Friday, October 26, 2012

Too many vaginas

A correspondent accuses me of being obsessed about Lady Gaga.

“She’s not the only woman in the world, you know,” he quipped. “Why don’t you write something about Rihanna? I’d do her.”

Not knowing who Rihanna was, I asked the chimps to send me her file. It made fascinating reading. It seems she is another singer who has won acclaim by flaunting her talents in stimulating and inventive ways. A couple of years ago she was being hailed as a virtuoso lesbian - “the best fondler ever” according to one of her girlfriends. Now she’s complaining that men won’t ask her out:

“I'm waiting for the man who's ballsy enough to deal with me,” she declared. “And I have too many vaginas around me at this point.”

I’m not surprised that men won’t approach her if she’s surrounded by vaginas. A cordon of coochies is an intimidating barrier for the bravest of men. Harder to penetrate, I would say, than a moat filled with jellyfish and giant squid. I doubt even Sir Lancelot would have attempted to breach it without a siege engine and catapult.

My advice to Rihanna is to make the first move. If a man catches her eye, just whistle him over for a powwow. The best way of attracting a ballsy man is to show him you’re a ballsy woman. To check out his balls you’ve got to get them within reach. It may not be the traditional method of initiating a courtship, but what does tradition matter to a fabulously rich diva with eyes that could hypnotise a snake? The whole point of the feminist revolution was to empower women to do everything that men do, including wearing trousers, pissing upright and making booty calls.

If Rihanna continues to have no luck with men, she might consider visiting the women-only bar that’s just opened in Tokyo. The function of this establishment is to allow women to discuss love and sex in an intimate setting without being interrupted by men eager to add their two cents. The owner of the bar hopes that her customers will shed their inhibitions and exchange tips on self-pleasurement.

“Since most people view female masturbation as something of a mystery or taboo, it is not a usual topic at typical bars,” said Megumi Nakagawa.

I’ve always thought that teaching women how to masturbate was a beautiful and noble activity, on a par with healing the sick and feeding the hungry. Obviously it’s something best done by another woman – I wouldn’t presume to offer lessons myself, even though I’ve watched female gorillas do imaginative things to their nether regions.

The sad thing is that many women are too embarrassed to admit they need help with their fingerwork, much like illiterate people who are too ashamed to attend reading classes. Fortunately, the internet now offers a number of excellent bean-flicking sites that women can peruse in private. My favourite one is called – I defy anyone to watch the clips without moaning and sighing in empathy.

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I bet these women would make superb guitar players.
As Woody Allen once said (far be it from me to claim credit for another's witticism): "I like masturbation. It's sex with someone I love."
Still, when it comes to that, I'm the only man who I'll allow to touch me.
And, by the way, I don't think there can ever be too many vaginas.
Hah, I actually prefer masturbation because I'm never disappointed. And, who says it has to be done with your fingers???????
Yes, I'll have to check out that site!
Dash it all, Man, I innocently read your post assuming that a "vagina" was some resident of some county or state of Vag or something similar. Wantin' to check though I naturally called for the appropriate volumes of the Complete Oxford and the Britannic Encyclopedia. Damn near scared the life out of me. They can't be serious, surely?
Now they know how many holes it takes to fill pop music.

I visited the Cleveland Zoo once and a monkey walked to the front of the cage and started masturbating in front of the gape-mouthed crowd. An absolutely true story.
I can not confirm this 100%, but from what I read on the internet, it is common knowledge that Rhianna whatsherface has the herp. (Which is why men may not be approaching her with great gusto.) My main source for this info, however, is Tila Tequila, yeah. I think I will shut up now.
Steve: Are you sure it's the same technique? There are no strings in a lady's muff.

Al: Wait until you've been in a vagina swamp before saying their can't be too many vaginas.

Keeping it real: What do you use besides fingers, ma'am? Your toes? Your tongue? Your toys?

Ms TYS: I'm glad to have been of service, Ms Y.

The Owl Wood: They are utterly serious, my good fellow. No man achieved anything by laughing at a vagina.

Mr UB: I would have believed your story without your assurance that it was true. I've seen plenty of monkeys spanking their monkeys. I suspect the one you saw was asking for a blow job.

Jimmy: I never believe rumours like that unless someone shows me a medical report. There are too many vested interests involved. Is Tila one of her rivals?
I don't know quite how the story goes. Tila is kind of like a poor man's Kim Kardashian, and was mad at Rhianna for some reason. Anyway, there was a rumor that Chris Brown, Rhianna's ex-boyfriend, beat her up, because she gave him some kind of these cooties. Well, everyone in show business has the cooties. At least that's what I read on TMZ.
I have no respect for Rhianna. She was in a position to be a spokeswoman for women's rights and against domestic abuse. Instead, she glamorized it. She's not well. Maybe that's why men aren't lining up at her door.

PS Toys or fingers - it's all good.

I wouldn't mind being surrounded by vaginae but I don't think I could prevent myself taking a peek each of them and see if I can find a pot of gold in one of them.

I love a good female masturbation flick. They really enjoy rubbing that love button.
i learned all i need to know about lesbians and female masturbation from eric cartman. does the pope have a policy on female masturbation?
Nolo contendere.......except, well, SIX.

Buzzy things are less tiring for the fingers btw.
"The best fondler ever" is high praise indeed...were there organized trials in an impartially judged setting?
Jimmy: That's a shocking story, Jimmy. I'm sure she didn't deliberately give him cooties and he could have taken precautions. I'd like to see this guy Brown prove what a tough guy he is with my females.

Robyn: Are you talking about her relationship with Chris Brown, Robyn? All I know about it is what Jimmy wrote above. I hope she didn't say it was a turn-on.

Kelly: Is that based on Irish folklore? The leprechauns were always looking pots of gold and were the perfect size to sneak under a woman's skirt. They must have picked on mature ladies with plenty of room in their snatches.

Billy: Did Cartman's mom ever masturbate? I don't think she ever needed to. No one cares what the Pope says anymore, not even Catholics.

Jacqueline: Does that mean you disagree with SIX of my opinions? I rarely express that many opinions in a single post. Buzzers seem perfectly equipped for the job, but don't you miss the sensation in your fingers?

Ms Ninja: I don't know, Ms Ninja, I was quoting a statement made by Nicki Minaj. I shouldn't bother trying to contact her because she's a horrible shrew who might swear at you for no reason.
I always thought that a barrier of vaginas would be more effective against straight women and gay men. As opposed to straight men.
I'm an expert AND a teacher so I'd be happt to give bean-flicking (or oyster-gobbling) lessons.
Rhianna must be surrounded with vaginas (and spurting juices). Doesn't she need to keep an umbrella with her at all times or something?
I salute the women brave enough to comment on this post. Btw, I'm with Robyn on Rihanna; she's a poor representation of women's rights.
I'm late to the party and all of your other friends have left such funny comments that I can't hope to compete!
I think that yours is the only blog that I read where I'm literally laughing out loud at the comments. ;)

DWei: An army of vaginas can intimidate the straightest of men. Too much of a good thing.

TS Bastard: Your enthusiasm is commendable, but are your teaching credentials transferable to adult education?

Fatman: Why wouldn't she enjoy being squirted in the face? Check out the latest clips, my good fellow.

California Girl: My female readers are bold and brazen, CG. I'm very fortunate in that respect.

Laura: Hello, Laura, where have you been all this time? Glad you're enjoying the wacky comments from the wacky bunch who comment here!
I feel bad with women that are too embarrassed to masturbate or let themselves go during sex. It's sad.
Love the blog , the writing and the pics! Keep up the good work!
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