Monday, March 31, 2008
Population control
An Indian district is giving gun licences to men who have vasectomies. They hope it will keep the population in check by reducing the birth rate and enabling the doctored men to shoot a few people. The uptake has been quite impressive, with many would-be shootists believing that a deadly weapon in the hand is fair compensation for one in the pants that fires only blanks. Yet I don’t believe all this macho talk about the procedure improving a fellow’s sex drive. No man is going to perform like a stallion after someone’s tinkered with his equipment – the body might be capable, but the mind will be thinking “I’ve been snipped”.
It must be the monsoon climate that encourages humans to go forth and multiply, because the problem in Russia is a declining population. The governor of Ulyanovsk has taken the imaginative step of giving people a day off in September to make babies. I have my doubts about this. Will knowing that everyone else is doing it really help a couple get in the right mood? They might try and think of the pretty newlyweds next door, but I learnt in my circus days that the human mind is fatally drawn to the grotesque (I’m talking about the dwarves, no cheek please). The mental image of 49-year-old milkmaid Svetlana Stroganov wrapping her wobbly thighs around the flaccid buttocks of husband Igor might inspire most couples to analyse chess positions from Spassky v Petrosian 1969.
If the governor had been a master of reverse psychology he would have outlawed sex on particular days of the year, given that humans love to get away with forbidden deeds. To make it even more exciting, he could have attempted to enforce the ban by ordering his secret police to make random checks on private homes and arrest illegal fornicators. Lovers would then have had to muffle their moans to avoid being reported to the authorities by their resentful, impotent neighbours. It would have been the perfect way of giving people a nostalgic reminder of life under the old Communist system.
While I’m all in favour of humans trying to ignite the dry tinder in their loins, this shouldn’t be at expense of neglecting other bedroom problems. After listening to the woes of a trapeze artist in the circus, I’ve always had a fair amount of sympathy for the premature ejaculator. Just imagine how humiliating it must be for a perfectly-toned athlete to spill his seed on a woman’s thighs and listen to her console him insincerely while fuming with frustration. He must have felt like a sprinter who repeatedly jumped the gun in a 100 metres event. Or even worse, by God.
He eventually came up with a highly effective cure for his malfunctioning member. He bought a portrait of Lauren Bacall on her 60th birthday and would imagine that scornful face staring at him whenever he was engaged in intimacies with a woman. If possible, he would persuade his playmate to make remarks like “You’ll never be half the man Bogey was” in Miss Bacall’s sardonic voice. It worked so well that a couple of months later he was faking his own orgasms.
It must be the monsoon climate that encourages humans to go forth and multiply, because the problem in Russia is a declining population. The governor of Ulyanovsk has taken the imaginative step of giving people a day off in September to make babies. I have my doubts about this. Will knowing that everyone else is doing it really help a couple get in the right mood? They might try and think of the pretty newlyweds next door, but I learnt in my circus days that the human mind is fatally drawn to the grotesque (I’m talking about the dwarves, no cheek please). The mental image of 49-year-old milkmaid Svetlana Stroganov wrapping her wobbly thighs around the flaccid buttocks of husband Igor might inspire most couples to analyse chess positions from Spassky v Petrosian 1969.
If the governor had been a master of reverse psychology he would have outlawed sex on particular days of the year, given that humans love to get away with forbidden deeds. To make it even more exciting, he could have attempted to enforce the ban by ordering his secret police to make random checks on private homes and arrest illegal fornicators. Lovers would then have had to muffle their moans to avoid being reported to the authorities by their resentful, impotent neighbours. It would have been the perfect way of giving people a nostalgic reminder of life under the old Communist system.
While I’m all in favour of humans trying to ignite the dry tinder in their loins, this shouldn’t be at expense of neglecting other bedroom problems. After listening to the woes of a trapeze artist in the circus, I’ve always had a fair amount of sympathy for the premature ejaculator. Just imagine how humiliating it must be for a perfectly-toned athlete to spill his seed on a woman’s thighs and listen to her console him insincerely while fuming with frustration. He must have felt like a sprinter who repeatedly jumped the gun in a 100 metres event. Or even worse, by God.
He eventually came up with a highly effective cure for his malfunctioning member. He bought a portrait of Lauren Bacall on her 60th birthday and would imagine that scornful face staring at him whenever he was engaged in intimacies with a woman. If possible, he would persuade his playmate to make remarks like “You’ll never be half the man Bogey was” in Miss Bacall’s sardonic voice. It worked so well that a couple of months later he was faking his own orgasms.
Labels: Lauren Bacall, premature ejaculation, vasectomy
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Impotence can be very romantic and present any woman worth her salt with a challenge. Remember Bonnie and Clyde. The sense of achievment for both participators must be unequalled. I would imagine.
That vasectomy=gun thing doesn't sound very sound. Have they really thought it through? I mean, not having had a vasectomy myself, if what you say is true about a sex drive going down after getting snipped won't there just be a lot of sexually frustrated men out there with loaded guns? Sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. Also, do women who have their tubes tied get a gun? I mean that is another "permanant" form of birth control.
Sound thinking on the Russians-in-the-sack problem, GB. I spent two years there under Soviet rule, when unmarried sex was frowned on and there was nowhere to do it anyway. The result was that Russian youth were never to be seen loafing on street corners, as they passed their entire lives having furtive coitus in semi-public places.
Now that it's legal, and Russian TV is farshtopt with porn, no one can be bothered. Youths spend their time messing with hair products and skidding about on roller blades. Lenin picked the wrong country to build his socialism in, I can tell you.
Lauren Bacall is Shimon Peres's cousin. If her frosty image still puts you off your stroke, imagine Uncle Shimon coming round and telling you doleful tales of missed opportunities. You'll be banging away like a Tyrolean barn door in no time.
Now that it's legal, and Russian TV is farshtopt with porn, no one can be bothered. Youths spend their time messing with hair products and skidding about on roller blades. Lenin picked the wrong country to build his socialism in, I can tell you.
Lauren Bacall is Shimon Peres's cousin. If her frosty image still puts you off your stroke, imagine Uncle Shimon coming round and telling you doleful tales of missed opportunities. You'll be banging away like a Tyrolean barn door in no time.
Good plan Mr B , the catholic church has been using this wheeze for centuries.
I think Miss Bacall's snarling mein is rather sexy
I think Miss Bacall's snarling mein is rather sexy
# posted by 
: Monday, March 31, 2008
: Monday, March 31, 2008
As an Indian I daresay I completely agree with the sterility=gun license thing. Its extremely important to keep our rampant sexual escapades in check. On the other hand, the day off in September to make babies sound dangerously complacent. And er... can males fake orgasm? If so, how?
I think that having children is one of the worst things for the environment. Stop global whining. My boyfriend had a vasectomy years ago. Cost 300$. That's cheaper then a years worth of condoms, and condoms don't biodegrade.
Pi: Impotence can be romantic? That's an interesting idea. I've heard of men pretending to be gay as well.
Miss Naughty: I've heard it can lead to swelling, but not in a place that a woman might appreciate. Sterilised women might prefer a free vibrator.
Ulaca: Bogart in drag was much cuter than that.
Mr Boyo: Well I never, a cousin of Shimon Peres! I guess Bogart saved her from a life on the kibbutz. If only she'd been around to negotiate with King Abdullah instead of Golda Meir.
Beast: Bogart found it sexy when she was 20, but it doesn't age that well. You've got to work on your lovability as you progress through life.
Panu: Men fake orgasms by bellowing like a moose and squirting in some mayonnaise while the woman is distracted.
Upset Waitress: Having children is OK if you raise them in the jungle and feed them salad and insects. Your boyfriend sounds pussy-whipped.
Kyknoord: The Russians are already exporting their women but only upper-class Indian men could afford them. The ones left in Russia might need to pay the Indians to service them.
Nursemyra: She was indeed classy, but it doesn't become a women in her 80s to say there are no real men around these days. That's just asking to be mocked.
Miss Naughty: I've heard it can lead to swelling, but not in a place that a woman might appreciate. Sterilised women might prefer a free vibrator.
Ulaca: Bogart in drag was much cuter than that.
Mr Boyo: Well I never, a cousin of Shimon Peres! I guess Bogart saved her from a life on the kibbutz. If only she'd been around to negotiate with King Abdullah instead of Golda Meir.
Beast: Bogart found it sexy when she was 20, but it doesn't age that well. You've got to work on your lovability as you progress through life.
Panu: Men fake orgasms by bellowing like a moose and squirting in some mayonnaise while the woman is distracted.
Upset Waitress: Having children is OK if you raise them in the jungle and feed them salad and insects. Your boyfriend sounds pussy-whipped.
Kyknoord: The Russians are already exporting their women but only upper-class Indian men could afford them. The ones left in Russia might need to pay the Indians to service them.
Nursemyra: She was indeed classy, but it doesn't become a women in her 80s to say there are no real men around these days. That's just asking to be mocked.
Heinz or Hellman's? (Mayonnaise) Strangely enough, the wife that Bogart divorced to marry Lauren Bacall was called Mayo Methot. Spooky, no? I'm reverting to salad cream after this.
I'm afraid thinking of Lauren Bacall would invariably lead me to conjure up images of her in To Have and Have Not and it would all be over. The tried and true way to alleviate such problems is to recite World Series Champions and other baseball trivia.
Cheers.
Cheers.
In a part of the countryside where there isn't a police post near enough to respond in time, in case some one called for help, or roads sufficiently motorable for a police party to make such an attempt or an adequate number of police men to effectively fight the menace of armed dacoits/robbers within their jurisdiction and, to top it all, where policemen are often corrupt and hand-in-glove with the criminals, the importance of having a fire-arm for personal security can not be underscored enough.
This is despite the fact that the possibility of such weapons being used to kill people when family feuds turn bloody is undeniable.
This is despite the fact that the possibility of such weapons being used to kill people when family feuds turn bloody is undeniable.
At first I thought this was a joke, but I read the article and I can now see the logic behind this, however worrying. If I lived in a very remote area with lots of bandits around, I'd want a gun, and I'm as gun shy as they come.
There is another fascinating aspect to this, though. Might this not breed out that aggressive behavior in men? A few centuries along, even if they father a good number of kids pre-snip, there are going to be fewer gun-happy types around, arent' there?
There is another fascinating aspect to this, though. Might this not breed out that aggressive behavior in men? A few centuries along, even if they father a good number of kids pre-snip, there are going to be fewer gun-happy types around, arent' there?
> He must have felt like a sprinter who repeatedly jumped the gun in a 100 metres event.
*Bursts out laughing* That's a really good metaphor for it (and I know the feeling; regarding jumping the gun at races, at least :-))
*Bursts out laughing* That's a really good metaphor for it (and I know the feeling; regarding jumping the gun at races, at least :-))
Personally that has never been a problem for me. Guru's have excellent
control over such things. Besides, sex is quite rare nowadays, has been
since I took up my Guru Lifestyle, that it seems to much of a treat to rush
through, or enjoy...
Reverse pyschology on sex would be a wonderful idea though, it's been
working on britians young people for years, hence our high rates of teenage
preganancies. And for that matter, my infant daughter...
control over such things. Besides, sex is quite rare nowadays, has been
since I took up my Guru Lifestyle, that it seems to much of a treat to rush
through, or enjoy...
Reverse pyschology on sex would be a wonderful idea though, it's been
working on britians young people for years, hence our high rates of teenage
preganancies. And for that matter, my infant daughter...
Lady Daphne: I was going to say 'salad cream' but wasn't sure about the taste.
Randall: Do you shout "slide!" then? I wonder if players feel horny after hitting a home run.
Sidhu: I knew there must be a good reason for giving them guns, but it seems a bit unfair to make them have a vasectomy to get one.
Mary: The problem is surely that the bandits will have all the children.
Eve: I hope your husband doesn't have that problem. If he does, you may need to learn a few tricks.
Freelance: I didn't think you'd be a sufferer. A guru can time his ejaculations to the second.
Randall: Do you shout "slide!" then? I wonder if players feel horny after hitting a home run.
Sidhu: I knew there must be a good reason for giving them guns, but it seems a bit unfair to make them have a vasectomy to get one.
Mary: The problem is surely that the bandits will have all the children.
Eve: I hope your husband doesn't have that problem. If he does, you may need to learn a few tricks.
Freelance: I didn't think you'd be a sufferer. A guru can time his ejaculations to the second.
Yours is an amazing blog.Will you exchange link with me.I have added ur link.Now plz u also add my link.
Site url-http://storiesoftruelove.blogspot.com/
Site name-Amazing love stories
Site url-http://storiesoftruelove.blogspot.com/
Site name-Amazing love stories
so what you're telling me is if continue to be unable to find someone who's willing to procreate with me here...i just need to fly to either india (where they'll do it with anyone because they can't seem to stop themselves) or russia (where there's a dearth of women up for it).
and i just took a vacation too. damn.
and i just took a vacation too. damn.
You know, Mr. Bananas, sir, if some of those vasectomied dudes have a temper and a hare-trigger finger, they may even reduce the population even more.
No wonder Lauren looks so sour. A bogey is one under par, isn't it? She looks like the kind of woman who expects a hole-in-one.
"Yet I don’t believe all this macho talk about the procedure improving a fellow’s sex drive."
on the contrary, knowing i couldn't get a chick pregnant would only increase it...
on the contrary, knowing i couldn't get a chick pregnant would only increase it...
Heheheh. Seriously, though, the problem with that would be more of the guy having low self-esteem because of it (in which case, the solution to the 'happy marriage' you've written about before *;-)* would be to convince him that he was doing it perfect, and that I preferred it the way he was doing it, and wouldn't have it any other way *grins*)
Anonymous: Well thank you, I shall link you in return.
Kara: If that doesn't work, we'll have to reconsider the idea of getting Harry Hutton to marry you. It's been in cold storage for the past year.
Saintly Nick: I think the idea is for them to shoot a few bandits. Let's hope their aim and and eyesight are good.
Sam: She expects it and hasn't been getting it, I dare say.
Kiki: Don't talk until you've tried it! It might feel very strange down there.
Ulaca: I think she's trying to match her hair colour. It doesn't flatter her.
Eve: Hehe! You'll be a very understanding wife, but I think a more hands-on approach is required for this particular problem. Check out the manuals.
Clea: You may have a long wait unless there's a very good prize.
Kara: If that doesn't work, we'll have to reconsider the idea of getting Harry Hutton to marry you. It's been in cold storage for the past year.
Saintly Nick: I think the idea is for them to shoot a few bandits. Let's hope their aim and and eyesight are good.
Sam: She expects it and hasn't been getting it, I dare say.
Kiki: Don't talk until you've tried it! It might feel very strange down there.
Ulaca: I think she's trying to match her hair colour. It doesn't flatter her.
Eve: Hehe! You'll be a very understanding wife, but I think a more hands-on approach is required for this particular problem. Check out the manuals.
Clea: You may have a long wait unless there's a very good prize.
I daresay that the secret police spontaneously joining in might improve statistics even further.
Ah, The Old 'Den Mother'.
She was quite something in her day.
Ah, The Old 'Den Mother'.
She was quite something in her day.
Heheh. I'm sure you're right, gorilla. Will keep a copy of the manuals in my link list, for easy reference if need ;-)
I have had a a vasectomy and no one gave me a gun afterwards did I get in the wrong queue? I did get a kind of ring thing to inflate and sit on...but I have lost it.
Topiary, for one, is glad to see any enticement offered for there to be fewer people brought onto this overburdened earth.
As for this 'jumping the gun' problem, Topiary knows nothing about it, being a very slow-growing shrub.
Moo!
As for this 'jumping the gun' problem, Topiary knows nothing about it, being a very slow-growing shrub.
Moo!
strangely enough what kiki ^^ says is true. My husband recently had a vasectomy and it has definately made the sex hotter/more animalistic etc - maybe because you don't have to mess around with condoms etc or worry about getting preggo.
Regarding what they could do to encourage women to get pregnant. I reckon we need to make pregnancy desirable and not something that mucks up your figure. There could be financial prizes for women who put on the most tonnage and look the most whalelike during pregnancy. They should be encouraged to wear their blubber with pride!
Regarding what they could do to encourage women to get pregnant. I reckon we need to make pregnancy desirable and not something that mucks up your figure. There could be financial prizes for women who put on the most tonnage and look the most whalelike during pregnancy. They should be encouraged to wear their blubber with pride!
You're right, the Russians have it all wrong. Sex should be made illicit in order to make it worth doing!
Although Im a little concerned at your suggestion that just because Svetlana is 49, she must look like the side of a house. Id like to think that human females can age a little more gracefully, especially as I have a birthday later this week.
As to Lauren, I still think she looks gorgeous... and that husky voice :)
Although Im a little concerned at your suggestion that just because Svetlana is 49, she must look like the side of a house. Id like to think that human females can age a little more gracefully, especially as I have a birthday later this week.
As to Lauren, I still think she looks gorgeous... and that husky voice :)
Mosha: Indeed. Never underrate the secret policeman's balls.
Globus: Because rehearsing sex is better than performing it?
Eve: Don't get married without it!
Mutley: I hope the swelling went down quickly. And I don't mean your dick.
Ms Cow: Try googling the phrase "Mother Superior jumped the gun".
Emma: I once linked a fetish site for men attracted to pregnant women. I suppose they want something solid to press their bellies against.
Mrs Cake: Well, they aren't into rigorous fitness and diet regimes in Mother Russia. People need to put on fat to survive the cold winters.
Globus: Because rehearsing sex is better than performing it?
Eve: Don't get married without it!
Mutley: I hope the swelling went down quickly. And I don't mean your dick.
Ms Cow: Try googling the phrase "Mother Superior jumped the gun".
Emma: I once linked a fetish site for men attracted to pregnant women. I suppose they want something solid to press their bellies against.
Mrs Cake: Well, they aren't into rigorous fitness and diet regimes in Mother Russia. People need to put on fat to survive the cold winters.
Women are in their prime at the age of 49! (Sounds like the first line of a poem). Milkmaid Svetlana Stroganov gets my vote. Some folks out there may even find Boris Spassky and Tigran Petrosian quite sexy - it's a funny old world, ya know.
If I had a day off for sex, I'd be off on my motorcycle.
Sex only takes half and hour, a road trip much longer.
Sex only takes half and hour, a road trip much longer.
I have a friend who assures me her husband's 'snip' has recharged their sex life like nothing before.
Is Ms Becall wearing a collar and lead?
x
Is Ms Becall wearing a collar and lead?
x
Believe me, Ms.Bacall is no big deal.
I've met her in London and also spoken with her.
She's highly insecure about her physical appearance and relies on her jewels a-plentiful to keep her looking beautiful.
I believe she's in her 80s now?
Enjoyed the post as always, GB.
I've met her in London and also spoken with her.
She's highly insecure about her physical appearance and relies on her jewels a-plentiful to keep her looking beautiful.
I believe she's in her 80s now?
Enjoyed the post as always, GB.
Kara: The sperm bank is open for business, Missy. I hear John Goodman's man-goo is available for a reasonable price.
Mosha: I think it was a line in a Jenna Jameson movie.
Gadjo: Perhaps Svetlana would keep you warm in the winter months. Being one of the great gentlemen of chess, I'm sure Boris Spassky would have appreciated her qualities too.
Kitty: Another one! Firing blanks must be more fun than it sounds.
Suzan: There's a lesson there for all of us.
Mosha: I think it was a line in a Jenna Jameson movie.
Gadjo: Perhaps Svetlana would keep you warm in the winter months. Being one of the great gentlemen of chess, I'm sure Boris Spassky would have appreciated her qualities too.
Kitty: Another one! Firing blanks must be more fun than it sounds.
Suzan: There's a lesson there for all of us.
I keep coming back to this hoping that I'll be inspired with something extremely witty and clever to say, but honestly, I am, to use one of the British terms I picked up on Eastenders, "gob-smacked".
Poor Lauren, I really fear she was three sheets to the wind at that last awards ceremony, so perhaps the half Bogeyman comment was true, after all.
Kat
Poor Lauren, I really fear she was three sheets to the wind at that last awards ceremony, so perhaps the half Bogeyman comment was true, after all.
Kat
Mr Shrivastav shrugged off the possibility of a flood of weapons in an area where it is not unknown for minor family feuds to grow into gunfights. “I have the power to cancel gun licences, also,” he noted.
Devious bastard. I like this man!
And I'm also delighted to hear men are boarding the fake-O bandwagon. I assume this only works with extremely short-sighted women. Or those distracted easily by shiny things (like Ms. Spears, I would have added, except that she has two traumatised brats to show for her time between the sheets).
Devious bastard. I like this man!
And I'm also delighted to hear men are boarding the fake-O bandwagon. I assume this only works with extremely short-sighted women. Or those distracted easily by shiny things (like Ms. Spears, I would have added, except that she has two traumatised brats to show for her time between the sheets).
Gosh I missed You, You Big Ape You.
But I am concerned about this.
I just came back from Vegas...and the saying goes "What Happens In Vegas, Stays In Vegas". Now if I got pregnant, well??? lolololool
oh gosh nevermind. rotfl
j/k ;)~
But I am concerned about this.
I just came back from Vegas...and the saying goes "What Happens In Vegas, Stays In Vegas". Now if I got pregnant, well??? lolololool
oh gosh nevermind. rotfl
j/k ;)~
I've sussed out the hair, GB. Every time she runs her hands through her locks, bits of cheap gilt rub off. This explains the streakiness and apparent randomness of the colouring.
I am sure premature ejaculation is a myth spread round by sour faced radical vegan femenists. Whatever happened to a bit of healthy competition.....first past the winning post and all that :-)
Poetikat: Being gob-smacked is no sin, Kat! I didn't mean to be unkind to Lauren. I wish her deep spiritual contentment.
Rimi: I heard that faking the male orgasm is easier than most conjuring tricks. Just make the audience see what they're expecting
Jahooni: Welcome back, Dollface, I missed you too. You sound as if you've been having fun.
Ulaca: You mean she's not a natural blonde? The silver-haired grandmother look would have suited her better.
Beast: I guess some men like to get drunk before the party starts.
Praveena: Hey Praveena! I'm glad to have amused you and thanks for dropping in.
Ultra: Lauren knows how to go for the balls alright.
Rimi: I heard that faking the male orgasm is easier than most conjuring tricks. Just make the audience see what they're expecting
Jahooni: Welcome back, Dollface, I missed you too. You sound as if you've been having fun.
Ulaca: You mean she's not a natural blonde? The silver-haired grandmother look would have suited her better.
Beast: I guess some men like to get drunk before the party starts.
Praveena: Hey Praveena! I'm glad to have amused you and thanks for dropping in.
Ultra: Lauren knows how to go for the balls alright.
I know this comment might raise a few eyebrows but i just don't get why increasing the population is such a big deal!
I know i know...it's part of evolution and all but do we really want to bring our children into this screwed-up world?!!!
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I know i know...it's part of evolution and all but do we really want to bring our children into this screwed-up world?!!!
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