Friday, March 21, 2008

The Easter Binny

Back in London for Easter, a guest of the noble Dr Whipsnade, whose munificence abounds with every passing year. To create a fitting ambience, the cook is preparing hot cross buns, Simnel cake and other seasonal treats. There will be no Easter eggs, however, out of respect for the doctor’s venerable ancestor who served the British Raj in Bengal. This emissary of the Crown was heinously tortured by local bandits, who thrust a hard-boiled egg, hot from the cooking pot, into his rectum. By such devoted abstinence, his suffering is remembered alongside that of the founder of the Christian faith.

As is customary, a stream of guests will visit the Whipsnade residence to pay their respects and sample the seasonal fare. To my surprise, the first to appear is Trevor Bumphries-Maddocks, the Welsh actor who took lodgings in the garden shed
last Christmas . This being his second visit, he is permitted to enter the kitchen for a slice of cake and a cup of hot chocolate. After joining him at the table, I hear that he has dispensed with the stage name ‘Trevor bin Laden’ on account of the unwelcome attention he was getting from overzealous security men, who on one occasion had ordered him to lift up his shirt in a crowded theatre foyer. He had also overheard his agent refer to him as ‘Binny’, which had wounded his feelings. I ask him about his current situation.

“As of now, I’m touring the home counties with an experimental theatre group,” he replies. “The whole enterprise is being funded by Vanessa Feltz, who is also a member of the cast.”

He looks at me expectantly, evidently hoping that I will be impressed by the name of the impresaria. Knowing the importance of self-esteem to an actor, I do not reveal that I’ve never heard of Vanessa Feltz. (I have since discovered that she’s a former TV chat-show host – a heavyweight of the genre by all accounts. I publish her photograph below for those unfamiliar with her appearance.)

“What splendid news!” I exclaim. “Your career will surely go from strength-to-strength as a co-star of the talented and beautiful Ms Feltz!”

“Well I wouldn’t quite go that far,” replies Trevor doubtfully. “She’s more of an avant-garde conceptual type than a stage idol. Our production has a ‘Harmony of Nature’ theme which I think you’d appreciate. Vanessa is the female lead.”

“Do you play peasants then?” I ask.

“No, we actually pretend to be animals. In one scene Vanessa is a queen bee who shares her royal jelly with the hive – I play the first drone. In another she’s a cow in a lush meadow who shares her milk with hungry foxes and badgers – I play the bull. You get the idea. The symbolism of the whole thing is quite powerful. That said, I don’t see it helping me to break into mainstream family viewing.”

“Best live in the present and enjoy what you’re doing,” I advise. “Who knows what the future will bring? Three months ago you were living in a tool shed. Now you’re in an artistically-acclaimed stage production, eating three meals a days and living in your own hotel room.”

“As a matter of fact, I don’t have my own room,” corrects Trevor sheepishly. “Vanessa and myself recently bunked up together. I suppose you might say we were something of an item.”

“You sly dog!” I gasp. “Now that’s what I call ‘method acting’! Don’t worry about ‘casting couch’ slurs. You’ve got to use all the tools at your disposal in show business. Marilyn Monroe did it and look what a superstar she became!”

“I’m not bothered about that,” says Trevor. “What worries me is that my off-stage performances are becoming more demanding than my on-stage ones. It’s a bit of a shock to the system having to puff away every night when you’ve only been getting it once a month at best. I don’t want to be taking Viagra at my age. It makes me wonder how you gorillas manage it with your harems.”

“Female gorillas have an oestrus cycle,” I explain. “When they’re not in season, it gives the male a chance to renew his zest for the hairy kerfuffle.”

“Well the only season she seems to have is permanently horny,” remarks Trevor wryly.

“I believe there are ways for a fellow to satisfy a woman without straining his manhood or draining his virile juices,” I suggest.

“I don’t think any amount of that sort of fiddling about would satisfy Vanessa,” responds Trevor glumly, shaking his head. “Her needs run deep, if you see what I mean.”

“In that case, you must show her the instruments!” I declare. “Order them from, lay them out on the bed and make the woman whinny like a mare!”

“That’s a very interesting idea,” muses Trevor. “A proposition of considerable labour-saving potential. But I dunno, Bananas, the last time I took your advice I ended up inside a pantomime horse’s arse!”

“What have you got to lose?” I ask. “If she doesn’t like the toys, they’ll probably ruin her appetite for it by any method of delivery. You win either way.”

Trevor nods thoughtfully and asks me to write down the web address on a piece of paper. As I hand him the chit, a horrible thought occurs to me. Ms Feltz is surely not the kind of woman who would attempt to use a sex device on a man, is she? Best keep quiet about that disturbing possibility. You can’t go through life planning for every worst-case scenario.

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An enjoyable read, gorilla..:- )
Human females go by the oestrus cycle, too, though, i'd think....;- )
Binny! Ha! You are a formidable crafter of prose, sir.
Great post, great blog. Enjoyed browsing your blog.
^.^ hehe
I see cybernooky stocks a nice line of chastity devices :-)
You never know, Trevor might enjoy it. especially if he's been inside a pantomime horse's arse!

PS Do you own shares in cybernooky? :P
I always thought 'the hairy kerfuffle' was a sex-act favoured by the homosexual community.

Now I know.
Would she boil them and use them fresh out of the cooking pot?
I'm making hot cross buns myself right now -- not enough eggs for coloring, and not enough lung power to get my two potential colorists out of bed either. But having read what happened to Dr Whipsnade's ancestor, I'm just as happy not handling boiling eggs for a bit.

Actually, I think Vanessa Feltz looks pretty good, if a trifle too made up. She has a lovely smile.
Eve: Thank you, my dear Eve. As you are a good girl, I hope that your oestrus cycle is a mild one.

Ari: Why thank you, ma'am, I am much flattered!

Liz: Thanks Liz, I enjoyed browsing your website too!

Nursemyra: Chastity? I'm not convinced that a woman who uses such devices is chaste in spirit.

Clea: I don't think he'd enjoy if it were his first time... but maybe he'd acquire a taste for it after repeated applications.

Lord Likely: Maybe what you heard was "Kerry Kerfuffle", who may well be homosexual.

Mr Guru: Let's hope no one puts such an idea into her head. You are right to point out that there is a fine line between an instrument of pleasure and an instrument of torture.

Mary: Happy Easter, Mary. Hopefully the hard-boiled-egg torture will be beyond the imagination of most people.
There are eggs you can buy in Hamburg and, er, Amsterdam, which are shoved up human orifices to much more pleasurable effect.
I was going to have a boiled egg for lunch. Perhaps not.
Binnie used to be my nick-name as a probationer, because I shared the same surname with a famous musical comedy actress de nos jours.
I hadn't realised Vanessa was out on the road - she really is a journalist.
Ooh and I was going to say what odd looking balloons.
i'm troubled by this tale. what kind of young actor doesn't know about sex toys? what in the world would make him so sheltered? on second thought...what kind of sexually insatiable middle aged woman doesn't already introduce toys to the repertoire? i can't condone this kind of ignorance. it's dangerous.

i do like easter eggs,though. i like to put them in caves from friday to sunday and then attach them to balloons and watch them rise up to the sky. and then wait til they drop and go to hunt for them. just like jesus.
Cow now feels very uncomfortable, both with the concept of hard-cooked eggs and with Vanessa Feltz.

Cow doesn't know which is worse, the dyed-blonde locks or the too-ample cleavage showing through far to small black draperies.

Mr Bananas - I do hope you have taken one of your hairy harem with you to keep your hairless nether regions warm back there in the land of Blighty, or you too may be searching that catalogue for toys to heat yourself up with that foul weather you seem to be having over there. :-)
I think Vanessa's looking well, if a bit shiny. Not many people can get away with being that big and still being pretty.

We are ringing the changes this year with an egg-flinging contest on Sunday. We will paint the eggs later today and then lob them into a child-sized basket ball net on Sunday. Basket-egg I think we are more than compelled to call it.

Winner gets an obscene amount of chocolate.

Loser gets an obscene amount of chocolate.

Because there are no losers on Cadbury Day.
Lady Daphne: Well I never, trust the Germans! I imagine that laying an egg might be quite a sensual experience

Pi: I didn't mean to spoil your lunch. Hard-boiled eggs are quite innocuous after they've been cooled and peeled.

Kara: Well sex toys are not the first things humans think about in a new relationship. I just helped him with a bit of lateral thinking. I can see you've been deeply influenced by the gospel of St John.

Ms Cow: She's actually a brilliant woman who has no association with hard-boiled eggs, as far I know.

Mzungu Chick: That part of my body is quite cosy enough, Ms Chick. I'll think of your bottom when my hands feel slappy.

Sam: I wish you well, Sam. Teaching children to be good losers is far from easy.
great post! btw happy easter *bock bock*
Dearie me.

Cow assumed that Ms. Felz was a figment of the fevered imagination of a Gorilla who spent too much time with those catalogues.

Instead Cow finds that she obtained an honors degree and may, in fact, be real.

Next Cow will research this "boiled egg" chimera, also unheard of in the Land of Topiary.

Surely there are ways of using a sex device on a man, which is neither unpleasant or unwelcome? A bit of invention is not beyond the artistic and imaginative types who take part in onstage shenanigans.

Right, I'm off for a good look round that cybernooky place now - thanks for the linky. ;-) x
I must say that my idea of sexual innovation is to do it with my left hand rather than my right. Low tech but rather effective I find, and of course cheap as chips.
I'm trying to ward off a vision of Vanessa wearing a strap-on!
Daisy: Thank you ma'am and a Happy Easter to you!

Ms Cow: Did you think I was making everything up? No ape could have such a kinky mind.

Kitty: I suppose it depends on the shape of the device, but I'd advise you to proceed with caution.

Pugh: I suppose the simplest methods often work best.

Mr Ingsoc: I understand that you're responding to a comment on another blog and I accept you feel strongly that you've been wronged. However, your statement doesn't belong here, so I'm going to delete it after a day or so. People who are interested can go to your blog.

Joanne: You'll need more than a crucifix to ward off that one! But she'd be better than a lot of men, you have to admit.
Oh my, drama in the comments. Must be the full moon, lots of feelings out there to be stepped on.

This post reminded me of the scene in Weeds where Andy thinks he's finally going to bed the Israeli and she pulls out a massive black dildo and he says, "You want me to wear that?" and she says, "No, I'm going to." (Well, ok, they were funnier.)
Trevor ought to apply to the Arts Council of Wales for funding, given his obvious Cambricity.

He might want to bear in mind that our healthcare is still free as well once a sated Vanessa unties him in a few weeks' time.
Gorillas have harems?!
Again, Mr. Bananas, your literary skills amaze me. By the way, you’re not an aficionado of Victorian literature are you?
Hey, we've got the same anonymous troll!!

I really think you should be working on getting published, mate.
Joanne Casey said...

I'm trying to ward off a vision of Vanessa wearing a strap-on!


Thanks, now I'm trying to :(
p.s. -- thanks, Mr. Gorilla Bannanas, for the Google Reader suggestion; working beautifully :)
Letty, I'm sorry for inflicting you with that vision! Hehe.
Ms Dgny: I would guess it's the compulsory military service that gives Israeli women their confidence in the bedroom.

Mr Boyo: I can't see how a man who's been molested by a women could even show his face in Wales, what with the male voice singing tradition and general machismo. Don't all the Welsh metrosexuals live in London?

Miss Naughty: Indeed they do Miss. You should consider having your own harem!

Saintly Nick: Thank you kindly, Sir! I did read a little Dickens in my circus days.

Miss Smack: Thanks for the encouragement, Miss Smack. I already have a book, so I'm working on getting a few people to read it.

Letty: I find that image strangely compelling.

Joanne: Do you realise that the sexy pose you make in your profile picture is perfect for a strap-on wearer?
haha, no problem, Joanne; I'll consider it a unique Easter Sunday present ;D

And Mr. Bananas, you read my mind; that image is most compelling! <3
Joanne: Do you realise that the sexy pose you make in your profile picture is perfect for a strap-on wearer?

AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAA!!! the things I miss NOT drinking coffee before I read DAMN :D

yep, I'd have to agree with you on that!
You scamps! ;-)
hehe ;)~

& now I bid you adios, as my stressed-out sister is calling for the 4th time this morn regarding the Easter calamity she and her partner are planning for dinner...pray for me, good madam :(
I suppose Binny could always keep warm by snuggling between the Feltzes gigantic fun bags ... as she manipulated her no doubt swollen clitoris with the many magnificent whirring devices culled from internet sources.. well its one way out of a bad situation. Or he could fake a nervous break down - how does that sound??
Is Vanessa Feltz your inexplicable crush confession, Mr Bananas? I have to admit to being astonished that no one else mentioned her.
Hmm shoving a hot boiled egg up someones ass pipe is by far the most creative way to punish someone. Clever too.
lovely post Gorilla. I once met Vanessa Feltz. I walked past her at a party, looked her up and down and said, hey, lookin' good, Ness.

She said: "Thanks!" and beamed with pride, before realising a few minutes later that actually she had no damn idea who I was and that indeed, she'd never met me before in her life.

It made my night anyway.
BTW: Daphne is in London. Look out for her:)

Looking good for what?
Ha-Ha GB!
I'll be a regular visitor once more.
Your vocabulary is comic, rich & fitting and I adore the names you give to your characters.
But why pick on Ms. Feltz. I think she's very much on her own woman. She's just fab! :-)
She should be careful of an electric shock. She looks a little like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Letty: You are in my prayers too, Miss Cruz.

Joanne: Meant as a compliment, I promise!

Mutley: It sounds as if you have formed a low opinion of Trevor. Being Welsh, he is surely man enough to operate the devices himself.

Mrs Cake: And I'm amazed you have nothing to say about using sex toys on sexually voracious women!

Upset Waitress: Not one that I've ever tried. There may be a knack to it.

Mermaid: That was a lovely compliment. I bet she wishes you'd chatted with her more.

Suzan: Thanks Suzy. I didn't mean to be nasty to Vanessa, she's a remarkable woman.

Tarf: Where would the electrodes go?
Hon, I have absolutely no beef with the use of sex toys on sexually voracious women. I thought they were the order of the day for exhausted human males in times of refraction. But maybe male gorillas dont need time to refract....?
AAAAARRRRGGG!! Thanks for letting me know about me not being Google Reader-able! I'm going to go now and figure out how to be readable -- sigh, another challenge for this techtard :(
WAAAAAAHOOOOO!!!! Finally managed to activate read-feed :D !!!! After an hour or more of tearing my hair out and cursing my California upbringing! MUAHMUAHMUAH, love you, Mr. Bananas <3
You really enjoyed egging him on, didn't you?
'Hairy Kefuffle'

Heh heh!

Those labels tell a story all of their own.
My My ....Miss Feltz is looking very.....erm ....'healthy'.It must be like being assaulted by an over amorous weather balloon.
Screamer or squeler do you think Mr B ???
Gives me something to ponder while I am stuffing the luncheon turkey
I for one have a large thing stuck in my bottom - does anyone else?
GB, the Arts Council types are always looking for marginalised groups to patronise. In Wales, men who give women pleasure, even accidentally, fall firmly into that category.
I have to admit having a boiling hot egg shoved up ones rectum is well. Awfull. To think that the human mind can devise such a thing beggers belief.
But then again, the same human mind can put it itself to the pursuit of pleasure with equal zeal.
Things balance themselves out in the end I guess unless of course it is you who has a date with the hot egg.
Mrs Cake: We gorillas refract for months on end, Mrs Cake. It gives us a chance for monastic contemplation.

Letty: I still couldn't read you, Letty. I'll try again.

Kyknoord: Good one! Although my egging was well-intentioned.

Mosha: I'd quite like to see Vanessa lay an Easter Egg. Or maybe just hear about it.

Beast: Heavy low breathing interspersed with snappy commands would be her style, I think.

Mutley: Not me. Depending on the nature of the thing, you may need a surgeon.

Mr Boyo: This Welsh Arts Council sounds very progressive. I've half a mind to apply for a grant myself.

Charlie: It's an abomination alright, but he got off lightly because his family paid the ransom.
Permanently horny season? Story of my life!
I think Sabrina and I need to have some kind of in depth, egg-based discussion.
This just popped into my head for some reason:
"Little boy, blue, come blow your horn,
The sheep's in the meadow, the cow's in the porn, um, corn." Yes. Corn.

Surely this is a libelous use of the name of the alleged, sex-crazed Ms. Feltz. No?

Hello Kat! I'm hopeful of getting any libel claim laughed out of court, possibly by scratching my armpits.
Ah yes. I had forgotten about that ace up your sleeve.
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