does he contribute? The manager of the safari camp is an aficionado of lesbian porn, so I ask him how a man could have a starring role in this genre of entertainment.
“Oh, you poor innocent ape!” he sighs, shaking his head sadly. “All the best ones have men in starring roles.”
He then gives me a brief lecture on the topic, describing the following parts that male actors have played:
• the loyal slave who performs various tasks for his lesbian mistress, which may include keeping her toys in serviceable condition;
• the Peeping Tom who furtively watches lesbians until he is discovered and punished for his voyeurism;
• the cuckold whose wife is seduced by a lesbian and must face the humiliating truth that she prefers girl-on-girl action to anything he can provide.
Call me an old-fashioned ape, but I don’t think any of the roles described above are compatible with the ethos of an elite fighting unit. A man in military service can’t appear to be pussy-whipped by lesbians. The enemy might think he was a coward whose finger would tremble on the trigger. If I were in the Seals High Command, I would require Officer Schmidt to submit the scripts of the movies he is offered a role in, and forbid him from accepting any part where lesbians bully him into submission. Artistic freedom is a wonderful thing, but you’ve got to draw the line somewhere.
Labels: lesbians, porn, US Navy Seal
