Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Satan awaits them
It’s not often that anyone comes up with an idea that is brilliant, simple and obviously true. So when Charles Darwin proposed his theory of evolution, it ought to have been greeted by awed gasps of wonder, followed by the sound of learned men slapping their foreheads in frustration that they had not thought of it first. Instead, there was a lot of ignorant carping from people determined to discredit the theory at all cost, which has continued to the present day from worm-tongued ape-men who profess to believe in something called “intelligent design”.
Who are they trying to fool? Everyone knows that people who dislike Darwin’s theory do so because they believe that humans have a special place in the scheme of things. They can’t stand the idea that all life evolved from the same source because of their conviction that man was “created in God’s image”. The other creatures, of course, must content themselves with having been created in the image of God’s body parasites or private parts. We hairy apes, perhaps, were based on what God looks like on a bad hair day after a night of heavy boozing.
In any case, the concept of man being created in God’s image is inherently flawed because humans themselves look quite different from one another. It begs the question: which human does God most closely resemble? The creationists doubtless assume that He is the spitting image of Charlton Heston or Bing Crosby, but who is to say that God is even male? Wouldn’t it be fun if God actually looked like a female porn star? Can you imagine how crestfallen the creationists would be on Judgement Day if they found themselves kneeling not before Chuck Heston in a long robe, but La Cicciolina in black, vinyl hot-pants, with her bare breasts glistening in the white light of heaven? She would surely eye them with cold, contemptuous fury before declaiming thus:
Accursed hypocrites! Thinkest that ye shall be received unto My Kingdom in open arms when ye have spoken against my sisters for no better reason than they bared their titties to make an honest living? Woe to ye and begone to the hot place where the cloven-hoofed beast shall bathe ye in the Jacuzzi of bubbling lead and service ye with the dildo of red hot iron.
I bet these creationists have no idea that their perverse views on the origin of species pose such a terrible danger to their immortal souls. Someone really ought to warn them. Don’t look at me – I live in the African jungle!
Who are they trying to fool? Everyone knows that people who dislike Darwin’s theory do so because they believe that humans have a special place in the scheme of things. They can’t stand the idea that all life evolved from the same source because of their conviction that man was “created in God’s image”. The other creatures, of course, must content themselves with having been created in the image of God’s body parasites or private parts. We hairy apes, perhaps, were based on what God looks like on a bad hair day after a night of heavy boozing.
In any case, the concept of man being created in God’s image is inherently flawed because humans themselves look quite different from one another. It begs the question: which human does God most closely resemble? The creationists doubtless assume that He is the spitting image of Charlton Heston or Bing Crosby, but who is to say that God is even male? Wouldn’t it be fun if God actually looked like a female porn star? Can you imagine how crestfallen the creationists would be on Judgement Day if they found themselves kneeling not before Chuck Heston in a long robe, but La Cicciolina in black, vinyl hot-pants, with her bare breasts glistening in the white light of heaven? She would surely eye them with cold, contemptuous fury before declaiming thus:
Accursed hypocrites! Thinkest that ye shall be received unto My Kingdom in open arms when ye have spoken against my sisters for no better reason than they bared their titties to make an honest living? Woe to ye and begone to the hot place where the cloven-hoofed beast shall bathe ye in the Jacuzzi of bubbling lead and service ye with the dildo of red hot iron.
I bet these creationists have no idea that their perverse views on the origin of species pose such a terrible danger to their immortal souls. Someone really ought to warn them. Don’t look at me – I live in the African jungle!
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"Breasts - the reason you know God is male" (seen recently on a coffee mug in a supermarket).
"God must be a woman - if He was a man He'd never have put balls on the outside" (Japser Carrot)
"God must be a woman - if He was a man He'd never have put balls on the outside" (Japser Carrot)
We humans have a fable regarding God's final gift to Adam and Eve. It seems that after He/She/It had created Woman and Man, God gathered them both in one place and told them that he had two things left to give to them, one for either of them, and that he would let them choose for themselves which ones they would take.
"My first gift," said God, "Is a penis."
At this, the Mans eyes lit up, and he began to jump up and down. "Oh, me! Please God, give the penis to me! I want it! Me! Me!"
And so God bequeathed the penis to the man.
"And my next gift," continued God, "which goes unto the woman, is this:
MULTIPLE ORGASMS."
And the Woman smiled quietly to herself.
"My first gift," said God, "Is a penis."
At this, the Mans eyes lit up, and he began to jump up and down. "Oh, me! Please God, give the penis to me! I want it! Me! Me!"
And so God bequeathed the penis to the man.
"And my next gift," continued God, "which goes unto the woman, is this:
MULTIPLE ORGASMS."
And the Woman smiled quietly to herself.
You forgot to mention who the devil is like, GB. I suggest someone like Harry Starks, the gay East End gangster. He might say to those Creationists:
"A little birdie told me that you blokes were doin' a bit a queer bashing on earth. But over here, you don't judge nuffin' 'til you've tried it... Butch Charlie! Fetch that dildo!"
"A little birdie told me that you blokes were doin' a bit a queer bashing on earth. But over here, you don't judge nuffin' 'til you've tried it... Butch Charlie! Fetch that dildo!"
A bore writes:
Why would an ape capitalise the "g" in god?
Intelligent Design, because science is hard!
Why would an ape capitalise the "g" in god?
Intelligent Design, because science is hard!
# posted by 
: Wednesday, October 05, 2005
: Wednesday, October 05, 2005
That's the third photograph of your favourite porn actress you've published within a week. Even allowing for your wish to pay her homage, Mr Bananas, don't you think that might be overdoing it?
No I don't, Mr Mynah Bird. I could publish her picture every day and it would still be less than this remarkable woman deserves.
I've approached the creation story scientifically in the past, mainly in an attempt to uncover the origin of the modern male human "Adam's" apple.
None of these so-called "thoeries" actually approach the intended material appropriately. It is clear from experiments I've conducted that the universe as we know it is just a dream that "I" am having. Since my name and physical identity is part and parcel of the dream, I'm now trying to determine how to define "I" meaningfully.
More on that some other day, I suppose...
None of these so-called "thoeries" actually approach the intended material appropriately. It is clear from experiments I've conducted that the universe as we know it is just a dream that "I" am having. Since my name and physical identity is part and parcel of the dream, I'm now trying to determine how to define "I" meaningfully.
More on that some other day, I suppose...
I suppose I run a risk being one of the few "real" people in the blog world. Perhaps it's time to assume a pen name.
How does "El Hombre Barbudo de Escocia" sound?
Actually I guess that would be asking for trouble...
How does "El Hombre Barbudo de Escocia" sound?
Actually I guess that would be asking for trouble...
Ha! From one bearded one to another, I thank you for your encouragement, but blogging for me is about being true to myself.
Having said that I love entering this world of Evil Scientists, Educated Apes, Talking Birds, Joke Meisters, Maroon Doctors and Bile Merchants (and much, much more). It certainly makes the world a lot more colourful, and beats the crap out of daytime television.
Having said that I love entering this world of Evil Scientists, Educated Apes, Talking Birds, Joke Meisters, Maroon Doctors and Bile Merchants (and much, much more). It certainly makes the world a lot more colourful, and beats the crap out of daytime television.
Gorilla, On the appearance of God:
A meaningless question! Simply because "appearance," "color," "flavor," and "hip-hop" are all facets of the dream, it doesn't mean that they are attributes of the dreamer.
A meaningless question! Simply because "appearance," "color," "flavor," and "hip-hop" are all facets of the dream, it doesn't mean that they are attributes of the dreamer.
Kim:I tried beating the crap out of day-time television, and what I ended up with was a broken night-time television as well.
God is an invention of man. He was invented to scare off the bogeyman, to insure that there were no crop failures, to prevent natural disasters that related to man's wellbeing, and to account for the unknown.
Religion was invented because 'government' was already taken.
It was just another a way for select individuals to control the masses.
The 'Church' was also the only source for all of man's knowledge. The monks were one of the few peoples that could read and write and because they lived off the sweat of others, they had the time to preserve that knowledge in writing. This written knowledge was not made public thus holding back man's advance for a millennium. Had it been available to all, we would already be exploring the stars.
More people have been killed 'In The Name Of God' than are now alive.
The Holy Crusades alone killed more people than all the of the world's dictators combined.
Religion was invented because 'government' was already taken.
It was just another a way for select individuals to control the masses.
The 'Church' was also the only source for all of man's knowledge. The monks were one of the few peoples that could read and write and because they lived off the sweat of others, they had the time to preserve that knowledge in writing. This written knowledge was not made public thus holding back man's advance for a millennium. Had it been available to all, we would already be exploring the stars.
More people have been killed 'In The Name Of God' than are now alive.
The Holy Crusades alone killed more people than all the of the world's dictators combined.
# posted by : Sunday, October 09, 2005
: Sunday, October 09, 2005
Hey, anonymous, you've hit upon the ideal method for disseminating your opinion regarding religion: Post said opinion as a comment in a blog hosted by a hyper-intelligent gorilla and primarily intended to be funny.
How can you fail to get your point across to the masses with such a fool-proof strategy?
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How can you fail to get your point across to the masses with such a fool-proof strategy?
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