Monday, January 17, 2011
The solo bride
Tending bar at the safari guesthouse, I listen to an Australian woman complain about her love life. She tells me that the only heterosexual single men left in Sydney are either deadbeats or perverts. After clicking my tongue in commiseration, I offer the following advice:
“If you've truly lost all hope of finding the right man, you could always follow the example of the Taiwanese woman who got married to herself.
“If I get married to myself, who will open jam jars for me?” she asks with a melancholy smirk.
Some might consider this question to be a trivialisation of the matrimonial covenant, but I am not the sort of ape to pooh-pooh practical problems preying on the mind of a disenchanted woman.
“You must develop a strong enough grip to perform such tasks for yourself,” I advise. “A woman who depends on men to unscrew her receptacles will find herself at a disadvantage in more ways than one. If you wish, I will instruct you in a programme of finger exercises that will enable you to de-cap any jar, whether of jam, pickles or gherkins.”
“Sounds good to me!” she exclaims. “When do I start unscrewing?”
I tell her that I will attend to her needs presently, in a more suitable venue for such tuition. Let's hope she doesn't give up the minute her wrists start to ache.
Now returning to this self-marriage idea, it seems that the Taiwanese woman went ahead and did it because she was fed up of her parents nagging her to find a husband. Her wedding, in a fetching bridal gown, was intended as a defiant gesture against the pressure to conform to social norms, rather than the celebration of a new life with herself. Yet I can't help wondering whether her idea will catch on with women looking for alternatives to the traditional two-person marriage.
A woman who becomes her own wife is better off in a number of ways. Her marriage would only end in divorce if she went nuts and developed a split personality. She could despise her in-laws openly without upsetting her spouse. The sex could be good with the aid of toys, although public displays of affection would best be avoided. Marital infidelities would always be forgiven unless she got drunk and slept with someone like Pee Wee Herman.
One type of woman it definitely wouldn't work for would be the heavy-fisted harridan who needs a husband to use as a punch-bag. Consider the case of Maria Popescu, the Romanian fishwife who forced her spouse to live in a dog kennel because she didn’t like the look on his face. The poor man didn't dare disobey her for fear of getting whacked on the head with a rolling pin.
Before accusing him of cowardice, bear in mind that women from that part of the world are often built like weightlifters. For a man with a brawny wife, the doghouse is often the safest place.
Labels: dog kennel, getting married to yourself, marriage, Romanian fishwife
Comments:
<< Home
those taiwanese are incredibly resourceful and agile. occidentals will only suffer embarrassment and humiliation trying to copy them.
i speak from experience.
i speak from experience.
When it comes to opening jars, I too want to be married again. That's the only time. Will you give me some 1:1 tutorial, GB?
xoRobyn
PS Fingers work just fine. One doesn't need any of those fancy toys.
xoRobyn
PS Fingers work just fine. One doesn't need any of those fancy toys.
I've seen lots of on-line videos of ladies who have no need for husbands. Seems a rather common arrangement on many websites I frequent.
Billy: Yes, I hear they've achieved great things. I've also heard they mock occidentals for having big noses.
Robyn: Jar-opening toys are for the limp-wristed, Robyn. After a few sessions with me, you'll have fingers that can poke holes in a watermelon.
Fred: Don't assume the women you see on websites have no need of husbands. Appearances can be deceptive.
Nursemyra: A very sad video, Nursie. He would have been better off giving her a good spanking for their anniversary.
Miss J: Good thinking, Miss J, that's another advantage. Although I've never quite understood why women find pulling down a loo seat such a chore.
Steve: Hiding in a tree works best for me.
Robyn: Jar-opening toys are for the limp-wristed, Robyn. After a few sessions with me, you'll have fingers that can poke holes in a watermelon.
Fred: Don't assume the women you see on websites have no need of husbands. Appearances can be deceptive.
Nursemyra: A very sad video, Nursie. He would have been better off giving her a good spanking for their anniversary.
Miss J: Good thinking, Miss J, that's another advantage. Although I've never quite understood why women find pulling down a loo seat such a chore.
Steve: Hiding in a tree works best for me.
I've sorted out that silly jar problem long ago. Who needs a man or finger exercises when you have a jar opener?!
BOYCOTT AMERICAN WOMEN
Why American men should boycott American women
http://boycottamericanwomen.blogspot.com/
I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don't know how to cook or clean, don't want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women?
American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least.
This blog is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women), and why American men should boycott American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women.
BOYCOTT AMERICAN WOMEN!
Why American men should boycott American women
http://boycottamericanwomen.blogspot.com/
I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don't know how to cook or clean, don't want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women?
American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least.
This blog is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women), and why American men should boycott American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women.
BOYCOTT AMERICAN WOMEN!
The previous comment was obviously written by an immature male. I would much rather be MANcotted than BOYcotted.
As for the subject of screwing, I've been screwed, screwed-over and screwed-up for most of my life. I can UNscrew any lid you can throw at me, but I can't unscrew myself. So, Mr. Bananas, sign me up for that class of yours.
I guess it beats marrying your pet. I've read some reports of men and women who've married their pets. I wonder if that woman will have arguments with herself like a married couple sometimes do. She must really get her rocks off with the sex toy action.
That's why I've always wanted to marry a big burly man...but alas, I married a Small...pun intended...
and the dude for boycotting must be looking for those virgins when he does the suicide stuff??
and the dude for boycotting must be looking for those virgins when he does the suicide stuff??
Hi
I am new to this blogging world and ...Wow! I loved this post.. Maybe I should also start thinking in terms of the Taiwaese woman, just to shut up my parents.
www.arrangedindianmarriage.blogspot.com
I am new to this blogging world and ...Wow! I loved this post.. Maybe I should also start thinking in terms of the Taiwaese woman, just to shut up my parents.
www.arrangedindianmarriage.blogspot.com
Marry myself and then divorce myself. Would surely be a heck of a lot cheaper than my real divorce settlement. In other words, 'what's mine is hers and what's hers is hers....
Ladytruth: Now that's just cheating, Ladytruth! And you've got a big strong husband anyway!
BoycottAM: I looked at your blog, Sir, and observed that you do not allow comments. This offends my sense of fair play, so I regret that I will be boycotting you.
Madam Z: It would be a pleasure to help you unscrew yourself, Madam Z. And a liberating experience for both of us, I should hope.
Kelly: Yes, I've read about those pet-owner marriages. If memory serves, I also blogged about a man-cushion marriage. There are few things a determined person cannot marry.
Martyrmom: A small man can have powerful hands, Martyrmon. I've seen dwarves who could rip up a phone book. The Boycotter sounds like the kind of fellow who would struggle to rip up a napkin.
Runawaybride: Hello and welcome, Miss! The best way to shut up your parents would be to elope. Parents have no answer to the fait accompli.
Klahanie: I am sorry to hear that. Some mistakes are so costly. Divorcing yourself would be free, but it may involve some mental anguish.
BoycottAM: I looked at your blog, Sir, and observed that you do not allow comments. This offends my sense of fair play, so I regret that I will be boycotting you.
Madam Z: It would be a pleasure to help you unscrew yourself, Madam Z. And a liberating experience for both of us, I should hope.
Kelly: Yes, I've read about those pet-owner marriages. If memory serves, I also blogged about a man-cushion marriage. There are few things a determined person cannot marry.
Martyrmom: A small man can have powerful hands, Martyrmon. I've seen dwarves who could rip up a phone book. The Boycotter sounds like the kind of fellow who would struggle to rip up a napkin.
Runawaybride: Hello and welcome, Miss! The best way to shut up your parents would be to elope. Parents have no answer to the fait accompli.
Klahanie: I am sorry to hear that. Some mistakes are so costly. Divorcing yourself would be free, but it may involve some mental anguish.
Brilliant! You've solved all my dating problems, Mr B!
And if I turn out to be an adulterous, alcoholic slob, divorce is so easy!
Oh, but hang on, wait a minute...if I divorced myself, well, I'd still end up with custody of the kids...
And if I turn out to be an adulterous, alcoholic slob, divorce is so easy!
Oh, but hang on, wait a minute...if I divorced myself, well, I'd still end up with custody of the kids...
I don't think that she was giving the guys from Sydney enough credit. It could be worse. They could be perverted deadbeats.
Kyknoord: I should hope so. Australian women are pretty inventive with their fingers, so I've heard.
Tiny Temper: There's no point marrying yourself if you're already planning for a divorce, Ms Temper. Banish such negative thoughts from your mind and resolve to live happily ever after.
Jon: Doing all the housework would put a strain on the marriage. You'd have to hire a maid, preferably wearing suspenders and frilly knickers.
Missed Periods: Wouldn't a perverted deadbeat be less dangerous than an ordinary pervert? Some vices mitigate each other.
Post a Comment
Tiny Temper: There's no point marrying yourself if you're already planning for a divorce, Ms Temper. Banish such negative thoughts from your mind and resolve to live happily ever after.
Jon: Doing all the housework would put a strain on the marriage. You'd have to hire a maid, preferably wearing suspenders and frilly knickers.
Missed Periods: Wouldn't a perverted deadbeat be less dangerous than an ordinary pervert? Some vices mitigate each other.
<< Home
