Monday, January 11, 2010

Ride of the Valkyries

The manager of the safari camp attempts to humour me by claiming that a bullet-proof bra has been invented in Germany. I am not impressed by his apocryphal assertion.

"The Germans invented bosom armour centuries ago,” I remind him. “Brunhilde 'Iron-tits' Kugelbrecher charged into battle with a pair of metal cones sprouting from her bust. As well as protecting her jahoobies from missiles, she could impale a man’s head on her spiky bodkins.”

“That’s not the same thing,” retorts the manager. “A metal bra would cause bullets to ricochet everywhere and get hot after being sprayed with automatic fire. Brunhilde’s titties would have been well and truly cooked.”

“It’s just as well such weapons did not exist when she was alive,” I remark. “What materials is the contemporary boob-protector made of?”

“Ordinary fabrics with extra padding,” he answers.

I later discover that the garment cited by the manager offers no protection whatever against bullets. German policewomen have been advised to wear it
underneath an ordinary bullet-proof vest. Once again, a gullible human has been fooled by a misleading news headline.

It follows that metallic bosom armour remains state-of-the-art, and not just for women who do battle in horny helmets. It is also the most effective countermeasure against the insidious groper who will exploit any opportunity to manipulate a woman’s melons. I’m thinking particularly of those degenerate dentists who cannot resist the temptation to paw their female patients, often when they are prone and defenceless on the chair. The number of fiends arrested for this offence continues to accumulate.

A chastity belt would be going too far though. Call me an unadventurous ape, but I’ve never been comfortable with the idea of a two-legged creature going about its business with an object pressed against its crotch. There are certain areas of the body that Nature intended to be well-ventilated, the gusset being the most obvious one. I pity the medieval maidens who had to wear those ungainly groin-padlocks, which through contact with bodily fluids may have poisoned many a cha-cha. The modern human female is will rid of such treacherous and unhygienic appliances.

I’ve never understood the need for knickers either. Why do women wear them? Do they hold something up that would otherwise fall down? Do they prevent things from rubbing against the naked flesh, causing discomfort or embarrassing pleasure? I suspect they are one of those fashion fads that arose in the days of Marie Antoinette, and got passed down through the generations from mother to daughter. If a famous woman like Angela Merkel or Hilldog were to publicly renounce her knickers, great swathes of the female population would surely go commando.

A lot of men would miss seeing panties hanging on clothes lines and having a quick sniff of them in the laundry basket, but they can’t expect women to dance to their tune in these days of gender equality. The gentlemen among them would obtain vicarious pleasure from imagining the sensation of cool air circulating around the female crevices.

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Hmmm, the bullet-proof bra looks an awful lot like my sports bra. I 've never been shot at while wearing it so I don't know if it's able to stop bullets too. Not that anyone ever tried to shoot me or anything.

Now, about those panties (or knickers)...
Walking out of your front door with your "cha-cha" hanging out may be an indication of a sunstroke. There are so much pretty panties, hipsters & thongs out there. You can let your undercarriage breath at home, especially in this cold weather.
Sigh, I need a spell checker. BREATHE not breath.
Germany, America, it doesn't matter. Tell a woman that wearing a particular garment will enhance her titties...and she is all over it.

I know of ONE woman that doesn't need any Breast enhancement of any sort, nor is she gullible. And, as of today, she's never been shot at!
I had to nominate you, Uncle Bananas for the Bloggie award thingies. I sincerely hope you win.

Gorilla! Was that YOU taking pictures of Topiary panties drying on the line?

(Topiary secretly very flattered to have been visited by a roaming backyard gorilla)

Aren't knickers there to stop pubic hair getting caught in zips?
Donut girl: I thought you'd mention cold weather, Ms Donut, but aren't Scotsmen supposed to be warm with nothing under the kilt? And I didn't know that cha-chas could hang out or get sunstroke.

Blasé: Maybe you should tell her that the bigger the tits, the harder they fall.

Sally: Thank you very much, Sally. I accept your nomination with blushes.

Topiary Cow: What a fine collection you have, Ms Cow! You are a woman of hidden sauciness!

Gadjo: Well there are other solutions. Buttons instead of a zip, wearing a kilt, having a Brazilian, etc.
Another solution is shaving. No hair getting caught in zips or buttons in that case.

About the need for knickers, believe it or not, cha-chas need love and care; they can get a cold if they dont get properly dressed. And they get disappointed if not properly undressed, LOL.

And those bullet-proof padded bras... they look awful. Will there be bullet-proof boxers for die Polizeibeamte?
What is it with Dentists? And you seem to know a lot about knicker sniffing. Anything to do with your Circus days with the Acrobat troupe?
to call a spade a spade Gorilla women wear knickers because they have vaginal secretions which need to be soaked up otherwise they make a mess of your trousers. You especially need knickers during your period as blood trickles out in accidents. That said i often forego panties in summer.

BTW is Circus Monkey a pal or yours or have your paths ever crossed?
Yes, it's all about fashion for me. Buying up cute panties is a hobby.

I'd hate a bullet proof bra. I suspect you wouldn't even feel a pinch through it and we can't be having that.
Going commando while sleeping is a favorite hobby of mine... I think it makes for excellent dreams (and foreplay)...
please send this into mythbusters as a show recommendation...then finally i'd enjoy watching it. as i have to do. every wednesday. because my boyfriend is a nerd.
Leni: Do cha-chas sneeze if they get a cold, Leni? Don't answer that. I think policemen wear a jockstrap to protect their gonads.

Rubbish: Yes, indeed. Protecting the girls from panty-sniffers was one of my jobs. I bet you've sniffed plenty in your time.

Emma: So knickers are also nappies, in effect? Do any women use baby wipes as well? Circus monkey has visited here before, but we're not related.

Ms OWO: Do you really like titty-pinches? I would have thought you were more of a full hand girl.

Auri: Is foreplay possible when you're asleep, Auri? I thought you had to be a sleepwalker to do that kind of thing.

Kara: I've never seen the show, but I'd send them material if they asked me. Your boyfriend is only trying to help you improve your mind. Be kind to him.
I never wear underwear myself for reasons of economy... all that silk and lace exhausts the budget. I was horribly reminded of Madonna - didnt she have some sort of 'fighting bra' in the 90s?
"If a famous woman like Angela Merkel or Hilldog were to publicly renounce her knickers, great swathes of the female population would surely go commando."

It's a noble idea, but it didn't work for Julia Roberts when she bared her gorilla-friendly armpits at a film premiere, unfortunately. It's a fact of life that human women are strange, want to get as far away as possible from nature, and feel most comfortable when their wobbly bits are locked away.

P.S. Stop taking pictures of my bloomers.
My my Gorilla Bananas... you do have a lot to learn. Girlies wear panties so that they don't have to wash their jeans every day...Tsk!
Thats a kind of thing for Japneses sword fighter have it. In the kitcjhen those kinds of clothes on their are needed as sweats the crotch. You want to feel it dribble?
I thank you again, my dear Mr. Ape. for leading me into areas of thought that I otherwise would not have considered.
The Mongols wore silk shirts instead of armour. This meant that arrow heads could be cleanly removed from wounds.

I wonder what they would have made of this business.
Mutley: I thought you wore lime green briefs. And yes, Madonna did sport a pair of spiky ones.

Rachel: But doesn't your undercarriage long for a cool breeze in the summer, Rach?

Miss BB: Welcome to blogger, Miss Ball Breaker. Wouldn't a sanitary towel work just as well?

Mu Tai Dong: You can't stop it sweating Ms Dong. That's why it needs ventilation.

Saintly: My pleasure, Saintly Nick, I hope your thoughts give you pleasure.

Mosha: The armour of the day must have been too heavy, even for their small-breasted women. It might have been a different story if lightweight alloys have been available.
There's another can of worms you've opened, Bananas. Although you don't get many of them to the pound I can tell you.
I feel a field trip in my DeLorean coming on.
Emerson: What's this, you've dropped your disguise?

Mosha: Hmm. Well be careful, they all had swords back then.
There's always time for foreplay=) And I wake VERY easily...
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