Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Huge Grant must get his act together
I’ve been looking over the report card of Mr Huge Grant. It was far from impressive, and I found myself clicking my tongue in disapproval. It’s high time that this impudent scallywag pulled up his socks and started to behave like a man of substance. Being the biggest film star in England doesn’t give him the right to arse about in Chelsea, laughing at the latest fashions and pulling girls’ hair.
The problem with Huge is that he’s been spoiled rotten. His early success meant that he could do no wrong in the eyes of the British public, who even looked the other way when he began that incestuous affair with Elizabeth Hurley. Any fool could have seen they were siblings, but the authorities didn’t dare intervene for fear of inciting the mob. We can only be thankful that they parted company before the dissolute young hound impregnated his own sister.
I’d ask Dr Whipsnade to invite him to the Congo if I thought it would do any good, but frankly I think he’s too far gone for the rigours of jungle life. All those decadent years spent in salons and boudoirs, cheeking his betters and showing off for the cameras, have surely taken their toll. A spell in the African wilderness would probably cause the blighter to wilt like a daisy. Nothing short of a complete career change will suffice for Mr Grant.
By “career change” I don’t mean that he should stop being an actor. He’s clearly not fit for anything else. What’s got to change is the roles he plays. To date, he’s alternated between the love-struck imbecile and the skirt-chasing dandy. Those aren’t the kind of parts that build character in a man. You never saw Richard Burton or Lord Olivier wasting their talent on such silly nonsense. They played the great men of history – Roman generals, English kings and the like. The only man of stature that Huge ever played was a bleeding-heart British Prime Minister who fell in love with his tea lady! The pages of history are not written with sentimental drivel like that, Mr Grant!
Perhaps he’d win better parts if he sorted out his extracurricular activities. Movie stars get a lot of time off and some of them devote it to worthwhile causes. Paul Newman got into the salad-dressing business, which is an honest trade, and Tony Hopkins runs a home for Valium-eating housewives. We circus performers will forever cherish the memory of Jasper Magwitch, the legendary sword-swallower, who cajoled a dozen fallen women from the streets shortly before the Ripper struck. Huge couldn’t be trusted with a job like that, of course, but he might at least show an interest in serving the wider community. Prancing down the King’s Road with Mrs Jemima Khan on his arm is not the way to do it.
My hope is that Huge will be called up for service in the Royal Navy when he’s not pulling faces in front of a camera. An obvious landlubber like Grant could never be taken on a voyage, but there’s clearly a shortage of staff capable of entertaining the tourists at Portsmouth. Huge would be just the man to put on old uniforms and impersonate heroes from Britain’s naval past – men like Lieutenant Joseph Shoebuckle, who starched Drake’s britches on the Golden Hind; Midshipman Cornelius Wagstaff, who polished Bligh’s sextant on the Bounty; Able Seaman Noah Dogsworth, who emptied Nelson’s slop bucket on the Victory. After enthralling family audiences with cameos like that, Huge would surely be offered a starring role with gravitas, leading first to an Oscar and then to a knighthood. It might also make him a hit with the babes.
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Jasper Magwitch? Wasn't he a character in a Dickens novel? Sometimes I think you make all this stuff up, GB.
GB YOU THIEF! Calling him "Huge" was MY IDEA!! You better give me credit for that when you're famous.
# posted by 
: Wednesday, October 25, 2006
: Wednesday, October 25, 2006
I doubt Huge is up to starching Drake’s britches on his Golden Behind - or at least not to the high standards expected of Elizabethan semen (stet). The spirit may be willing, but in his case I fear that the flesh would prove weak...
We Welsh are very proud that Mr Grant is a Hinglish that visited Wales in a film, went up a hill and came down a mountain. Most Hinglish go up our mountains and get stuck there, then complain when Mountain Rescue take turns with them in the hecilopter on the way back to Llanfihangel-y-Gotsen or wherever.
Mr Boyo, if he'd stayed longer in Wales you might have made a man of him. More likely, considering his pretty boy looks, you'd have made a woman of him,
Beth, honey, I admit it. When I'm famous I'll tell the press:
I did it all
Coz I'm stone in love with you-oo, oo-oo, oo-oo
Tarzan, that was Abel Magwitch, Jasper's uncle.
Beth, honey, I admit it. When I'm famous I'll tell the press:
I did it all
Coz I'm stone in love with you-oo, oo-oo, oo-oo
Tarzan, that was Abel Magwitch, Jasper's uncle.
The worst kind of floppy man-doll. Worse because he thinks he is adorable. Gormless. Could never bea a hit with any babes who are worth their salt. sea-salt.
I don't know if anyone ever noticed this, but Elizabeth Hurley has enormous breasts. I think he may have been psychologically scarred by them, hence the stutter, ticks and nervousness distraction. I prefer him to Colin Firth. What they both need is to be put to work on a farm. Women's hands.
I noticed them. They were the things came between Liz and Huge in the end. We have much to thank them for.
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